The Cosmic Drama Ever Unfolding

I haven't posted an update in almost 4 years! It is unfathomable to me that so much time has passed in this journey of healing.... and this small 5 year cycle of healing is only a microcosm of the healing my soul has undergone in its journey through time and space for the millions of incarnations it has taken to get into this current body and this current state of evolution.

There is way too much that has happened over the last 4 years to try to sum up in a meager post. But perhaps, I can shed a little light on where I am now in this process. When I set out to write this blog 5 years ago, it was because I wanted to share a success story on this topic of dermatillomania, excoriated acne, and self-mutilation. What sort of amazes me looking back now is that I believed I was going to have a success story even when nothing seemed to say that that was even possible at the time. But as time has passed and the story has unfolded, something came out of this trip into the darkness that I could never have imagined. To be where I am now, to feel as I do, to have the life I have now, to be with the people I am with, to have the privilege to walk on this sacred spiritual path that I am on, to have a Guru and a sacred line of Gurus and to serve in the capacities in which I have been called to serve, the magnitude and grace of it brings me constantly to my knees in humblest prayer, tears streaming down my face at the unconditional love and mercy of God. I started this journey on my knees in desperation. I now find myself on my knees in devotion.

Perhaps I could end this post there. But I think maybe the value of this blog has been the sheer unadulterated truth, the unveiling, the uncensored sharing of the deepest and the darkest as well as the hope-filled and at times just plain silly underpinnings of my life. I read posts from my early days and I cringe sometimes at where I was, but I refuse to edit or delete those posts in any way. I need to honor where I've been, even though at times those places were not pleasant and were not perfect and were maybe even a little ugly and offensive.

I don't know if anyone is even reading this anymore... the blog counter says that about 450 people have at some point stumbled on this blog and read something. I hope that those who have read anything they have found have been inspired on some level to follow their own journeys and to discover the freedom and joy that is waiting for them on the other side. That's my hope anyway. I only ever started writing this to share a personal story and to hopefully be able to offer comfort to anyone else out there who was also suffering.

One of the things I thought I could share, because it has been a rare experience and one that I think may be of value for others to read about. Way back when I started this blog, I mentioned that I had a "friend" who helped to set me on the path to self-destruction. I mentioned that she was competitive and that we were both actresses, etc... Well, the fascinating turn of events over the last few years is that while I was going through this huge personal journey within myself and behind walls secreted away from the public eye, she rose to super stardom and world recognition and fame and celebrity. I don't want to say too much because of the role she now plays in such a public arena it would be easy to piece together who she is, but I can only sum it up by saying that in the last 5 years, she has risen to the very top of the acting world. If you can imagine the top rung of that worldly success ladder, she has reached it.  I have undergone such a vast array of emotion on the subject.... I loved her while we were friends and wished for her success, but I was haunted by the damage she had done to me. I followed her career closely for years, reading every article, every post, every update, until finally she climbed all the way to the top. And I watched her at the very top.... the very, very tippiest tippy top, and.... then.... I realized.... it was all..... a JOKE, a sham, a false dream, a HOAX!!! A big COSMIC joke! I don't think I can ever fully express what I mean by this, and I know that most people can never actually fully comprehend what I am saying. But I'll try to put some of it into words.

All my life I have been chasing some idealized version of a life that I am supposed to have. I am supposed to be successful. I am supposed to be rich. I am supposed to be famous. I am supposed to have a beautiful house and wear gorgeous clothing and be the vision of men's fantasies and the envy and inspiration for women around the world. I am supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be charming and funny and delightful. And if I am all of these things, then I will be happy. Then I won't be lonely. Then I will have peace.

So I set out to the land of dreams, Hollywood, to find my star and to achieve these goals and to finally fill that emptiness inside of myself and to be happy. But it turns out that all of that seeking outside of myself, just made me unhappy... in fact so unhappy that I ended up causing myself great harm, great destruction, grave depression, serious illness and overall misery. But I was fortunate, because somehow the little voice inside of me that is my soul started calling to me, "I am here. I am within you. I have everything you could ever hope to find. I am very quiet. I am very small. I live in a place of peace and stillness. You must come to where I am. I can not be found where you are now. You must get small yourself. You must get quiet. You must be still. You will find me, and in me, you will find everything you have ever sought." And so began the journey of healing, true healing, the healing of the soul reuniting with Spirit. The rediscovering of that which has always been within.

And God, who is the best story teller there is, has been telling one doozy of a tale through my life. Over the last 5 years, layer by layer, veil by veil, He has been pulling back the curtain of delusion that shrouds this creation, so that I may see it for its beautiful unreality. See it for the staged drama that it is. This latest reveal has freed me from perhaps incarnations of what I like to call the "fame complex". The idea that if we are famous, we have everything and we are happy... and most importantly we are happier than others! One of the things I have come to realize about this "friend" is that there could never be anyone in her life who was an equal. She would work steadily to surround herself with people who she could feel superior to and if she didn't feel entirely superior she would work to find the weak link in that person that would make them smaller and more fragile than her. Essentially she would make herself taller by chopping off the heads of others. A huge gift I have been given over the last few years is to watch that happening on an even grander scale now that she is surrounded by people who have achieved fame and worldly success. To see that even though she is there with them and has done what they have done, it still isn't enough. She is still not famous enough. She wants to be more famous than the most famous. And in watching it, I can see what a sickness it is. How it is an addiction like any other addiction. And it all stems from the same root cause. The farther we are from our true identity as individual sparks of the same one Infinite and Eternal flame of God, the more unhappy, ill, and alone we are, even when we are surrounded by admirers and flatterers and fans.

So how do we reclaim that forgotten image of God within us? Well, I'm on that journey now, and though I may be on it for many more lifetimes, I have at least discovered the path that leads to that end goal. The goal that the soul has been seeking since its very first expulsion from Spirit into the realm of creation. The supreme goal. The purpose of our existence.

When I first came to the realization that the dream I had been chasing for 13 years was a complete hoax, it really shook me to my core. I was left with this unimaginable emptiness and grief and sadness. I was left with the questions, "What do I do now? What on earth do I do with my life now? What job do I do? What role do I play?" I knew that I wanted to devote my life to God, but I had no idea how to do that. Do I remain in the world? Do I join the ashram and renounce all worldly pursuits? Do I marry? Do I remain alone, but in the world? A ton of questions came up for me. And with them a ton of uncertainty. But over time I am finding my way. I've allowed room for all explorations. Slowly I am finding my answers and in time, more shall be revealed. I have come to an understanding that the goal of life is to find God and that we can only do that by living the life that He has given us while asking Him constantly to be a part of each moment. And that before the busyness of the world calls us in the mornings and when our worldly duties are done in the evening, we must retire to a quiet place to seek Him out in the silence of deep meditation. We can be in the world, but not of the world.

There are a series of practices that help us to this end.

A huge thing that has changed my life is the idea of service. Selfless service. Finding a way each day to help someone in some way. Not in an overly eager or compulsive manner. But in a way where I understand that helping someone is actually helping God in that person. Helping someone who is in fact my very equal, my nearest and dearest, in fact my own self in the body of that other being. So my life now is dedicated the concept of selfless service. It is a daily practice, a moment by moment practice. And the more one does it, the easier and more natural it becomes. I find now that I am effortlessly drawn to the helpful action in each moment. And in each act of selfless help to another, I find more and more of my own joy and happiness.

An example of how this practice has affected my life is that this week I had a voice-over audition for a commercial. I finished recording my audition and my mind began to charge forward to booking the job and how I deserved it and how hard my struggle as an actor has been, etc... When all of the sudden, this prayer washed over me. Not for myself. But for all of the other actors who were also auditioning for this commercial. For all of the actors who don't have the opportunity to audition for this role. For all the people who wished they had become actors who decided instead to have a life of safety and security. For all of the agents who wished their clients would book so they can feed their families. For the casting director who has to listen to the 1,500 auditions and narrow it down to 3. For the client who wishes for the best voice to represent their product. For the people who would hear the commercial and benefit from the product that was being sold. The list goes on... And in that prayer, I find my freedom... from the little self and its desires and demands and expectations.

Another example is that one night I was driving to a workshop with a casting director for animation. I was feeling so hopeless. After 15 years in this town and all of the ups and downs I have endured, I just sometimes can't see how this will ever come to pass. How I will ever get to do what I love in some way that benefits others and allows me to support myself financially doing what I've trained and worked so hard to do. So sitting there at a traffic light in my little moment of self-pity, I happen to look to my right and see a Latina woman in her mid-50s sprinting full force and waving frantically for the bus to stop so that she can get onboard. In that moment, I am instantly shaken awake from my little self, my little world, my little self-pity. The thought hits me that I have had the privilege to chase my little dream, while other people don't have such a privilege. That while I am moping in my car about driving to a casting director workshop with a huge animation industry expert, this woman is sprinting to catch a bus to her second job or to get home to her family who she has had to leave to care for another's family all day. That while I'm crying over my little struggle, there is a much bigger struggle outside of myself. I find that I've moved from self-pity to compassion, and in that I am free.

So how do I serve? First, I volunteer regularly at my temple. I remember 4 years ago when I signed up to be on my first committee, I was asked by the organizer if I could do a 2 hour shift 2 Fridays a month. That felt so overwhelming to commit to, but I just went with it and said, "Sure. If I need to scale it back, I will." Then, funny enough, the next week I was called, "We are actually having trouble filling all of the Friday slots. Can you for the time being do 2 hours every Friday?" Whew, panic set in! Every Friday? There's no way I can possibly commit to every Friday! Well guess what. Here I am 4 1/2 years later, and I have missed only a handful of my Friday shifts. And Fridays are actually my favorite days of the week now. I not only serve on the original committee, but I also stay after my first shift to serve on a second committee, and it has extended beyond Fridays. And through this service, I have met so many wonderful people. I have a whole new circle of special, spiritual, striving, seeking friends who are trying to improve themselves and as a result affecting the world around themselves.

I also volunteer reading to kids in low income schools. It started again with 1 hour once a week. And before long I was asked by another teacher and now I read to 3 classes, 1 1/2 hours once a week. I have done this now for 3 years and it brings me more joy and happiness than I ever could have imagined. I also have a 5th grade pencilpal every year with whom I exchange letters and then meet after the year is up. Again, it fills me with such joy and love! It is beyond words.

I have an 83 year old friend who has been on this spiritual path now for 45 years and has demonstrated the powers of faith, loyalty and steadfast determination. He lost his eyesight a few years ago, so now after I read to my kids in the morning, I go to his house and read to him. It might seem like I'm the one doing the favor, but to be in his presence and to have the blessing of his example before me each week, he is the one giving me the true gift.

My neighbors downstairs from me have a lovely brood of children. One girl age 6 and twin boys age 3 1/2. When the mother needs to drive the girl to school, sometimes I get the gift of watching her boys for a half hour or so. Again, sheer bliss and giggles and laughter and play.

So these are just some examples of how I serve. Some of the little ways I try to give back some of the richness I have received.

I also meditate for an hour each morning and an hour each evening and for 3 hours on Sunday evenings. I study my lessons and scripture daily. I exercise and eat a vegetarian diet. I avoid all intoxicants and limit all stimulants and I practice brahmacharya (celibacy).
Through all these seeming restrictions on my so-called freedom, I have found more freedom than I ever dreamed possible.

Life is still not a cake walk. It has its severe challenges. Mostly on the battlefront within my own self. The battle in my mind to make the right choice in each moment. The choice of kindness over meanness, the choice of generosity over greed, the choice of self-control over sense gratification, the choice between humility and pride, the choice of compassion over jealousy or anger, the choice of meditation and stillness over sensory agitation and restlessness. It is always a choice to move closer to God or to keep him hidden away behind the veil of my ignorance and selfishness.

For a fair balance, a story to illustrate that I don't always make the right choices! I have a neighbor who has been revving a motorcycle engine under my window for 6 straight months. He doesn't ride the said motorcycle because he doesn't have a license for it, and just between me and you, the internet audience, I think he's actually afraid to ride it. So instead, like a little boy, he goes out and turns it on and revs it for 15 minutes, 3 times a week. I have tried to reason with him and have asked him not to make so much noise not only under my window, but also under the windows of 20 other condos. My plea fell on deaf ears and I resigned myself to living with his noise. But then one Sunday he turned the bike on when I was in the middle of a much needed nap... and that was it... after 5 years of meditation and trying to choose the right thing in each moment, I just snapped... and it all went out the window in a split second.... LITERALLY... out the window as I yanked it open and with all the violence of 6 months of pent up seething rage, I screamed "TURN IT OFF!!!!!!!!" Not only did I scream.... I actually shook my fists at him! Hah! He turned it off quite abruptly and I went to my 3 hour meditation that evening. Of course as soon as I got myself quiet enough I could see that screaming in rage, no matter how good it felt in the moment, no matter how justified I may have been, my action was not the soul progressing choice. No one is responsible for my response to life's challenges, but me. One's behavior may be wrong, but my behavior is my own and the one thing I have control over. So I turned to prayer, to love, to forgiveness. I asked to change this violence in myself and remove this darkness from my clouded eyes of ego. I went home calm and knew that I should have prayed for this man instead of yelling at him. So I resolved to do just that..... until..... the following Tuesday when he showed up on my doorstep to confront me over my yelling on Sunday! It took me all of 4 minutes until I was in full on screaming, storming, rage mode again! Shrieking at him! And the worst... the moment I regret above all moments.... and I only confess it here, because it's so awful that it's actually quite humorous... I screamed... literally screamed in his face.... "I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR SOUL!!!!" Yeah. I know. I told you it was bad. Because, ya know, ya always want the girl screaming like a raging lunatic to pray for your soul. I'm sure that God is listening to that nut cake and answering all her prayers! Sigh. Anyway. I ultimately attended a condo home owners association meeting on the subject and the man has since turned off his motorcycle for good. I didn't yell at him once during the meeting... in fact I actually smiled at him and sat very close to him both physically and emotionally during the hearing, knowing that in fact he is my very own and that though his actions are inharmonious, so also can my actions be inharmonious and our way to liberation lies in each other. I did roll my eyes a few times and make a few audible sighs at some of his ridiculous justifications. But I did not yell. And I allowed him to hold the door open for me on the way out as he smiled and told me "I'm not the hell's angel you think I am." I know you're not, Dear One. You are God's own perfect child made in his image and love.

Sigh. So as I say. It isn't perfect out here in this world of delusion. But we do our best.

Oh... and that whole excoriated acne thing, that whole dermatillomania thing, that whole self-mutilation thing... well... I can never be completely away from it. It stares at me from the mirror each morning. But so too stares the miraculous healing power of God who has regrown skin and smoothed roughness and soothed swelling as I never could have imagined. My face is not perfect... or perfect in the sense of worldly beauty. I'm scarred. But I now know that these scars are the results of battle wounds I offer proudly to my beloved God as a symbol of my fight to overcome delusion, darkness and ignorance. Without the fight and without these reminders, I may have forever remained on a path leading to more ignorance and more suffering. But these wounds brought me to my knees, where I glimpsed at last the feet of my beloved Guru sent by God to redeem me. Now I follow him steadfastly and know that he is leading me to ever new, ever conscious, ever blissful existence in God's kingdom of immortality.

Wherever you are, I send you love. I send you healing. I send you my prayers for your safe Homecomings.

Aum, Shanti, Shanti, Peace, Amen.

Creaking and cracking my new little wings open in the Sun!

My Beloveds!!!!
It has been oh so long since I have written! In case you were wondering, I'm still here in the world kickin' and screamin' along. :)

I have to say that overall my life is going so well it is unbelievable. From where I was 2 years ago to where I am now is HUGE!

For one thing on a physical level, my skin has been through a miraculous transformation. It is still not perfect... and my disorder is still not perfectly healed, but the difference is remarkable. I went out to dinner with a group of friends I hadn't seen in a while the other night. I have lopped my long curly hair down to a short little pixie cut (something I never could have done 2 years ago, both for confidence reasons and for the sake of not scaring small children on the street when I was going through the worst of the healing breakouts) and all of my friends were cooing, "You look so fantastic!" My friend Will came and held my face in his hands and I said, "Will, I'm mangled." And he didn't say anything, he just started kissing me all over my face. I can not tell you what that gesture meant to me.

The world seems to be sending me that same message over and over and over. "I love you. Get over it. You're beautiful, NOW, as beautiful as you have ever been and I love you."

Another example is the other day I got called randomly to work a day as an extra on a little TV show. It was a union job and only a few hours long and I figured it would be good, not only to get paid, but to get back out there into the world of on-camera acting (my biggest fear since going through all of this) and extra work is the safest way to do this, because I'll just be a blurry image in the background no one should even notice, if the actors are doing their jobs. So I showed up on set and it felt great to be there. Like I wanted to run over to the Craft Services tables and throw my arms around them and scream, "Oh how I've missed you! I never thought I'd see you again!" And it also felt great because I realized how confident I've become in so many other areas of my life, that the acting thing is just something I do, it isn't EVERYTHING I AM! What a relief! So while all of this is going on in my experience, there is also that evil little old voice in the back of my head nagging, "They're gonna freak when they see your skin." But it's a quiet voice now and there are so many other loving voices in my head that it really doesn't have much power any more. So I just said, "Hey you, Little Voice, glad you could join us, but pipe down so we can get on with our day." So first I'm standing in line to get my eggs and toast and there's a PA standing behind me eying me, but not in the "damn!-that-girl's-face-is-whack" kinda way, but in a "there's-a-hot-new-chick-on-set" kinda way, and after my delicious Craft Service breakfast I hop in the van to go from the holding area to the set, and the van driver is like totally checking me out and then I get to the set and the 1st AD is flirting with me and the director suddenly has swivel-neck disorder and the DP has drop-jaw disorder. Okay, I'm exaggerating.... but only a little. Like the vibe around the joint is definitely pro-Butterfly, and I'm diggin it! I mean I haven't been a piece-o-meat in 2 years, and I gotta say that this is the first, and probably last time, I'm actually kind of liking it! But it isn't just the dudes. I go to wardrobe check and after watching extra after extra sulk off to change into their second outfit choice after being snubbed by the costumer's keen eye for fashion, I get to the front of the line where she looks me up and down and says, "C-uh-ute!!!!" So now we're on set and they're setting up the scene, and I kind of shirk off to this table that I'm sure won't be in the scene, or if it is it'll be so blurry no one will ever be able to tell I'm a woman, much less a mangled one, when all of the sudden I hear, "Hey Arizona, get over here." The 1st AD, having learned my home state in his flirting session and now using it as my nickname, is waving me over. So I get there and he says, "We need the pretty girls to be in the scene." and he proceeds to place me right behind the lead actors. Now for most extras this is a dream come true. For me, not so much. For two reasons, one my skin issues, but two and most importantly is that I have no desire whatsoever to be seen jaw-jacking in the background while two people do what I have been training to do for 11 years. Which is stand in front of me, feeling superior, and do a scene that they have memorized, rehearsed in their trailers and are now filming take after take. But I gotta say, that today, I'm a-okay with the whole thing. Even the bitchy guest star who keeps starin' me down can't phase me. I'm on a set, I'm in a scene and people are diggin me! And the best part of being right up there is that I'm literally nose to nose with the whole process, I get to watch the actors over and over again and the camera moves and the director giving advice on the next take, and I just start thinking, "Why did you psych yourself out over this!? This is no big deal! You can do this!" So that is just huge!

So folks out there in internet land, after 2 years in my safe little cocoon, I'm finally crawling out and stretching my little fragile wings. I'm going to yoga 6 days a week and doing stuff in my classes that I never thought humanly possible, think Flying Pigeon Pose and Forearm Scorpion. I live in a gorgeous new condo that I worked with a contractor one on one with to design and renovate. I cook in the kitchen that I measured, designed, ordered from Ikea and oversaw the installation of. I shower in the showers I picked the travertine tiles for, I wake up in my blackberry-mocha-painted bedroom that came from my hard work in finding a real estate agent and mortgage broker, and from talking my mom down off the crazy scared bridge she was on every day through the process of purchasing our new home. I meditate each morning to gorgeous light streaming in my windows and each night to the glow of the moon. I volunteer every week for my spiritual organization and greet sweet souls who come to find their spiritual healing in one of the most sacred places I have ever seen on Earth. I got a new voice-over agent who has been getting me out for leading voices on Disney cartoons, which is something I've always dreamed of, and I am getting positive feedback from the casting directors. I auditioned for 2 plays last month and had positive experience in both.

About 4 years ago I sat in the courtyard in front of the biggest theatre complex in Los Angeles, (home to the 2 major Equity Theatres and the LA Philharmonic and Opera), with the fountains going off spraying water 40 feet in the air, and looking around at the thousands of people milling about for a pre-show dinner, I thought, "This is it. This place, this work, these people, THIS is why I have worked so hard for so long and sacrificed so much. So that one day I can wake up in the morning and come here to rehearse a play that one day I will perform for these beautiful people and we can share a moment of living breathing art together. If I can some day work here, all of this struggle and strife will be worth it." After years of submitting my picture to the casting director and hearing nothing but deafening silence as a response, 3 weeks ago I finally had my very first audition for LA's biggest theatre. The feedback from the casting director was positive. And I'm sure there will be more opportunities like this in the future.

All of this would not be possible if not for the grace of God, who came to me in my darkest hour as I literally lay curled in a ball on the floor of my bedroom rocking and moaning, "Please God, please, have mercy on me. Please comfort me. Please help me stop hurting myself. Please show me the way. Please help me want to live. Please, please, please. I want to love myself and I want You to love me."

I would not be here if He had not responded. I know that now. And it scares me. But to anyone who feels that they can not go on, all I can say is, "Don't you want to see what waits for you, if you do? There's so much out there, all you have to do is show up and try to take your next breath."

To my sweet readers. I love you all dearly. I wish you the best of this world and the best of the world that lies beyond the physical world with which we have come to identify ourselves. The world that is waiting for us to discover it, the one just behind the darkness of our closed eyes. May God truly bless you and may you feel His presence in each moment of your life. Jai Guru, Jai Ma, Jai, Jai, Jai!!!!

Hello my dearest Dear Ones out there! I just wanted to send out a quick update since it has been a while since I've done that. So, I just first want to say that physically I am finally over the worst of the monsterous breakouts! Thank God for that! What's more, the deep scars I had, especially on my jawline are really, really healing. I still have pimples and strangers who look at me and have no idea what it used to look like probably still think, "Oh poor love, if only her skin were smooth and clear, she'd be so pretty." Hah! :) But I know what's happening. Pretty miraculous what my dear precious sweet intelligent little cells are capable of. On the physical routine, I realize I haven't updated in a while. So, ages ago I recommended that silver soap. That did help the huge infection I had going on on my face, but after a while it was overdrying and also I believe may have caused some hyper-pigmentation. So I stopped using that and just went back to pure Desert Essence soap once a day in the evenings. I also switched to Burt's Bees Daily Moisturizing Cream, and in the morning (now this may be crazy for others, but it's worked for me), I put on Avalon Organics sunscreen ON TOP of the Burt's Bees. For me I think it's been essential to have good moisture on my face to help the scars heal. I still use Aloe Juice as a toner. Okay, the biggest thing I think that is helping soooo much, (well on a physical level) is that I exfoliate every 12 DAYS with Baking Soda. It peels off a very thin layer of skin without harsh chemicals and then I notice in 2 or 3 days this fresh new little baby skin (kind of looks like dry skin until I mosturize.) And by day 12, my scars are dramatically lessened. I just keep saying over and over, "Today is better than yesterday, and yesterday was better than the day before." One huge thing I've done during this process is take pictures once a month. When I think I'm not making progress, those photos tell me a completely different story. The difference from month to month is so dramatic! And I feel it would be completely unfair of me not to mention what I believe is healing me more than anything I am doing on a physical level. On a spiritual level, my whole life is changing in so many ways! I am fully on the path towards discovering my truest nature and I am grateful every day for that. Many, many miracles have taken place since I set out in this direction, too many to even list here, but more than anything, I just FEEL lighter and happier and more loving than I have in years. I feel when I look at the people I see on the street that they are my brothers and sisters and that if they would let me I would love to hold them in my arms and tell them how beautiful they are. I feel more loving towards my family members, my neighbors, my grocers, my fellow devotees at church, the dogs and cats that cross my path, the birds in the trees tweeting their songs at me, and my gorgeous flowering orchid that continues to bloom on my countertop. The world inside of me is expanding daily and I feel that I am finding more and more of that expansion to share outside of me. I've mentioned Yogananda and the book Autobiography of a Yogi in previous blogs. Since I have really committed myself to this spiritual path, all doors are opening for me and all healing is the work of God and Guru. I feel each morning that I am being loved and guided by the purest most unconditional love there is and that I am God's child. That I am loved as I can never possibly comprehend in human terms. And that the more I turn to that love, the more love I have to give to others. I also feel a responsibility to uphold my end of that relationship... that partnership with God and Guru. That it is my responsiblity to wake up and meditate and to meditate before bed... that if I have nothing else to offer, at least I can offer that to the feet of the Divine. I think in regards to skin picking, this is HUGE, because my skin picking comes from such a selfish place. As in, I get so self-focused that I can not see the world around me. That the whole world revolves around me and the condition of my skin. That I am the only one that is affected by my picking or that I am the only one in the world who is suffering. So wanting to be there on my meditation blanket each night and each morning to sit and chill with God for an hour or two in my day, that is huge. And life is just changing sooooo much from a year ago. It's unfathomable. I am back to being social and loving in the world, I am back to working (I had 6 voiceover auditions a couple weeks ago and also got a job reading a lead character for preliminary work on a major animated film), I'm in the process of buying and renovating a condo, I've been hanging out with my 86 year old neighbor and helping her get out into the world, I've met a wonderful group of new friends at the Self Realization Temple, etc... A year ago I just could not see how my life would change in such wonderful ways. I just knew I had to stop doing something that was harming me. That's all I knew. So to anyone out there who is reading this and struggling in that dark dark place, I offer my story to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a long, scary tunnel with a lot of scary undealt with things lurking in it, but the power of the light at the end of it can guide you through all of them safely. All you have to do is take the first step. I love you all. I think of you often. I know where you are and what you are dealing with and my heart just reaches out to you and wraps you up in its love. Know that I love you and that you can do no wrong that will ever make me stop loving you. You are precious, you are special, you are beautiful and unique. You are a spark of the infinite and we are one. Sending you love and peace and joy, joy, joy!

ONE YEAR TODAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!

So here it is, my one year anniversary! I'm gonna celebrate with a single scoop of lemon cream gelato on a sugar cone and a long walk to get it in the warm bright sun!

The road to this point has been long and treacherous! I often say if I had known what I would go through a year ago when I stopped picking, I probably would not have been able to stop! But the one day at a time thing and this guiding comforting hand of God on my back have kept me going.

By no means have I been perfect on this road or on this journey. As recently as a week ago, I had a major breakdown and picked at myself. The craziest thing about it, is that I was sitting there having this internal dialogue with myself as I was doing it. "Butterfly! What are you doing? You can NOT do this to yourself!" But I just couldn't stop myself. The voices of pain and hurt and suffering were just too strong. (I've had one of the most stressful months of this process... I'm in the middle of scanning thousands of old family photos spanning over 6 generations. I've had to look at my own immediate family and all the dark shadows that lurk there, and I've had to see the generations of mental illnesses, abuse and psychological disorders laid out in front of me one photo at a time for an entire month! It has been horrible. And it has been purposeful! I feel it is unleashing some built up and buried emotions from down in the pit of my heart and as they say, "the darkest hour, comes just before the dawn." )

So even as I sat down to write this today, I thought, "Well who are you to say that it's your one year anniversary, when you picked at yourself a week ago?" But I think I'm coming to understand, that I suffer from a disorder that I will have to come face to face with for at least a few more years, hopefully not a lifetime, and conquer time and time again. I am in recovery and it is daily and ongoing. My guru says that it takes 8 years to change a hard engrained habit! 8 YEARS!!!!!!!! And that even a little step in the direction of returning to that habit in that time frame is very damaging to the progress of letting it go forever. I know for myself that when I get stressed, I start to look in the mirror more, I start just casually touching my skin, I start convincing myself, "It's okay, to just pop this one. It needs it. It'll help it." And then before I know it I'm in full on harm inflicting mode! So the most important thing I can do is recognize the early trigger points and step away from them.

There is a beautiful analogy I like to think of in times like these. I heard it from a minister at SRF and it has stuck with me ever since. It's the story of this certain type of monkey. This monkey can only be caught by this special trap. It's a little box and inside the box, the trappers place a desirable object for the monkey to spot and try to grab. The monkey reaches his hand in and grabs the object and when he tries to remove his hand with the object, he finds that it will no longer easily slide from the trap door. All the monkey has to do to escape is let the object go. He just has to put the object down and he will be free.
So I can see now that when I'm standing in front of the mirror I have a choice. I can reach in the trap and grab my addiction and hold on to it, or I can look over to my left and see that God and Guru and my family and my career and my friends, the love of my life that I have not yet met and my whole future are standing right there for me just an arms length from the trap and all I have to do is let go of the thing that is keeping me from them and walk over and embrace my Bliss. So I am consciously working on that every single day and have been doing so for an ENTIRE YEAR!!!!!!!!!! And that is something I believe deserves celebration!

So today, I'm gonna pat myself on my back! I'm gonna go out and give myself some much needed self love and I'm gonna share my love of self, God and Guru with all the people I meet along the way. I hope that you are out there today and that when our eyes meet, we exchange a knowing and loving smile with eachother. I hope we see in one another the beauty of our courageous powerful spirits and acknowledge each other as the gods that we are! Wishing you a bright, love-filled, delicious day! Love, Love, Love, Joy, Joy, Joy!

10 months in! This whole being a human thing ain't no joke!

Well hello out there!
I see that it has been 2 months since my last update! Sorry for the delay!
The reason for my delay in updating is that my life is sort of sweeping me away in this glorious way where I feel like each second is valuable and precious and my time is being well spent. What a change from 10 months ago where each second of my life was spent in anguish over the singular thought "My skin sucks!"
The physical condition of my skin is "still healing". It is not perfect by any means. It continues to break out, especially around my period, and big pockets that were formed during the worst of the breakout points are still filling in and regrowing new skin. I don't have any real idea of what it will look like when this is over, and to say that I don't worry about it would be dishonest. I do worry about it. A lot. But there is something in me that wants to see this through and to see what my body can do on its own. And the amazing thing is that tremendous healing has taken place already and continues daily! Every morning when I wake up my skin is in better shape than it was the day before.
I think the biggest change is in my mental and spiritual healing. In a way this whole skin thing and going through this horrific healing process has freed me in some way from my body consciousness. I actually go out with no make up on and just sort of display the healing process in a way I never, never could have done a year ago... and though I do get quite a few sympathetic and worried stares, I also find that the less I'm concerned with it, the less the people around me are concerned with it.
One huge change that happened in the last two months is that work opportunities have been presenting themselves and I have been forced out of my little cocoon, or rather gently nudged by some unseen hand. I've had several opportunities to read some screenplays and plays for future productions and have had many voice over auditions coming in. I've had friends in town for the holidays and other social events that have pulled me out into the light and there I've stood bravely and told people what I've been going through for 10 months. They all looked at me and with love and appreciation threw their arms around me and said "You are a brave girl! I wish you had told me, maybe I could have helped. In any case, I love you." And with each encounter I feel stronger and more determined to make it through this.
The biggest life change is in the value I now place on cultivating my spiritual health. I am more committed than ever and the change is profound. I now meditate in the morning and the evening for a half an hour. I have subscribed to lessons from the Self Realization Fellowship and I study and practice them faithfully. This is the institution set up by Yogananda to teach his yogic tradition to anyone who seeks to follow it. The information alone is a tremendous gift, but in addition I have received many additional blessings by following this path.
One moment sort of sticks out in my mind. I was reading a lesson about gurus, and what a guru is. Essentially a teacher who has fully realized his or her oneness with God and who then dedicates their lives and beyond this life to helping others find their oneness with God. Buddha is a guru, Jesus a guru too and Yogananda a guru to all students who follow his teachings. Anyway I was sitting there feeling rather helpless that I didn't have a guru in the flesh to sit with me and guide me and help me through my spiritual and life demands, and writing about it. The very next morning, my phone rang and it was a spiritual counselor from the Self Realization Fellowship who wanted to talk with me. She sat on the phone with me and talked with me from deepest love in her heart. One thing I was struggling with was this idea of dedicating one's life to God and how that is the highest priority of every human. I said, "Well, what does that mean for me? Am I to give up on being an actress and dedicate myself to the life of a renunciate? Do I become a nun and live in an ashram?" And as I ask the question I kind of feel my heart breaking. I can do that, if that is what God asks of me, but I'm so confused. And this counselor says so sweetly, "Dear One, where He has placed you, there He must come. Play the role you have been given to the best of your ability. Dedicate your acting to God, play for God. What a beautiful thing that is!" And it was like this huge tremendous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I went out that day feeling the great blessing that had been sent to me in this phone call. And then this great thing happened. I was in the mall and I stopped to eat a pretzel on this bench. I'm watching people walk by me. And because I'm sort of open and hypersensitive since this phone call, I'm sort of feeling this undulating wave of the unhappiness of mankind swelling over me. I see 2 teenage girls walk by me, one pretty severely obese and I see her make eye contact with me and duck her head in shame, I see some teenage boys walk by and stare me up and down and then elbow each other and say some snide comment about their sexual conquering power. And I'm seeing all this, and I'm separate from it, but I'm a part of it. I am a human and these are my fears and worries and feelings too. So I sort of have this thought, like "How are we ever to find our way to God from this world of tremendous suffering? How do we live in kindness and love and compassion and calmness and bravery, when we are met with such hostility and pain?" and then I just say "Where He has placed me, there He must come." And I just repeat it, over and over and over until I just feel this huge freedom and peace. So I get up and I go into Target and as I'm going to leave, right at the exit I'm going out, in walks one of my very favorite actors. This is an actor that I have been watching 0n TV and saying over and over, "Oh man, I hope I get to work with him someday!" And here we are at this exact moment, passing each other in Target. And I'm just so moved and swept away by this perfection... that it is this actor, at this place, at this precise moment in time, and all the things this encounter represents for me, this power showing me that I am where I need to be, that I am doing the right work, that there is a perfect organizing power and that I am as much a part of the big moving picture that is life as everything else is. And that as we turn more and more to it, it reveals more and more of itself to us. All we have to do is turn!
So my fellow travellers, this is where I am 10 months in. I've got a ways to go in this process, but I feel like at least now I know that I'm walking on the right path! I send you all love and courage on your journeys and wish you all countless joys, blessings, love, abundance and health for 2009 and beyond!

7 months!

Hi, just a quick blog to recognize my 7th month of healing!

Now I'm also going to confess here that I had, last month, a few weak and stressful moments where I caught myself picking at my chest. It was shocking, because I hadn't even realized I was doing it. I'm a little ashamed about it, but I share it, because I think it is important for anyone out there on the journey to know that even 7 months in, I am still fighting to stop picking at myself and 7 months in I can still remind myself to take it one day at a time. I do have to say that the huge difference is that now, after 7 months of this work, I have a huge tool box to dig into that I didn't have before and I have the knowledge now that I can not pick, absolutely CAN NOT PICK, no matter what. I can always stop myself by looking at the clock and counting down the hours like I did on the first day and every moment since then that I needed it. It was also a really important lesson, because I got to feel the difference of feeling the shame from picking versus the shame of having this other skin on my face that is healing. One made me feel awful and the other, while it doesn't make me feel great, is at least tolerable because it is coming from a positive place of healing.

And while I'm in confession mode, I have recently caught myself touching my skin again, not picking it, but touching it. So now here I am 7 months in and I am now back to working minute by minute at not touching!!!!!!!!! Unbelievably challenging!

I think part of what is going on is that I'm actually getting much closer to being healed than I have ever been. I can actually see that I'm getting closer and I think there is this part of me that is absolutely terrified about what to do next! The questions that I had that lead me to picking are still here and the pressure to be attractive is still here and all the things that I feared are still here. While I've been focused on not picking and healing, I didn't have to think about what happens next... but now that I'm getting closer, I'm starting to get anxious about what to do next. So I'm just trying to stay in the moment, take my next breath and not freak out. Follow my inner guidance and trust that the moment will reveal my next step.

So anyway, that is where I am. Still here doing the work and breathing my next breath. Sending you all love and peace!

Living the book of Job.

I'm not sure where to even begin this blog.

I guess the best place to start would be the beginning, as in all things.

Growing up, the word God was used in two contexts in my home... One as an expression of rage "God Damnit!" and two as an expression of surprise " Oh my God!!!!!!" Church was something the neighbors did on Sunday before we played. Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim were adjective vocabulary words I learned to spell, nothing more.

One summer my babysitter enrolled her kids and me in Bible Study at the local Church of the Nazarene, not because she was particularly religious, but because along with Brownies, gymnastics, art classes, etc.. it was a way for her to have an hour a day to hear herself think. I remember sitting in my little pew and listening the stories of Jesus healing blind people and seeing all the other little kids nodding their heads and cooing "aaaaahhh" . And all the while I'm thinking... "Are these people out of their minds?"

And so my life went for about 12 years. Then all hell broke loose at home, as we've read in my other blogs, and suddenly my mom and dad are at 12 Step Meetings reciting the Serenity Prayer. And slowly the influx of Daily Affirmation books, incense, meditation cushions, books on contacting your inner spirit, and a whole slew of other previously unconsidered avenues to spiritual life start pouring into our house. And before long, at the dinner table we discuss our lives as journeys of the soul, rather than meaningless physical and material expressions of nothingness. Or rather, my mom and I discuss this curled up in her bed over bags of Jack in the Box and a tub of Ben and Jerry's. (Home life was bleak there for a long period after my dad and brother left, but at least we had each other and more importantly, we had for the first time, a spiritual perspective on our lives and questions about how to go deeper.)

And so began a period of try anything and see what sticks. My mom dove in full force, meditation classes, body healing work, a past life discovery group, a ouija board came in, pendulums, crystals, the Bible, books on Hinduism, gurus, the Divine Mother, Buddhism, What Is Enlightenment magazines, Carlos Casteneda... you name it, she tried it. And all of this trickled down to me. We'd discuss past lives and how they affected our current situations, we'd consult the ouija board to talk to our lost dog, we'd meditate before any big decisions and follow our inner guidance etc...

And the truth is our lives were blessed in this period. Things came into us miraculously. We always had what we needed and we were in the universal flow. There were challenges, certainly, but we saw them as lessons and negotiated them calmly and bravely.

Part of why we were so able to live this way is that we lived in a community and in a place that inspired this. We were in the midst of 2 Native American tribes and their culture and traditions were all around us. Our community was one that saw and respected its members. Just stepping out of your front door you were greeted with love from your neighbors. The local fashion was hiking boots, jeans and tee shirts and so much was placed on your love of life rather than on your love of physical beauty. And most importantly we lived in nature! Every morning we woke up to giant peaks growing out of our kitchen window and on Sundays we took drives out to the energy vortexes near our house. We were living in an environment that daily reminded us that there was a bigger organizing power present in every moment.

But the rest of the world does not live this way, as we were soon to discover. Starting with my year in France and continuing for the next 10 years in Los Angeles, my spiritual view of life slowly slipped farther and farther from my mind and the material/ physical life crept in to replace it.

I like to see what happened with this analogy:
It was as if the work I was doing spiritually was like laying bricks and wood piece by piece until I had built this really amazing house for myself. It was gorgeous and well made, and when I lived in this spiritual abode I fed things into it that enriched it further, tapestries of God and spirit, ottomans of love and faith, cushy sofas of kindness, feather beds of generosity, etc... But then I moved to LA and slowly my mind moved out of my beautiful spiritual home and the further I turned from it the more vulnerable it became. And before I knew it, these vagrants and vandals of bad habits and low thinking had usurped it from me. They came in and with them they brought jealousy, lack, poverty thinking, greed, anger, feelings of low self esteem, self hatred, drinking, skin picking, smoking, lust, vanity, etc... Until my entire beautiful house was jam packed with crap and there was no place for me or my spirit within it.

So lately, I have been reclaiming my spiritual home. I see that each time I push in a loving thought, a prayer, a day in meditation, an hour with a spiritual book, one of these vandals gets shoved out the window. There is no space in this house so each time I push something good into it, something bad has to be forced out. HEAVE HO!!!!!!!!!

So what have I been doing that's different?
Somewhere in here I just felt like I needed some new spiritual inspiration. So I went on Amazon and bought a few little pocket books by Yogananda (who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi, from my reading list- still highly recommended to start with). One of them is a little 35 page book called Scientific Healing Affirmations. It has proved invaluable.

Perhaps the largest information I received from this book is the concept of humans as a triuned being, looking for physical health, mental health (or emotional health) and spiritual health. Sigh! Yes! And recognizing that I have been so singularly focused on my physical health and perhaps slightly on my mental health, but that my spiritual health has been starved! And to recognize that from spiritual health all other health is formed. So how do I feed my spirit?

Among other gems of inspiration in the book is Yogananda's prescription for reason. He says that one must know and experience what he is learning, not just theoretically understand it, and he says to do this one must spend 1 hour reading (inspiring material), 2 hours writing, and 3 hours in reflection or thinking and if one spends these 6 hours in reason, one must spend the rest of one's time in meditation.

So I have been taking this truly to heart. I have been doing some version of this practice, not always the full 6 hours, but in the same ratio, even if I only have 30 minutes in a busy day, to spend 5 mins reading, 10 minutes writing and 15 minutes reflecting. I have added nightly and morning prayers and affirmations from the book to my daily life and slowly, slowly, slowly they are replacing my doubts, fears and incessantly cyclically focused thoughts about my skin.

I am reading a slew of spiritual material in my reading portions of time, a lot of it Yogananda, but also the Bible (thanks to Yogananda's language that has invited me into this book that used to intimidate me) and the Bhagavad Gita.

And what I have found for myself is a whole new way of being and thinking. First and foremost I think of myself as a spirit in a body rather than just a body. And that in and of itself is freeing a lifetime of anguish. I'm not even sure I can describe all the other changes going on, but from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, I am experiencing great great change in how I live my life. And the world is responding.

Just a little example: when I began attending my yoga studio about 5 years ago, the owner of the studio and master instructor used to always pay me some special attention in the class. The studio I go to is massive and often there are 100 people in a class, but every class, this instructor would find a way to come over and adjust me, or crack my toes or brush up against me. It always made me feel special. (Don't get me wrong, this guy is amazing and does this for everyone in one way or another. He gives them what they need.) So anyway. When I had just started to pick at myself, one of the things he talked about while guiding us through the physical practice, was how we unconsciously do things without knowing it and he gave an example about how his girlfriend has to remind him that he's picking his nose. It made us laugh, but I remember thinking, "Oh my God! He knows what I'm doing!" Then as I got further and further into the picking and farther and farther from my bright little spirit, this instructor drifted farther and farther away... months would go by and he wouldn't come near me during my practice. In fact this is a microcosm example of what was happening all around me in my life, the people that loved me sort of drifted away and I was so lost in my own struggle that I didn't even really notice or care. So finally, here I am, back in this spiritual work and I got the opportunity to have 5 days dedicated to a yoga retreat. So I was doing my 6 hours on reason and spirit and while I was in yoga I was 100% focused on my internal spiritual life, running affirmations in my head and lost in my spirit. Suddenly, this instructor is over behind me and he is grabbing me in this really intense and very personal and intimate adjustment, he's circling around me and directing portions of the class at me and he's smiling at me after class. I also attended other instructors classes and it didn't matter where I was or who I was practicing with, the story was the same. One of these other instructors even picked a kirtan (Hindu singing of devotion) that was directed at Lakshmi (the Hindu goddess who hid in the milk of the ocean and when she reemerged she had a perfect complexion). So I guess what I'm saying is that when you take a step in this direction, of love and spirit, the world responds and encourages you to continue.

I see it on my walks in the evening, people are smiling and greeting me and I am feeling more love for them and from them than I have in years. And all of this translates to me feeling more love for myself, but more importantly a huge and great love of God.

And believe it or not, I'm even attending a service on Sundays. It is at a yoga ashram dedicated to Vedanta. Based on the Vedas, the sacred scriptures of India, Vedanta affirms the oneness of existence, the divinity of the soul, and the harmony of religions. The first service I attended I just sat in tears of joy and love feeling at last that I had found a community and a place to receive more support on my journey.

So all in all, I am here living one day at a time and turning more and more of my life over to faith, God and Spirit. Reading the book of Job, Job's love of God, loss of God in troubled times and returning to God in the end with more faith than ever before and God responding with more love for Job than ever before, and finding a story that resembles my own.

Sending you all love and peace on your journeys! Love, love, love!