Hi, just a quick blog to recognize my 7th month of healing!
Now I'm also going to confess here that I had, last month, a few weak and stressful moments where I caught myself picking at my chest. It was shocking, because I hadn't even realized I was doing it. I'm a little ashamed about it, but I share it, because I think it is important for anyone out there on the journey to know that even 7 months in, I am still fighting to stop picking at myself and 7 months in I can still remind myself to take it one day at a time. I do have to say that the huge difference is that now, after 7 months of this work, I have a huge tool box to dig into that I didn't have before and I have the knowledge now that I can not pick, absolutely CAN NOT PICK, no matter what. I can always stop myself by looking at the clock and counting down the hours like I did on the first day and every moment since then that I needed it. It was also a really important lesson, because I got to feel the difference of feeling the shame from picking versus the shame of having this other skin on my face that is healing. One made me feel awful and the other, while it doesn't make me feel great, is at least tolerable because it is coming from a positive place of healing.
And while I'm in confession mode, I have recently caught myself touching my skin again, not picking it, but touching it. So now here I am 7 months in and I am now back to working minute by minute at not touching!!!!!!!!! Unbelievably challenging!
I think part of what is going on is that I'm actually getting much closer to being healed than I have ever been. I can actually see that I'm getting closer and I think there is this part of me that is absolutely terrified about what to do next! The questions that I had that lead me to picking are still here and the pressure to be attractive is still here and all the things that I feared are still here. While I've been focused on not picking and healing, I didn't have to think about what happens next... but now that I'm getting closer, I'm starting to get anxious about what to do next. So I'm just trying to stay in the moment, take my next breath and not freak out. Follow my inner guidance and trust that the moment will reveal my next step.
So anyway, that is where I am. Still here doing the work and breathing my next breath. Sending you all love and peace!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Living the book of Job.
I'm not sure where to even begin this blog.
I guess the best place to start would be the beginning, as in all things.
Growing up, the word God was used in two contexts in my home... One as an expression of rage "God Damnit!" and two as an expression of surprise " Oh my God!!!!!!" Church was something the neighbors did on Sunday before we played. Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim were adjective vocabulary words I learned to spell, nothing more.
One summer my babysitter enrolled her kids and me in Bible Study at the local Church of the Nazarene, not because she was particularly religious, but because along with Brownies, gymnastics, art classes, etc.. it was a way for her to have an hour a day to hear herself think. I remember sitting in my little pew and listening the stories of Jesus healing blind people and seeing all the other little kids nodding their heads and cooing "aaaaahhh" . And all the while I'm thinking... "Are these people out of their minds?"
And so my life went for about 12 years. Then all hell broke loose at home, as we've read in my other blogs, and suddenly my mom and dad are at 12 Step Meetings reciting the Serenity Prayer. And slowly the influx of Daily Affirmation books, incense, meditation cushions, books on contacting your inner spirit, and a whole slew of other previously unconsidered avenues to spiritual life start pouring into our house. And before long, at the dinner table we discuss our lives as journeys of the soul, rather than meaningless physical and material expressions of nothingness. Or rather, my mom and I discuss this curled up in her bed over bags of Jack in the Box and a tub of Ben and Jerry's. (Home life was bleak there for a long period after my dad and brother left, but at least we had each other and more importantly, we had for the first time, a spiritual perspective on our lives and questions about how to go deeper.)
And so began a period of try anything and see what sticks. My mom dove in full force, meditation classes, body healing work, a past life discovery group, a ouija board came in, pendulums, crystals, the Bible, books on Hinduism, gurus, the Divine Mother, Buddhism, What Is Enlightenment magazines, Carlos Casteneda... you name it, she tried it. And all of this trickled down to me. We'd discuss past lives and how they affected our current situations, we'd consult the ouija board to talk to our lost dog, we'd meditate before any big decisions and follow our inner guidance etc...
And the truth is our lives were blessed in this period. Things came into us miraculously. We always had what we needed and we were in the universal flow. There were challenges, certainly, but we saw them as lessons and negotiated them calmly and bravely.
Part of why we were so able to live this way is that we lived in a community and in a place that inspired this. We were in the midst of 2 Native American tribes and their culture and traditions were all around us. Our community was one that saw and respected its members. Just stepping out of your front door you were greeted with love from your neighbors. The local fashion was hiking boots, jeans and tee shirts and so much was placed on your love of life rather than on your love of physical beauty. And most importantly we lived in nature! Every morning we woke up to giant peaks growing out of our kitchen window and on Sundays we took drives out to the energy vortexes near our house. We were living in an environment that daily reminded us that there was a bigger organizing power present in every moment.
But the rest of the world does not live this way, as we were soon to discover. Starting with my year in France and continuing for the next 10 years in Los Angeles, my spiritual view of life slowly slipped farther and farther from my mind and the material/ physical life crept in to replace it.
I like to see what happened with this analogy:
It was as if the work I was doing spiritually was like laying bricks and wood piece by piece until I had built this really amazing house for myself. It was gorgeous and well made, and when I lived in this spiritual abode I fed things into it that enriched it further, tapestries of God and spirit, ottomans of love and faith, cushy sofas of kindness, feather beds of generosity, etc... But then I moved to LA and slowly my mind moved out of my beautiful spiritual home and the further I turned from it the more vulnerable it became. And before I knew it, these vagrants and vandals of bad habits and low thinking had usurped it from me. They came in and with them they brought jealousy, lack, poverty thinking, greed, anger, feelings of low self esteem, self hatred, drinking, skin picking, smoking, lust, vanity, etc... Until my entire beautiful house was jam packed with crap and there was no place for me or my spirit within it.
So lately, I have been reclaiming my spiritual home. I see that each time I push in a loving thought, a prayer, a day in meditation, an hour with a spiritual book, one of these vandals gets shoved out the window. There is no space in this house so each time I push something good into it, something bad has to be forced out. HEAVE HO!!!!!!!!!
So what have I been doing that's different?
Somewhere in here I just felt like I needed some new spiritual inspiration. So I went on Amazon and bought a few little pocket books by Yogananda (who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi, from my reading list- still highly recommended to start with). One of them is a little 35 page book called Scientific Healing Affirmations. It has proved invaluable.
Perhaps the largest information I received from this book is the concept of humans as a triuned being, looking for physical health, mental health (or emotional health) and spiritual health. Sigh! Yes! And recognizing that I have been so singularly focused on my physical health and perhaps slightly on my mental health, but that my spiritual health has been starved! And to recognize that from spiritual health all other health is formed. So how do I feed my spirit?
Among other gems of inspiration in the book is Yogananda's prescription for reason. He says that one must know and experience what he is learning, not just theoretically understand it, and he says to do this one must spend 1 hour reading (inspiring material), 2 hours writing, and 3 hours in reflection or thinking and if one spends these 6 hours in reason, one must spend the rest of one's time in meditation.
So I have been taking this truly to heart. I have been doing some version of this practice, not always the full 6 hours, but in the same ratio, even if I only have 30 minutes in a busy day, to spend 5 mins reading, 10 minutes writing and 15 minutes reflecting. I have added nightly and morning prayers and affirmations from the book to my daily life and slowly, slowly, slowly they are replacing my doubts, fears and incessantly cyclically focused thoughts about my skin.
I am reading a slew of spiritual material in my reading portions of time, a lot of it Yogananda, but also the Bible (thanks to Yogananda's language that has invited me into this book that used to intimidate me) and the Bhagavad Gita.
And what I have found for myself is a whole new way of being and thinking. First and foremost I think of myself as a spirit in a body rather than just a body. And that in and of itself is freeing a lifetime of anguish. I'm not even sure I can describe all the other changes going on, but from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, I am experiencing great great change in how I live my life. And the world is responding.
Just a little example: when I began attending my yoga studio about 5 years ago, the owner of the studio and master instructor used to always pay me some special attention in the class. The studio I go to is massive and often there are 100 people in a class, but every class, this instructor would find a way to come over and adjust me, or crack my toes or brush up against me. It always made me feel special. (Don't get me wrong, this guy is amazing and does this for everyone in one way or another. He gives them what they need.) So anyway. When I had just started to pick at myself, one of the things he talked about while guiding us through the physical practice, was how we unconsciously do things without knowing it and he gave an example about how his girlfriend has to remind him that he's picking his nose. It made us laugh, but I remember thinking, "Oh my God! He knows what I'm doing!" Then as I got further and further into the picking and farther and farther from my bright little spirit, this instructor drifted farther and farther away... months would go by and he wouldn't come near me during my practice. In fact this is a microcosm example of what was happening all around me in my life, the people that loved me sort of drifted away and I was so lost in my own struggle that I didn't even really notice or care. So finally, here I am, back in this spiritual work and I got the opportunity to have 5 days dedicated to a yoga retreat. So I was doing my 6 hours on reason and spirit and while I was in yoga I was 100% focused on my internal spiritual life, running affirmations in my head and lost in my spirit. Suddenly, this instructor is over behind me and he is grabbing me in this really intense and very personal and intimate adjustment, he's circling around me and directing portions of the class at me and he's smiling at me after class. I also attended other instructors classes and it didn't matter where I was or who I was practicing with, the story was the same. One of these other instructors even picked a kirtan (Hindu singing of devotion) that was directed at Lakshmi (the Hindu goddess who hid in the milk of the ocean and when she reemerged she had a perfect complexion). So I guess what I'm saying is that when you take a step in this direction, of love and spirit, the world responds and encourages you to continue.
I see it on my walks in the evening, people are smiling and greeting me and I am feeling more love for them and from them than I have in years. And all of this translates to me feeling more love for myself, but more importantly a huge and great love of God.
And believe it or not, I'm even attending a service on Sundays. It is at a yoga ashram dedicated to Vedanta. Based on the Vedas, the sacred scriptures of India, Vedanta affirms the oneness of existence, the divinity of the soul, and the harmony of religions. The first service I attended I just sat in tears of joy and love feeling at last that I had found a community and a place to receive more support on my journey.
So all in all, I am here living one day at a time and turning more and more of my life over to faith, God and Spirit. Reading the book of Job, Job's love of God, loss of God in troubled times and returning to God in the end with more faith than ever before and God responding with more love for Job than ever before, and finding a story that resembles my own.
Sending you all love and peace on your journeys! Love, love, love!
I guess the best place to start would be the beginning, as in all things.
Growing up, the word God was used in two contexts in my home... One as an expression of rage "God Damnit!" and two as an expression of surprise " Oh my God!!!!!!" Church was something the neighbors did on Sunday before we played. Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim were adjective vocabulary words I learned to spell, nothing more.
One summer my babysitter enrolled her kids and me in Bible Study at the local Church of the Nazarene, not because she was particularly religious, but because along with Brownies, gymnastics, art classes, etc.. it was a way for her to have an hour a day to hear herself think. I remember sitting in my little pew and listening the stories of Jesus healing blind people and seeing all the other little kids nodding their heads and cooing "aaaaahhh" . And all the while I'm thinking... "Are these people out of their minds?"
And so my life went for about 12 years. Then all hell broke loose at home, as we've read in my other blogs, and suddenly my mom and dad are at 12 Step Meetings reciting the Serenity Prayer. And slowly the influx of Daily Affirmation books, incense, meditation cushions, books on contacting your inner spirit, and a whole slew of other previously unconsidered avenues to spiritual life start pouring into our house. And before long, at the dinner table we discuss our lives as journeys of the soul, rather than meaningless physical and material expressions of nothingness. Or rather, my mom and I discuss this curled up in her bed over bags of Jack in the Box and a tub of Ben and Jerry's. (Home life was bleak there for a long period after my dad and brother left, but at least we had each other and more importantly, we had for the first time, a spiritual perspective on our lives and questions about how to go deeper.)
And so began a period of try anything and see what sticks. My mom dove in full force, meditation classes, body healing work, a past life discovery group, a ouija board came in, pendulums, crystals, the Bible, books on Hinduism, gurus, the Divine Mother, Buddhism, What Is Enlightenment magazines, Carlos Casteneda... you name it, she tried it. And all of this trickled down to me. We'd discuss past lives and how they affected our current situations, we'd consult the ouija board to talk to our lost dog, we'd meditate before any big decisions and follow our inner guidance etc...
And the truth is our lives were blessed in this period. Things came into us miraculously. We always had what we needed and we were in the universal flow. There were challenges, certainly, but we saw them as lessons and negotiated them calmly and bravely.
Part of why we were so able to live this way is that we lived in a community and in a place that inspired this. We were in the midst of 2 Native American tribes and their culture and traditions were all around us. Our community was one that saw and respected its members. Just stepping out of your front door you were greeted with love from your neighbors. The local fashion was hiking boots, jeans and tee shirts and so much was placed on your love of life rather than on your love of physical beauty. And most importantly we lived in nature! Every morning we woke up to giant peaks growing out of our kitchen window and on Sundays we took drives out to the energy vortexes near our house. We were living in an environment that daily reminded us that there was a bigger organizing power present in every moment.
But the rest of the world does not live this way, as we were soon to discover. Starting with my year in France and continuing for the next 10 years in Los Angeles, my spiritual view of life slowly slipped farther and farther from my mind and the material/ physical life crept in to replace it.
I like to see what happened with this analogy:
It was as if the work I was doing spiritually was like laying bricks and wood piece by piece until I had built this really amazing house for myself. It was gorgeous and well made, and when I lived in this spiritual abode I fed things into it that enriched it further, tapestries of God and spirit, ottomans of love and faith, cushy sofas of kindness, feather beds of generosity, etc... But then I moved to LA and slowly my mind moved out of my beautiful spiritual home and the further I turned from it the more vulnerable it became. And before I knew it, these vagrants and vandals of bad habits and low thinking had usurped it from me. They came in and with them they brought jealousy, lack, poverty thinking, greed, anger, feelings of low self esteem, self hatred, drinking, skin picking, smoking, lust, vanity, etc... Until my entire beautiful house was jam packed with crap and there was no place for me or my spirit within it.
So lately, I have been reclaiming my spiritual home. I see that each time I push in a loving thought, a prayer, a day in meditation, an hour with a spiritual book, one of these vandals gets shoved out the window. There is no space in this house so each time I push something good into it, something bad has to be forced out. HEAVE HO!!!!!!!!!
So what have I been doing that's different?
Somewhere in here I just felt like I needed some new spiritual inspiration. So I went on Amazon and bought a few little pocket books by Yogananda (who wrote Autobiography of a Yogi, from my reading list- still highly recommended to start with). One of them is a little 35 page book called Scientific Healing Affirmations. It has proved invaluable.
Perhaps the largest information I received from this book is the concept of humans as a triuned being, looking for physical health, mental health (or emotional health) and spiritual health. Sigh! Yes! And recognizing that I have been so singularly focused on my physical health and perhaps slightly on my mental health, but that my spiritual health has been starved! And to recognize that from spiritual health all other health is formed. So how do I feed my spirit?
Among other gems of inspiration in the book is Yogananda's prescription for reason. He says that one must know and experience what he is learning, not just theoretically understand it, and he says to do this one must spend 1 hour reading (inspiring material), 2 hours writing, and 3 hours in reflection or thinking and if one spends these 6 hours in reason, one must spend the rest of one's time in meditation.
So I have been taking this truly to heart. I have been doing some version of this practice, not always the full 6 hours, but in the same ratio, even if I only have 30 minutes in a busy day, to spend 5 mins reading, 10 minutes writing and 15 minutes reflecting. I have added nightly and morning prayers and affirmations from the book to my daily life and slowly, slowly, slowly they are replacing my doubts, fears and incessantly cyclically focused thoughts about my skin.
I am reading a slew of spiritual material in my reading portions of time, a lot of it Yogananda, but also the Bible (thanks to Yogananda's language that has invited me into this book that used to intimidate me) and the Bhagavad Gita.
And what I have found for myself is a whole new way of being and thinking. First and foremost I think of myself as a spirit in a body rather than just a body. And that in and of itself is freeing a lifetime of anguish. I'm not even sure I can describe all the other changes going on, but from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, I am experiencing great great change in how I live my life. And the world is responding.
Just a little example: when I began attending my yoga studio about 5 years ago, the owner of the studio and master instructor used to always pay me some special attention in the class. The studio I go to is massive and often there are 100 people in a class, but every class, this instructor would find a way to come over and adjust me, or crack my toes or brush up against me. It always made me feel special. (Don't get me wrong, this guy is amazing and does this for everyone in one way or another. He gives them what they need.) So anyway. When I had just started to pick at myself, one of the things he talked about while guiding us through the physical practice, was how we unconsciously do things without knowing it and he gave an example about how his girlfriend has to remind him that he's picking his nose. It made us laugh, but I remember thinking, "Oh my God! He knows what I'm doing!" Then as I got further and further into the picking and farther and farther from my bright little spirit, this instructor drifted farther and farther away... months would go by and he wouldn't come near me during my practice. In fact this is a microcosm example of what was happening all around me in my life, the people that loved me sort of drifted away and I was so lost in my own struggle that I didn't even really notice or care. So finally, here I am, back in this spiritual work and I got the opportunity to have 5 days dedicated to a yoga retreat. So I was doing my 6 hours on reason and spirit and while I was in yoga I was 100% focused on my internal spiritual life, running affirmations in my head and lost in my spirit. Suddenly, this instructor is over behind me and he is grabbing me in this really intense and very personal and intimate adjustment, he's circling around me and directing portions of the class at me and he's smiling at me after class. I also attended other instructors classes and it didn't matter where I was or who I was practicing with, the story was the same. One of these other instructors even picked a kirtan (Hindu singing of devotion) that was directed at Lakshmi (the Hindu goddess who hid in the milk of the ocean and when she reemerged she had a perfect complexion). So I guess what I'm saying is that when you take a step in this direction, of love and spirit, the world responds and encourages you to continue.
I see it on my walks in the evening, people are smiling and greeting me and I am feeling more love for them and from them than I have in years. And all of this translates to me feeling more love for myself, but more importantly a huge and great love of God.
And believe it or not, I'm even attending a service on Sundays. It is at a yoga ashram dedicated to Vedanta. Based on the Vedas, the sacred scriptures of India, Vedanta affirms the oneness of existence, the divinity of the soul, and the harmony of religions. The first service I attended I just sat in tears of joy and love feeling at last that I had found a community and a place to receive more support on my journey.
So all in all, I am here living one day at a time and turning more and more of my life over to faith, God and Spirit. Reading the book of Job, Job's love of God, loss of God in troubled times and returning to God in the end with more faith than ever before and God responding with more love for Job than ever before, and finding a story that resembles my own.
Sending you all love and peace on your journeys! Love, love, love!
6 month update
Here I am! A little over the 6 month mark! Wow! I never thought I could make it this long!
So I guess I'll start with a little physical progress update. Since I started using the Cyclic soap in addition to everything else, the gigantic eruptions have largely stopped. I did find that the Cyclic was over drying and that because of that it was causing smaller breakouts, almost like a rash, on areas that had been previously clear. So I have cut back to once a day in the evenings. And may even go to every other evening, using the Desert Essence soap on the off nights. I still have areas of larger pimples, but absolutely nothing like it was. There was a point about a month and a half ago where I was beginning to wonder if I would ever actually see the shape of my jawline again. I kid you not, the whole back half of my jaw and down on to my neck was a huge HUGE sprawling mass of swollen lumps, purple, bruised... my face looked completely different... like Elephant Man on the bottom. It was excruciatingly painful as well! Laying my head down on a pillow was miserable! It itched constantly and throbbed and pulsated! It was awful!
Now that the swelling and pain has subsided, I am left with deep dark purple marks where the eruption was... I am trusting that these will fade in time.
I guess I'll say now, that I am committed to this natural healing process for 1 year. So I stopped picking March 16th 2008 and I am committed to letting my body heal itself for one year. During that time I am addressing the root cause that got me picking at my skin to begin with.
But I'm also going to say here that I encourage anyone out there going through this to seek help, any help they can get! A therapist or a spiritual advisor most importantly, and possibly an aesthetician or dermatologist! Really and truly! Something in me wants to see this through on my own, but I also see that when I was in my picking mode I really really needed help! And I see that the sooner I had gotten help, the better off I would have been! (I recognize this sentence to be completely gramatically incorrect, but for the life of me I have no clue how to fix it. :) Suggestions welcome.)
I have had some inspiration come in recently that shows me that complete healing of the skin is 100% possible. My friend who had been seeing the aesthetician and I recently got together for a day. I hadn't seen her in about a year and the last time I did see her, she had eruptions and scarring over most of her face. After a year of going to this aesthetician her skin is 100% clear, scar free, bright, radiant, and glowing! And she looks FREE!
So what that shows me is that a cure exists in the physical world. And so it also exists within me. And it is from this place of knowing that I am launching into the next phase of work on healing. Deep deep spiritual work. And for that we're gonna need a separate blog! Follow me to the next chapter, won't you! :)
Sending you love and peace wherever you are on your journey!
So I guess I'll start with a little physical progress update. Since I started using the Cyclic soap in addition to everything else, the gigantic eruptions have largely stopped. I did find that the Cyclic was over drying and that because of that it was causing smaller breakouts, almost like a rash, on areas that had been previously clear. So I have cut back to once a day in the evenings. And may even go to every other evening, using the Desert Essence soap on the off nights. I still have areas of larger pimples, but absolutely nothing like it was. There was a point about a month and a half ago where I was beginning to wonder if I would ever actually see the shape of my jawline again. I kid you not, the whole back half of my jaw and down on to my neck was a huge HUGE sprawling mass of swollen lumps, purple, bruised... my face looked completely different... like Elephant Man on the bottom. It was excruciatingly painful as well! Laying my head down on a pillow was miserable! It itched constantly and throbbed and pulsated! It was awful!
Now that the swelling and pain has subsided, I am left with deep dark purple marks where the eruption was... I am trusting that these will fade in time.
I guess I'll say now, that I am committed to this natural healing process for 1 year. So I stopped picking March 16th 2008 and I am committed to letting my body heal itself for one year. During that time I am addressing the root cause that got me picking at my skin to begin with.
But I'm also going to say here that I encourage anyone out there going through this to seek help, any help they can get! A therapist or a spiritual advisor most importantly, and possibly an aesthetician or dermatologist! Really and truly! Something in me wants to see this through on my own, but I also see that when I was in my picking mode I really really needed help! And I see that the sooner I had gotten help, the better off I would have been! (I recognize this sentence to be completely gramatically incorrect, but for the life of me I have no clue how to fix it. :) Suggestions welcome.)
I have had some inspiration come in recently that shows me that complete healing of the skin is 100% possible. My friend who had been seeing the aesthetician and I recently got together for a day. I hadn't seen her in about a year and the last time I did see her, she had eruptions and scarring over most of her face. After a year of going to this aesthetician her skin is 100% clear, scar free, bright, radiant, and glowing! And she looks FREE!
So what that shows me is that a cure exists in the physical world. And so it also exists within me. And it is from this place of knowing that I am launching into the next phase of work on healing. Deep deep spiritual work. And for that we're gonna need a separate blog! Follow me to the next chapter, won't you! :)
Sending you love and peace wherever you are on your journey!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Cyclic Soap!
Oh and by the way, the soap I mention in the big long update blog is helping! A lot! It's called Cyclic. I buy the Silver kind and am using it twice a day until I get through the worst of these big eruptions, then I'll go back to once a day. I'm still doing most of the things in the action plan as well.
It was recommended to me by a woman working at a local beauty supply store, but they also sell it online at www.nanocyclic.com . You can get a small bar for $10 that will last a month. So it's not too crazy expensive to give it a shot.
Some important things to know while using it:
1. It's super fragile, so you need to keep it away from moisture and heat.
2. When you're using it, wet your hands and face first, then rub the soap to get a little lather, just a few seconds and then put the soap down and lather your hands more. If you wet the bar itself, it dissolves really quickly and won't last as long.
3. Pat it gently on your face. Don't scrub.
4. Don't use any harsh abrasives, exfoliaters while you're using it! It gently sloughs the skin off, so just rub it with your fingers as you rinse.
5. Aloe tone and moisturize afterwards!
And as with all products, I always remind myself, recognize that the picking is a deeper issue than just the physical one. Use them to help the healing process, but the bigger work is a deep dive inward!
Wishing you love and success on your journey!
It was recommended to me by a woman working at a local beauty supply store, but they also sell it online at www.nanocyclic.com . You can get a small bar for $10 that will last a month. So it's not too crazy expensive to give it a shot.
Some important things to know while using it:
1. It's super fragile, so you need to keep it away from moisture and heat.
2. When you're using it, wet your hands and face first, then rub the soap to get a little lather, just a few seconds and then put the soap down and lather your hands more. If you wet the bar itself, it dissolves really quickly and won't last as long.
3. Pat it gently on your face. Don't scrub.
4. Don't use any harsh abrasives, exfoliaters while you're using it! It gently sloughs the skin off, so just rub it with your fingers as you rinse.
5. Aloe tone and moisturize afterwards!
And as with all products, I always remind myself, recognize that the picking is a deeper issue than just the physical one. Use them to help the healing process, but the bigger work is a deep dive inward!
Wishing you love and success on your journey!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Fifth month and oooo are we getting into deep life work!
Thank you to the poster of the recent anonymous comment asking for a progress report! It does help me to know that people out there are reading this and may be going through the same thing or have been through it. Encourages me to keep sharing!
Okay! So here we are 5 and a half months into the healing! I'm happy to report that I am still not picking! So that's positive! At least there's that!
This month has been a bumpy one! I now, more than ever before, believe that I am going through this process for a reason.... that the illness has brought more of myself into the open and that the healing process being such a difficult one is purposeful. I have this image in my mind of walking along blindly and all of the sudden like a swarm of tse tse flies have surrounded me... I call it "the shitcloud of karma". But I also see now that the shitcloud was always behind me tracking me, it was the shitcloud of undealt-with-life and it was bound to catch up with me one way or another. In fact, I am actually relieved that the only damage I've managed to do to myself is the picking... the shit I'm confronting really shows me that many other vices could have entered into my life and some of them could have lead me down some really ugly and maybe even deadly roads.
I watched an episode of "Intervention" on A & E about this dear sweet girl named Allison who was huffing dust cleaner. The whole episode I just felt my heart aching watching her self-implode and battling all the people around her who were trying to help. There was a scene where her mom was in her apartment begging Allison not to inhale while she was there, and Allison got this look in her eyes and stared right at her as she brought the canister up to her mouth and "Hoooooooo" sucked in a giant gulp. "Fuck you Mom!" was the non verbal communication. I can remember many moments where that exact scenario happened to me in my addiction to picking. My mom begging me to stop or drawing my awareness to what I was doing and I would get this vicious look in my eyes and wrench my nails deep into my skin, deeper than ever before, ripping a piece of my flesh! Blood dripping, "Fuck you Mom, Fuck you!" I never knew why I did that... but this last month has brought a lot more clarity to a lifetime of pain and hurt.
A lot of my life right now is about living the questions. I don't have the answers so I just live the truth of the question itself. One question has been "Why did I do this to myself?" I just keep asking "Why did I do this to myself?" And slowly the answers bubble up when I least expect them.
Out of the blue, the answers get triggered.. it's like something sparks the answer and it shoots straight into clarity... from unawareness to consciousness... Bam!
I had had a pretty good day, I was feeling pretty balanced and someone had recommended a soap for me to try and I was feeling optimistic about it. I was owning my journey through this process and I was patient about how long it was taking.
Then suddenly, my mom comes into my room and she's asking me how my day is and then horror of horror, she's gasping! "Oh my God! Are you getting huge pock marks over here? Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!" And before I know it, I'm shrieking at her, screaming, yelling, raging at her, "This is your fault! My skin is your fault! This whole fucking thing is your fucking fault! I didn't do this to myself! You did this to me! You and everyone else in my life who could not see and love me! Get out of my room! I'm 28 years old! This is my skin! I'm handling it now! Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck out of my room!!!!!!!!!!!" She's standing there bewildered and I'm literally trembling from head to toe. Vibrating energy! "Get out, right the fuck now!" She backs out carefully and the light clicks on in my mind! Ding!
I realized that all my life I've created an illusion of perfection that I've shown to the world. And now that the damage to my skin is out on my face, right out there visible to the world, I can no longer hide what's going on inside.
When I was a kid, I had perfect grades, a delightful, happy disposition, bright, communicative, expressive. My teachers thought I had an ideal life and that all was well. Secretly deep within me I was carrying this feeling of great shame, disgust and unease about my life. I knew that something was not right at home and that I was not like other kids. The truth is that there were family secrets lurking in the shadows of my seemingly bright "living room".
When my parents met and began a family they were very unconscious individuals living in a dream world of denial. They had had horrific childhoods, my mother a victim of the worst violence, incest and domestic abuse, and my father raised in a sanitarium while his mother battled and eventually healed from tuberculosis, then raised in alcoholism, poverty and a mentally dysfunctional series of homes. They met and sought to find a way to mend their two shards of broken souls into a happy home with love and life; and to give their children what they never had. But unaware of how they were truly suffering it was inevitable that their past would creep in on our future.
From the curb, our house was charming, well maintained and seemingly like every house on the block. My dad mowed the lawn or plowed the snow with a smile on his face, the aspen trees blew in the breeze, the Christmas lights went up every year after Thanksgiving and came down with a whistle in January. Perfection puffed with the smoke out of our chimney.
But inside was a different story completely. My mom was frequently totally disassociated, a walking zombie. I'd try to engage her in a story about my day or just get her to react in any way, but it was like looking at snow on a TV screen, her eyes glassed over and her mind far, far away. Other times she would fly into fits of rage, screaming and throwing things. As we got older, and she went back to work, work became her addiction. I was left at an art class and had to have my teacher drive me to my mom's office and left at a gymnastics class and tortured by my coach for her lateness. I found out years later that she was sitting in a bar getting drunk when she realized that she was supposed to be picking me up. She was always on the road for her job and when she was home, we only saw her for a few hours in the evening, during most of which she was zoned out and thinking about work.
My dad also had his moments of fury,unleashed on us at unexpected times. He had huge trust issues with women, little did I know, and as his daughter, I was often an outlet for his misogyny. He'd scream at me if I spilled my milk at dinner "Jesus, Butterfly!" He'd spank me if he had to tell me more than once to go take a shower. And heaven forbid I should ever, ever be caught in a lie! This would anger him more than anything! He once spanked me ruthlessly in front of the neighborhood kids when I was four, for sneaking out in a brand new pair of shoes that I was not supposed to wear until school. And he suspected lies even when I was telling the truth, claiming to smell a cookie I hadn't eaten on my breath.
The roles of mother and father were resented terribly by my parents and therefore a lot of our basic needs as children were not met. I made my own lunch for school every morning and was expected to do my own laundry from the age of 7 on. Responsibility for getting to school on time, grooming, dressing, etc... was all on me... no nurturing guiding hand helping me to get through the early formative years of my life. My mom hated cleaning, my father wouldn't clean and they never hired anyone to do it for them so our house was almost always filthy. For years we had no furniture in our living room, because my mom couldn't make a decision about what to buy. The linoleum in the kitchen tore up, the backyard was a pile of weeds, it was like living in a perfectly constructed shack.
But again the image of perfection prevailed. We had hand sewn Halloween costumes, and Dad teaching our dog to do tricks at the school pet fair, we had vacations to California and photos from Disneyland, we had weekend trips to the woods to cut firewood and family outings for burgers or pizza. We had Easter egg hunts and ate home made ice cream while watching the 4th of July fireworks. And in those moments we were at peace, we loved each other and we were able to go on living from day to day. And I think deep down my brother and I loved my parents so deeply that all wrongs could be overcome by cuddling up with them on the couch in the evening for an hour of TV. We somehow knew that we were there to love them unconditionally as they had never been loved.
In the end, my mom ended up getting herself into recovery and therapy and suddenly a whole new layer peeled off our perfect onion life. Suddenly I wasn't allowed to see my grandparents anymore and furthermore, I was scared of seeing them. I ended up in the counselor's office in school crying because of the horrors my mom had uncovered in therapy about her childhood. My dad tried to get into therapy and used 12 Step long enough to meet another woman and walk out on my mom and me after my brother moved out. I then spiraled downward, my grades plummeted, my mom attended weekly disciplinary meetings at my school, I started hanging out with the wrong kids and experimenting with drugs. My girlfriends and I sneaked out of the house to meet up with much older boys. We'd drive out to the middle of the woods and make out until dawn and then sneak back home and pancake make-up the hickeys on our necks. I found out later that one of those girlfriends had been raped on one of these outings and I look back now and am so grateful that that or worse didn't happen to me. Luckily my mom and the moms of the other girls found out about our sneaking out and intervened rather forcefully on our behalves. My mom, thank god, had really learned a lot in all her therapy about herself that she could really step up and do what I needed at that point. She set really strict boundaries on who I could spend time with and got me on a program with my teachers to get my school work up to snuff.
Then in my Freshman year of high school, the theatre program found me, and my life changed forever. And I was back to sculpting my image of perfection. For the next 11 years, I lived blissfully forgetful of my childhood ills and felt I had left them behind for good. That was until
a little nudge from a jealous friend sent me spiraling downwards into it again. Spiraling in to the mucky muck of my past to reclaim the wholeness of myself, the completeness of Butterfly and to move on from here more truthful about who I am and where I've been!
I'll leave this very long blog on a positive note.
In this month of owning the terrors of my life, I also had a glowing, glimmering, silvery moment of God truth that has given me more of a sense of peace than anything has in a very long time. I was in the car, driving to the dentist's office, and the light of the sun was shining through the trees, speckling them across my windshield. It was warm and the flowers were fragrant in bright purple and pink patches alongside the road. I was suddenly swept up in the beauty of my surroundings and I caught myself thinking, "My God! I am so blessed to live where I live! I have always lived in beauty! I have always had what I needed! I have received more gifts than most people I know! God has been so good to me!" and then I thought "Why couldn't I see how good I had it? Why did I have to hurt myself? Why did I have to turn my beauty into ugliness? How ungrateful of me to turn on myself when the bounty of life has been so rich! I'm so sad that I couldn't honor what God had done for me by honoring myself. Why did I do this?" And then, it's hard to describe, but I felt this warm sensation surround me, especially centered in my heart, and like the way people describe their life flashing before their eyes, I had this flash of visions from my past, kids taunting me on the playground, afternoons as a kid alone in my house, my brother telling me how ugly I looked with makeup on, my dad, my mom, a little mini movie of my life pains, and then this voice in my head, "Butterfly, my love, I have been with you for all of your life! I have seen all that you have lived! I have seen your suffering and I have seen your spirit! I have seen your punishment and I have seen your love! I have seen all of you! I know why you did this and I forgive you! I am here with you always and I see the work you are doing! All is well!"
So to all of you out there... All is well! I love you and I forgive you! I forgive myself! God forgives us! May love and happiness find us all and may we find the peace that we are seeking! Here's to holding our complete and whole selves out for the world to see! Love and gratitude to my fellow travelers!!
Okay! So here we are 5 and a half months into the healing! I'm happy to report that I am still not picking! So that's positive! At least there's that!
This month has been a bumpy one! I now, more than ever before, believe that I am going through this process for a reason.... that the illness has brought more of myself into the open and that the healing process being such a difficult one is purposeful. I have this image in my mind of walking along blindly and all of the sudden like a swarm of tse tse flies have surrounded me... I call it "the shitcloud of karma". But I also see now that the shitcloud was always behind me tracking me, it was the shitcloud of undealt-with-life and it was bound to catch up with me one way or another. In fact, I am actually relieved that the only damage I've managed to do to myself is the picking... the shit I'm confronting really shows me that many other vices could have entered into my life and some of them could have lead me down some really ugly and maybe even deadly roads.
I watched an episode of "Intervention" on A & E about this dear sweet girl named Allison who was huffing dust cleaner. The whole episode I just felt my heart aching watching her self-implode and battling all the people around her who were trying to help. There was a scene where her mom was in her apartment begging Allison not to inhale while she was there, and Allison got this look in her eyes and stared right at her as she brought the canister up to her mouth and "Hoooooooo" sucked in a giant gulp. "Fuck you Mom!" was the non verbal communication. I can remember many moments where that exact scenario happened to me in my addiction to picking. My mom begging me to stop or drawing my awareness to what I was doing and I would get this vicious look in my eyes and wrench my nails deep into my skin, deeper than ever before, ripping a piece of my flesh! Blood dripping, "Fuck you Mom, Fuck you!" I never knew why I did that... but this last month has brought a lot more clarity to a lifetime of pain and hurt.
A lot of my life right now is about living the questions. I don't have the answers so I just live the truth of the question itself. One question has been "Why did I do this to myself?" I just keep asking "Why did I do this to myself?" And slowly the answers bubble up when I least expect them.
Out of the blue, the answers get triggered.. it's like something sparks the answer and it shoots straight into clarity... from unawareness to consciousness... Bam!
I had had a pretty good day, I was feeling pretty balanced and someone had recommended a soap for me to try and I was feeling optimistic about it. I was owning my journey through this process and I was patient about how long it was taking.
Then suddenly, my mom comes into my room and she's asking me how my day is and then horror of horror, she's gasping! "Oh my God! Are you getting huge pock marks over here? Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!" And before I know it, I'm shrieking at her, screaming, yelling, raging at her, "This is your fault! My skin is your fault! This whole fucking thing is your fucking fault! I didn't do this to myself! You did this to me! You and everyone else in my life who could not see and love me! Get out of my room! I'm 28 years old! This is my skin! I'm handling it now! Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck out of my room!!!!!!!!!!!" She's standing there bewildered and I'm literally trembling from head to toe. Vibrating energy! "Get out, right the fuck now!" She backs out carefully and the light clicks on in my mind! Ding!
I realized that all my life I've created an illusion of perfection that I've shown to the world. And now that the damage to my skin is out on my face, right out there visible to the world, I can no longer hide what's going on inside.
When I was a kid, I had perfect grades, a delightful, happy disposition, bright, communicative, expressive. My teachers thought I had an ideal life and that all was well. Secretly deep within me I was carrying this feeling of great shame, disgust and unease about my life. I knew that something was not right at home and that I was not like other kids. The truth is that there were family secrets lurking in the shadows of my seemingly bright "living room".
When my parents met and began a family they were very unconscious individuals living in a dream world of denial. They had had horrific childhoods, my mother a victim of the worst violence, incest and domestic abuse, and my father raised in a sanitarium while his mother battled and eventually healed from tuberculosis, then raised in alcoholism, poverty and a mentally dysfunctional series of homes. They met and sought to find a way to mend their two shards of broken souls into a happy home with love and life; and to give their children what they never had. But unaware of how they were truly suffering it was inevitable that their past would creep in on our future.
From the curb, our house was charming, well maintained and seemingly like every house on the block. My dad mowed the lawn or plowed the snow with a smile on his face, the aspen trees blew in the breeze, the Christmas lights went up every year after Thanksgiving and came down with a whistle in January. Perfection puffed with the smoke out of our chimney.
But inside was a different story completely. My mom was frequently totally disassociated, a walking zombie. I'd try to engage her in a story about my day or just get her to react in any way, but it was like looking at snow on a TV screen, her eyes glassed over and her mind far, far away. Other times she would fly into fits of rage, screaming and throwing things. As we got older, and she went back to work, work became her addiction. I was left at an art class and had to have my teacher drive me to my mom's office and left at a gymnastics class and tortured by my coach for her lateness. I found out years later that she was sitting in a bar getting drunk when she realized that she was supposed to be picking me up. She was always on the road for her job and when she was home, we only saw her for a few hours in the evening, during most of which she was zoned out and thinking about work.
My dad also had his moments of fury,unleashed on us at unexpected times. He had huge trust issues with women, little did I know, and as his daughter, I was often an outlet for his misogyny. He'd scream at me if I spilled my milk at dinner "Jesus, Butterfly!" He'd spank me if he had to tell me more than once to go take a shower. And heaven forbid I should ever, ever be caught in a lie! This would anger him more than anything! He once spanked me ruthlessly in front of the neighborhood kids when I was four, for sneaking out in a brand new pair of shoes that I was not supposed to wear until school. And he suspected lies even when I was telling the truth, claiming to smell a cookie I hadn't eaten on my breath.
The roles of mother and father were resented terribly by my parents and therefore a lot of our basic needs as children were not met. I made my own lunch for school every morning and was expected to do my own laundry from the age of 7 on. Responsibility for getting to school on time, grooming, dressing, etc... was all on me... no nurturing guiding hand helping me to get through the early formative years of my life. My mom hated cleaning, my father wouldn't clean and they never hired anyone to do it for them so our house was almost always filthy. For years we had no furniture in our living room, because my mom couldn't make a decision about what to buy. The linoleum in the kitchen tore up, the backyard was a pile of weeds, it was like living in a perfectly constructed shack.
But again the image of perfection prevailed. We had hand sewn Halloween costumes, and Dad teaching our dog to do tricks at the school pet fair, we had vacations to California and photos from Disneyland, we had weekend trips to the woods to cut firewood and family outings for burgers or pizza. We had Easter egg hunts and ate home made ice cream while watching the 4th of July fireworks. And in those moments we were at peace, we loved each other and we were able to go on living from day to day. And I think deep down my brother and I loved my parents so deeply that all wrongs could be overcome by cuddling up with them on the couch in the evening for an hour of TV. We somehow knew that we were there to love them unconditionally as they had never been loved.
In the end, my mom ended up getting herself into recovery and therapy and suddenly a whole new layer peeled off our perfect onion life. Suddenly I wasn't allowed to see my grandparents anymore and furthermore, I was scared of seeing them. I ended up in the counselor's office in school crying because of the horrors my mom had uncovered in therapy about her childhood. My dad tried to get into therapy and used 12 Step long enough to meet another woman and walk out on my mom and me after my brother moved out. I then spiraled downward, my grades plummeted, my mom attended weekly disciplinary meetings at my school, I started hanging out with the wrong kids and experimenting with drugs. My girlfriends and I sneaked out of the house to meet up with much older boys. We'd drive out to the middle of the woods and make out until dawn and then sneak back home and pancake make-up the hickeys on our necks. I found out later that one of those girlfriends had been raped on one of these outings and I look back now and am so grateful that that or worse didn't happen to me. Luckily my mom and the moms of the other girls found out about our sneaking out and intervened rather forcefully on our behalves. My mom, thank god, had really learned a lot in all her therapy about herself that she could really step up and do what I needed at that point. She set really strict boundaries on who I could spend time with and got me on a program with my teachers to get my school work up to snuff.
Then in my Freshman year of high school, the theatre program found me, and my life changed forever. And I was back to sculpting my image of perfection. For the next 11 years, I lived blissfully forgetful of my childhood ills and felt I had left them behind for good. That was until
a little nudge from a jealous friend sent me spiraling downwards into it again. Spiraling in to the mucky muck of my past to reclaim the wholeness of myself, the completeness of Butterfly and to move on from here more truthful about who I am and where I've been!
I'll leave this very long blog on a positive note.
In this month of owning the terrors of my life, I also had a glowing, glimmering, silvery moment of God truth that has given me more of a sense of peace than anything has in a very long time. I was in the car, driving to the dentist's office, and the light of the sun was shining through the trees, speckling them across my windshield. It was warm and the flowers were fragrant in bright purple and pink patches alongside the road. I was suddenly swept up in the beauty of my surroundings and I caught myself thinking, "My God! I am so blessed to live where I live! I have always lived in beauty! I have always had what I needed! I have received more gifts than most people I know! God has been so good to me!" and then I thought "Why couldn't I see how good I had it? Why did I have to hurt myself? Why did I have to turn my beauty into ugliness? How ungrateful of me to turn on myself when the bounty of life has been so rich! I'm so sad that I couldn't honor what God had done for me by honoring myself. Why did I do this?" And then, it's hard to describe, but I felt this warm sensation surround me, especially centered in my heart, and like the way people describe their life flashing before their eyes, I had this flash of visions from my past, kids taunting me on the playground, afternoons as a kid alone in my house, my brother telling me how ugly I looked with makeup on, my dad, my mom, a little mini movie of my life pains, and then this voice in my head, "Butterfly, my love, I have been with you for all of your life! I have seen all that you have lived! I have seen your suffering and I have seen your spirit! I have seen your punishment and I have seen your love! I have seen all of you! I know why you did this and I forgive you! I am here with you always and I see the work you are doing! All is well!"
So to all of you out there... All is well! I love you and I forgive you! I forgive myself! God forgives us! May love and happiness find us all and may we find the peace that we are seeking! Here's to holding our complete and whole selves out for the world to see! Love and gratitude to my fellow travelers!!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
4 and a half months in and my patience is waning!
So yesterday I basically hit rock bottom on my patience. Instant replay: I'm standing there looking around me for the nearest bottle of Acme Acid Face Remover to grab, apply and say goodbye to Butterfly's face for good. Sure I'd be permanently disfigured, and of course it'd be excruciatingly painful, but surely... no wait... maybe not... okay, I'm breathing again, I've squeezed out some tears, I've grunted, I've shrieked and here I am again. And now it's easy to see that that was not an option... and neither is picking... so back to wrestling back my screaming will and ego and finding an ounce of patience left deep inside some internal well and take my next breath and keep going.
And of course come here to share this experience!
So here we are folks, week, what is it now, one million?... okay not really... only feels that way. No, we are in fact, 4 months and 2 weeks into this process and every day has been a struggle, albeit, some more challenging than others. More importantly, every day has been a lesson in waking up with no expectations about how my life and my healing should be progressing, but rather, allowing what is and doing my best to make it through the day without harming myself.
There have been, in the last months, several difficult moments that required great strength and courage to get through. One of the most difficult things I find, is since I've cocooned myself from the world, no one who knew me before I started this healing process, has seen what's been going on behind my closed walls. Suddenly, I'm out and about being social and all they see is the Butterfly they once knew to have some rough patches of skin, now suddenly in front of them with huge giant sprawling masses and clusters of red, swollen, lumpy, scaley, blisters and they freak! Some of them try to conceal it, or avoid looking me directly in the eyes... others express their concern.
I offer one particular moment from about 2 weeks ago as an example: I've just come out of yoga, so I'm particularly red faced and sweaty, and also free of make-up, because after a 90 minute pep talk to myself in front of the mirror at home, I've decided it's better to let my skin and pores open in the steam and sweat of the yoga room free from any make up to clog it up. One of the guys who works in the yoga studio and has known me for years, but has not seen me since this process began, says, "Honey, what's going on with your skin?" So I'm standing on the street holding my yoga mat and a bottle of water and I just start bawling uncontrollably. I just kind of melt into him and surrender my weight and sob for what seems like an hour. I finally manage to pull myself together and describe what I've been healing from... and the amazing thing is, he said "Oh yeah, my sister went through that. One day you'll look back and think, 'Wow what was that all about?'" Then he recommended me to a chiropractor/energy healer who he thinks can help me. I haven't followed through on it... not because I'm not interested, but because I'm working this through and seeing where it goes.
I also had a friend in town from out of the country and a rare opportunity to spend time with her, which forced me to come out of my little shell and be social. Luckily she is incredibly supportive and compassionate and said things like "I think you look beautiful." that made it actually enjoyable to be out of my one track world for a while. And the cloud of doom seemed to lift a little and let the sun peak through and show me the world that waits for me on the other side of this time.
And now, here I am, back in my cocoon. Perhaps the walls in here have shrunk a bit, or I got bigger on my journey out, but I'm starting to feel a lot more claustrophobic and impatient than ever before.
Unfortunately my skin is not ready for me to come out yet. I thought when I started this process that I would stop picking and then lickety split, snap my fingers and tap the magic hat with the wand, I'd reemerge into the world within 3 months wholly healed and radiantly beautiful. Not so! In fact, here I am approaching month 5 and sections of my face look as bad or worse than they ever have before. But the silver lining remains, that other sections have made it through similar times of never ending break outs and are now shining, clear, ivory colored and luminescent. Areas I thought would never clear and heal look better than they did 4 years ago before I started picking or maybe even better than they ever did in my life. So the only thing I can do is continue to leave it alone, continue my action plan, and just wait and see what happens.
But I thought it important to note here in month 4 that life still ain't a bed of roses. But I am looking forward a day when it is, and you can bet I'll be here to share that too!
To anyone out there on this path, I wish you love, courage and patience! Love yourself, be good to yourself and be good to others! This too shall pass!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Letting Go! Surrendering my will!!!!!!!!!
In reading Anatomy of the Spirit and looking at the energy fields of the body, I noticed that the primary location where my skin continues to erupt in painful and horribly unattractive batches is in the area of my 5th Chakra. This section of the body's energy field relates to surrendering personal will to divine will.
In realizing this I see that I have been so actively focused in my healing process, so hands-on, but it has been from a very analytical point of view, using my rational knowledge of the world, healing and my body. It has also been very time driven, a constant focus on how long this is taking and a focus to the future of a life without this illness. And my body consciousness, meaning my focus on my physical body, is completely out of balance with the whole and complete essence of my entire being.
My biggest challenge in this process is to turn over my will to God. To surrender to this process. To lay down any personal hopes that I have in this and let what will be, be.
So starting yesterday, I have covered my mirrors in my house with cloths and posted a note reminding myself "Thy will, not mine, be done." And repeating a dialogue/prayer in my thoughts "This healing is Your healing. This suffering is Your suffering. I heal as You intend me to heal. I endure as You intend me to endure." A constant surrender to whatever is out there. Laying down my WILL. Accepting this moment as it is and not as I wish it to be.
Already, in just one day, changing the pattern of constantly looking at every minute detail of my skin, every pore, every eruption, every scar, every patch of clear skin, has profoundly reduced my anxiety. It has also freed all of that energy and TIME I was spending in front a mirror for me to use in developing other areas of my life. It feels like one of the best things I've done for myself!
I'll report the results as they appear!
In realizing this I see that I have been so actively focused in my healing process, so hands-on, but it has been from a very analytical point of view, using my rational knowledge of the world, healing and my body. It has also been very time driven, a constant focus on how long this is taking and a focus to the future of a life without this illness. And my body consciousness, meaning my focus on my physical body, is completely out of balance with the whole and complete essence of my entire being.
My biggest challenge in this process is to turn over my will to God. To surrender to this process. To lay down any personal hopes that I have in this and let what will be, be.
So starting yesterday, I have covered my mirrors in my house with cloths and posted a note reminding myself "Thy will, not mine, be done." And repeating a dialogue/prayer in my thoughts "This healing is Your healing. This suffering is Your suffering. I heal as You intend me to heal. I endure as You intend me to endure." A constant surrender to whatever is out there. Laying down my WILL. Accepting this moment as it is and not as I wish it to be.
Already, in just one day, changing the pattern of constantly looking at every minute detail of my skin, every pore, every eruption, every scar, every patch of clear skin, has profoundly reduced my anxiety. It has also freed all of that energy and TIME I was spending in front a mirror for me to use in developing other areas of my life. It feels like one of the best things I've done for myself!
I'll report the results as they appear!
Reference Books
A lot of the courage and mental and spiritual strength I have found in this healing process has come from the literature I have been reading so I thought I would share the books here. Maybe they'll help anyone who's looking for inspiration and strength in this journey.
1. Legacy of Luna by Julia Butterfly Hill (Courageous young woman who surrendered to God's will and sat in a Redwood tree for 2 years protesting clear cutting. A journey back to nature and to trusting a power higher than oneself. And a huge testament to the power of patience!)
2. Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda (I'm not sure a more compassionate, loving or inspirational spiritual story exists. Life changing book.)
3. When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd (A book about transformation, growth, change and the power of waiting for a path to be revealed, trust and faith.)
4. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss (A book about the body's energy system and healing process from a spiritual perspective. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. )
5. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay (A book about the bigger picture of illness and suffering. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. Filled with positive affirmations.)
6. The Body has a Mind of Its Own by Sandra Blakeslee and Matthew Blakeslee (A study of the body maps of the brain and how the mind-body connection can change and improve our lives. Asks and identifies scientific reasoning to questions like "Why do we still feel fat after losing weight? Provides a look at causes of anorexia, bulimia, obsessive plastic surgery, etc...)
7. Diary of a Woman's Search by Radha (A story of a Canadian woman who lives with her spiritual teacher, guru, in India for a year and the transformation of her spirituality. An easy read for Western audience journeying to surrender to a different way of being.)
8. Magical Mind Magical Body by Deepak Chopra (I listened to this on cassettes that a friend lent me, but there may be a book version. Deepak filled with love and compassion. He gives you information about overcoming addiction and practical information about the body's natural regeneration process. Useful techniques in both changing the thinking process associated with healing and also physical practices to help your body heal. A wonderful blend of science, spirituality, and medicine.)
9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel (Lovely fiction about patience, love, acceptance of one's life circumstances and spiritual journey.)
1. Legacy of Luna by Julia Butterfly Hill (Courageous young woman who surrendered to God's will and sat in a Redwood tree for 2 years protesting clear cutting. A journey back to nature and to trusting a power higher than oneself. And a huge testament to the power of patience!)
2. Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda (I'm not sure a more compassionate, loving or inspirational spiritual story exists. Life changing book.)
3. When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd (A book about transformation, growth, change and the power of waiting for a path to be revealed, trust and faith.)
4. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss (A book about the body's energy system and healing process from a spiritual perspective. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. )
5. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay (A book about the bigger picture of illness and suffering. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. Filled with positive affirmations.)
6. The Body has a Mind of Its Own by Sandra Blakeslee and Matthew Blakeslee (A study of the body maps of the brain and how the mind-body connection can change and improve our lives. Asks and identifies scientific reasoning to questions like "Why do we still feel fat after losing weight? Provides a look at causes of anorexia, bulimia, obsessive plastic surgery, etc...)
7. Diary of a Woman's Search by Radha (A story of a Canadian woman who lives with her spiritual teacher, guru, in India for a year and the transformation of her spirituality. An easy read for Western audience journeying to surrender to a different way of being.)
8. Magical Mind Magical Body by Deepak Chopra (I listened to this on cassettes that a friend lent me, but there may be a book version. Deepak filled with love and compassion. He gives you information about overcoming addiction and practical information about the body's natural regeneration process. Useful techniques in both changing the thinking process associated with healing and also physical practices to help your body heal. A wonderful blend of science, spirituality, and medicine.)
9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel (Lovely fiction about patience, love, acceptance of one's life circumstances and spiritual journey.)
Monday, June 16, 2008
3 months clean today!!!!
If I was in AA, I'd get my 3 month clean coin today and walking up to collect it in a meeting with others struggling on the path to sobriety would feel like a celebration and victory over my disease. But I'm not in AA, I'm at home allowing this healing process and am my own silent witness to my celebration!
3 Months have passed since I began this journey and every single day has been a lesson in patience and strength. There were days that I like to call my "burka days" where I was thinking of not leaving the house without a full covering separating my healing, fragile skin from the harsh reality of the outside world. There were social obligations to be met and facing groups of people while my skin was in full expulsion mode was like stepping into hell's fiery embrace. Every minute required courage and faith and constant vigilance on my part to insure that no stressful situation caused me to go back on all the work I had achieved and my promise to myself that I will not pick no matter what.
As recently as one week ago, my skin was a mine field of swollen, puffy, red and purple mounds and rough patchy blackheads and my hope that I was nearing the end of the worst was crushed. But I can honestly say, that making it through that week and finding a love of baking soda masks (more description at the bottom of my action plan blog) has helped to propel me to the other side. I feel today like I'm turning a new leaf, like I've made it up the side of a horrendously steep mountain and I'm seeing the view of my final destination for the first time... I know the climb down is going to be treacherous and difficult as well, but seeing the other side of the mountain and the gorgeous valley below gives me new legs and after resting and enjoying the fruits of my effort, I'll be ready to continue on my way.
As for the habit pattern itself, I have to say that although the urge to pick can creep in unconsciously when my mind is tired or I'm trapped in feelings of inadequacy, it is a distant thought and a more prevailing wisdom in me will not allow it to take over my being. And having made it this far on the path, I do not want to have to go through this expulsion process ever again! An inner state of balance in me knows that I can not go back... only forward from here.
And the result is that my skin is healing! Truly, truly healing. I am not going to lie and say that it is all flowers and candy and kittens and my skin is flawless.... it isn't. But I do feel that I have made it to the downward climb.... I feel like the eruptions will be less frequent, less dense and less time in healing from now on. I feel like I've finally found a routine that works and the breakouts have gotten to a point of being tolerable. The purple scarring is almost all faded and the major cystic breakouts are so minimal... right now they are confined to an area of my neck where there were previous dark purple scars. The overall texture is smooth and bright especially on my forehead which has been clear for the longest period of time. My nose and the skin under my eyes and upper cheeks is the clearest it's been in 4 years and bright and glowing. My upper rear cheeks still continue to have minor eruptions and are right now covered in patches of little black heads and hard pores that are softening and releasing daily with my baking soda masks and evening steams. The skin around my mouth which was the worst area of my picking continues to erupt and push stuff out... this area has required the greatest amount of patience and love, and I am now seeing the first signs that it will clear completely and heal. I'm not sure how long this will take, but I feel it may be sooner rather than later.
So here I am, 3 months in, finally breathing a sigh of relief and praying that this clearing and healing continues. I can not wait to share where this journey takes me and what pot of gold lies at the end of this rainbow. I am more committed than ever and have found a great acceptance of myself in this process that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. Forever blessed, forever in the moment, forever healing in love.
3 Months have passed since I began this journey and every single day has been a lesson in patience and strength. There were days that I like to call my "burka days" where I was thinking of not leaving the house without a full covering separating my healing, fragile skin from the harsh reality of the outside world. There were social obligations to be met and facing groups of people while my skin was in full expulsion mode was like stepping into hell's fiery embrace. Every minute required courage and faith and constant vigilance on my part to insure that no stressful situation caused me to go back on all the work I had achieved and my promise to myself that I will not pick no matter what.
As recently as one week ago, my skin was a mine field of swollen, puffy, red and purple mounds and rough patchy blackheads and my hope that I was nearing the end of the worst was crushed. But I can honestly say, that making it through that week and finding a love of baking soda masks (more description at the bottom of my action plan blog) has helped to propel me to the other side. I feel today like I'm turning a new leaf, like I've made it up the side of a horrendously steep mountain and I'm seeing the view of my final destination for the first time... I know the climb down is going to be treacherous and difficult as well, but seeing the other side of the mountain and the gorgeous valley below gives me new legs and after resting and enjoying the fruits of my effort, I'll be ready to continue on my way.
As for the habit pattern itself, I have to say that although the urge to pick can creep in unconsciously when my mind is tired or I'm trapped in feelings of inadequacy, it is a distant thought and a more prevailing wisdom in me will not allow it to take over my being. And having made it this far on the path, I do not want to have to go through this expulsion process ever again! An inner state of balance in me knows that I can not go back... only forward from here.
And the result is that my skin is healing! Truly, truly healing. I am not going to lie and say that it is all flowers and candy and kittens and my skin is flawless.... it isn't. But I do feel that I have made it to the downward climb.... I feel like the eruptions will be less frequent, less dense and less time in healing from now on. I feel like I've finally found a routine that works and the breakouts have gotten to a point of being tolerable. The purple scarring is almost all faded and the major cystic breakouts are so minimal... right now they are confined to an area of my neck where there were previous dark purple scars. The overall texture is smooth and bright especially on my forehead which has been clear for the longest period of time. My nose and the skin under my eyes and upper cheeks is the clearest it's been in 4 years and bright and glowing. My upper rear cheeks still continue to have minor eruptions and are right now covered in patches of little black heads and hard pores that are softening and releasing daily with my baking soda masks and evening steams. The skin around my mouth which was the worst area of my picking continues to erupt and push stuff out... this area has required the greatest amount of patience and love, and I am now seeing the first signs that it will clear completely and heal. I'm not sure how long this will take, but I feel it may be sooner rather than later.
So here I am, 3 months in, finally breathing a sigh of relief and praying that this clearing and healing continues. I can not wait to share where this journey takes me and what pot of gold lies at the end of this rainbow. I am more committed than ever and have found a great acceptance of myself in this process that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. Forever blessed, forever in the moment, forever healing in love.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
A little more mental insight!
I just want to share a little more of my thought process.
I am closing in on my 3 month mark here and although I have not picked, I still can feel so frustrated with the process taking so long! I can feel so isolated, so alone and so unsupported by the society in which I live that places such an enormous importance on physical aesthetics!
But these feelings have brought me some tremendous insight into the human drama, my own included.
One thing I've realized on this journey is that this place, this physical plane of existance is the ONLY place I can do this work! This is an essential part of my soul's development and I don't want to carry this work forward with me from this life! Now I don't know what comes next, maybe it's another reincarnated life, maybe it's heaven or hell, maybe all that awaits me at the end of this physical journey is a decomposition in the earth's sweet soil, but what I do know is that this moment is the only time I have to do this work on this issue. Here and now, I am choosing to let this go and to heal! I believe this choice is changing my future life and more importantly I believe this work is changing my soul's work as well. Just by surrendering to this work and allowing this work to be my sole purpose, my SOUL purpose, I am allowing the natural will of the world to work itself upon me and that is such a gift!
I also am coming to realize that this may be my journey in this physical world, but it is the journey of each individual I come into contact with, as well. We are all here working this stuff out! My current karmic work is all over my face for the world to see, but when I feel ashamed or impatient looking at a friend with glowing clear skin, I have to remind myself that this friend has her own work to do as well! I can't see her work, but she has it too or she wouldn't be here!
So knowing this is my work for now, I am able to continue healing and surrendering and hopefully a year from now I can move on to even bigger soul work. I know that each day of this process is increasing my patience, my love, and my compassion towards others. And that work is a blessing and a gift!
I am closing in on my 3 month mark here and although I have not picked, I still can feel so frustrated with the process taking so long! I can feel so isolated, so alone and so unsupported by the society in which I live that places such an enormous importance on physical aesthetics!
But these feelings have brought me some tremendous insight into the human drama, my own included.
One thing I've realized on this journey is that this place, this physical plane of existance is the ONLY place I can do this work! This is an essential part of my soul's development and I don't want to carry this work forward with me from this life! Now I don't know what comes next, maybe it's another reincarnated life, maybe it's heaven or hell, maybe all that awaits me at the end of this physical journey is a decomposition in the earth's sweet soil, but what I do know is that this moment is the only time I have to do this work on this issue. Here and now, I am choosing to let this go and to heal! I believe this choice is changing my future life and more importantly I believe this work is changing my soul's work as well. Just by surrendering to this work and allowing this work to be my sole purpose, my SOUL purpose, I am allowing the natural will of the world to work itself upon me and that is such a gift!
I also am coming to realize that this may be my journey in this physical world, but it is the journey of each individual I come into contact with, as well. We are all here working this stuff out! My current karmic work is all over my face for the world to see, but when I feel ashamed or impatient looking at a friend with glowing clear skin, I have to remind myself that this friend has her own work to do as well! I can't see her work, but she has it too or she wouldn't be here!
So knowing this is my work for now, I am able to continue healing and surrendering and hopefully a year from now I can move on to even bigger soul work. I know that each day of this process is increasing my patience, my love, and my compassion towards others. And that work is a blessing and a gift!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Results! 60 days!
I am 60 days into my healing process from skin picking and I am going to try and remember all the phases I've gone through in these 2 months and relate them here. It has been an incredibly trying time and I just wish I had had someone who was on my side telling me how much better it was going to get and how long it was going to take for me to heal and let go of the habit. So I'll try and be that person to someone else out there.
First off I just want to say that one thing that has kept me going on this path is knowing that nothing in this world is permanent. "This too, shall pass!" The human body regenerates itself completely pretty much every 7 days. Your skin cells slough and regrow on a minute by minute basis and no illness, disease, ailment or habit will punish you your entire life if you believe it can change and are willing to allow it to change. I've read on a lot of websites that excoriated acne will result in PERMANENT SCARS! Oh my! I just want to say here, that I absolutely one hundred percent JUST DO NOT BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE! Your body has the capability of healing from Cancer, it will heal from a few scars that your fingernails created. I promise!
Now I'm also going to say here, that this may take a long time! How long, I'm not sure, because I am still on the path to discovering that myself, but I can honestly say that in 60 days my skin has drastically improved and that I have 100% faith that it will only continue to improve until it is ultimately completely healed!
I'll break this down as best I can remember.
Recovery Log:
1-10 days no picking: Dramatic healing of open sores, scabs and a fading of the redness around picked areas. New minor breakouts and under grounders, but overall much improved.
11-20 days no picking: Original open sores and scabs have faded to a deep purple color. In areas all around my face, huge areas of mass breakouts. By my mouth and jawline, my neck, my upper cheeks and temples. All areas were former hot spots for picking. The breakouts seem to alternate from the right side of my face to the left side and when one area seems to improve the other area seems to get worse. This is a torturous period for me. Another thing I notice in this time period is that skin that was formally indented, areas where I picked breakouts flat or to a point of deflation of the skin are now puffing up and are very three dimensional. Very large cystic type breakouts are present and my skin throbs and itches a lot. Often in areas where there is itching around under grounders, I wake in the morning to find a patch of white heads where the skin has released what was plugging it. Now on the positive side, the skin between the breakouts is much, much improved. It is white and almost luminescent. A glow is coming back all over my face to skin that was formally dull and dead looking. And the breakouts themselves are contained. It is easy to see definition to each pimple and the skin around the pimples is healthy and bright. Overall redness is much improved.
20-30 days no picking: A general draining down and out of my breakouts. My forehead is completely clear and looks like I never picked it. My temples have a few small individual spots, but is much improved. The skin around my nose and upper checks is clear of breakouts. It is as if the breakouts have moved out of the upper portion of my face and are now centrally located around my mouth and jawline and neck. An amazing thing is happening. Instead of big white heads and cystic pimples, of which I still have a few, but not as many as previously, I am noticing instead individual pores are pushing up hard black heads. I continue to not touch these and usually within about 4 days, they come up and out on their own or with very gentle rubbing with my aloe juice cotton ball. Now that the breakouts are clearing, I am starting to see the true underlying damage I've caused. There are purple colored pockets and grooves and lines in my cheeks. There are purple divots by the corners of my mouth, there is a group of about 4 icepick scars on my right cheek and another further back on the same cheek. My skin is rough in areas and large clumps of hard black heads are coming up at once. As I stretch my face open in front of the mirror I see an overall rough texture to my skin, as if underneath it a whole series of breakouts await me. But there is again an overall glow of newness, aliveness and luminescence.
30-40 days no picking: The breakouts around my jawline and mouth continue, but are much more contained. They cover a much smaller area and I am usually able to predict where they will erupt based on the texture of my underlying skin when I stretch my face (by opening my mouth and eyes wide) in the mirror. I am also now experiencing some new breakouts in my cheek areas that had previously cleared. This time however they are individual pimples, one or two or three rather than 9 or 10 at a time. The divots and dents and craters have faded in color, they are now light colored and less obvious. Depending on the way the light hits them, they can be invisible. The icepick scars are still pronounced, but seem to be shrinking in circumference and filling from underneath with new skin. I still have areas where there are dark colored purple scars that are even with my skin level. Some I have kept track of have been present since the beginning of my healing. Overall texture and brightness much improved!
40-50 days no picking: Some new breakouts on my forehead, but a completely different experience. Since they are on new healthy skin, they are far less pronounced and look like anyone else's healthy skin. My mouth and jawline are much more contained. I wish I could say they were clear, but they aren't yet. New breakouts continue to erupt, but seem to clear much quicker than before. Neck breakouts are level with my skin, but dark purple scars remain. The scarring seems to have lessened in depth and numbers on my cheeks. The deep divots by my mouth are less pronounced and there appear to be fewer of them, but the texture there remains uneven, indented and slightly purple.
50-60 days no picking: The overall texture of my skin is much brighter, smoother, and luminescent. Scars are much faded and improving. Breakouts around my mouth area continue to erupt and heal and occasional breakouts further up on cheeks. Big difference in quality of breakouts. They are mostly red and quickly go through their cycle... as opposed to the breakouts that lasted 20 days in the beginning, the cycle is now about 4 days for a breakout to go through it's whole process. The individual pimples are much smaller in size and don't leave purple scarring when they leave. I can still get incredibly frustrated with the breakouts continuing, but I find fighting it's process with my frustration only increases anxiety and delays healing. I try to continue to surrender to the process and accept each day I am given as an opportunity.
I will continue to document my healing and process! But I wanted others to know that even though I've stopped picking for 2 months, the journey to healing is a long road and I'm just on the path. I also wanted to share the symptoms of the healing process to let others know that the breakouts are to be expected and that the emotions accompanying them are normal! Hopefully 6 months in I can share that the scars are gone and that the breakouts are forever gone!!
First off I just want to say that one thing that has kept me going on this path is knowing that nothing in this world is permanent. "This too, shall pass!" The human body regenerates itself completely pretty much every 7 days. Your skin cells slough and regrow on a minute by minute basis and no illness, disease, ailment or habit will punish you your entire life if you believe it can change and are willing to allow it to change. I've read on a lot of websites that excoriated acne will result in PERMANENT SCARS! Oh my! I just want to say here, that I absolutely one hundred percent JUST DO NOT BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE! Your body has the capability of healing from Cancer, it will heal from a few scars that your fingernails created. I promise!
Now I'm also going to say here, that this may take a long time! How long, I'm not sure, because I am still on the path to discovering that myself, but I can honestly say that in 60 days my skin has drastically improved and that I have 100% faith that it will only continue to improve until it is ultimately completely healed!
I'll break this down as best I can remember.
Recovery Log:
1-10 days no picking: Dramatic healing of open sores, scabs and a fading of the redness around picked areas. New minor breakouts and under grounders, but overall much improved.
11-20 days no picking: Original open sores and scabs have faded to a deep purple color. In areas all around my face, huge areas of mass breakouts. By my mouth and jawline, my neck, my upper cheeks and temples. All areas were former hot spots for picking. The breakouts seem to alternate from the right side of my face to the left side and when one area seems to improve the other area seems to get worse. This is a torturous period for me. Another thing I notice in this time period is that skin that was formally indented, areas where I picked breakouts flat or to a point of deflation of the skin are now puffing up and are very three dimensional. Very large cystic type breakouts are present and my skin throbs and itches a lot. Often in areas where there is itching around under grounders, I wake in the morning to find a patch of white heads where the skin has released what was plugging it. Now on the positive side, the skin between the breakouts is much, much improved. It is white and almost luminescent. A glow is coming back all over my face to skin that was formally dull and dead looking. And the breakouts themselves are contained. It is easy to see definition to each pimple and the skin around the pimples is healthy and bright. Overall redness is much improved.
20-30 days no picking: A general draining down and out of my breakouts. My forehead is completely clear and looks like I never picked it. My temples have a few small individual spots, but is much improved. The skin around my nose and upper checks is clear of breakouts. It is as if the breakouts have moved out of the upper portion of my face and are now centrally located around my mouth and jawline and neck. An amazing thing is happening. Instead of big white heads and cystic pimples, of which I still have a few, but not as many as previously, I am noticing instead individual pores are pushing up hard black heads. I continue to not touch these and usually within about 4 days, they come up and out on their own or with very gentle rubbing with my aloe juice cotton ball. Now that the breakouts are clearing, I am starting to see the true underlying damage I've caused. There are purple colored pockets and grooves and lines in my cheeks. There are purple divots by the corners of my mouth, there is a group of about 4 icepick scars on my right cheek and another further back on the same cheek. My skin is rough in areas and large clumps of hard black heads are coming up at once. As I stretch my face open in front of the mirror I see an overall rough texture to my skin, as if underneath it a whole series of breakouts await me. But there is again an overall glow of newness, aliveness and luminescence.
30-40 days no picking: The breakouts around my jawline and mouth continue, but are much more contained. They cover a much smaller area and I am usually able to predict where they will erupt based on the texture of my underlying skin when I stretch my face (by opening my mouth and eyes wide) in the mirror. I am also now experiencing some new breakouts in my cheek areas that had previously cleared. This time however they are individual pimples, one or two or three rather than 9 or 10 at a time. The divots and dents and craters have faded in color, they are now light colored and less obvious. Depending on the way the light hits them, they can be invisible. The icepick scars are still pronounced, but seem to be shrinking in circumference and filling from underneath with new skin. I still have areas where there are dark colored purple scars that are even with my skin level. Some I have kept track of have been present since the beginning of my healing. Overall texture and brightness much improved!
40-50 days no picking: Some new breakouts on my forehead, but a completely different experience. Since they are on new healthy skin, they are far less pronounced and look like anyone else's healthy skin. My mouth and jawline are much more contained. I wish I could say they were clear, but they aren't yet. New breakouts continue to erupt, but seem to clear much quicker than before. Neck breakouts are level with my skin, but dark purple scars remain. The scarring seems to have lessened in depth and numbers on my cheeks. The deep divots by my mouth are less pronounced and there appear to be fewer of them, but the texture there remains uneven, indented and slightly purple.
50-60 days no picking: The overall texture of my skin is much brighter, smoother, and luminescent. Scars are much faded and improving. Breakouts around my mouth area continue to erupt and heal and occasional breakouts further up on cheeks. Big difference in quality of breakouts. They are mostly red and quickly go through their cycle... as opposed to the breakouts that lasted 20 days in the beginning, the cycle is now about 4 days for a breakout to go through it's whole process. The individual pimples are much smaller in size and don't leave purple scarring when they leave. I can still get incredibly frustrated with the breakouts continuing, but I find fighting it's process with my frustration only increases anxiety and delays healing. I try to continue to surrender to the process and accept each day I am given as an opportunity.
I will continue to document my healing and process! But I wanted others to know that even though I've stopped picking for 2 months, the journey to healing is a long road and I'm just on the path. I also wanted to share the symptoms of the healing process to let others know that the breakouts are to be expected and that the emotions accompanying them are normal! Hopefully 6 months in I can share that the scars are gone and that the breakouts are forever gone!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Action Plan!
So every good picker needs to feel that they are physically doing something to help the process of healing. And why wouldn't we? We've been very physically involved in the destruction process, we should be equally physically involved in the healing process!
I'm going list all the things I'm doing differently in my routine and health. They all seem to be helping me... not only my skin, but also my overall health and happiness.
I was lucky enough to have a friend that went to a natural aesthetician for her skin and who gave me a list of things I could do to help regulate my skin's balance.
1.The first and I believe the most important thing to kick start the healing... she gave me a list of ingredients to avoid in my skin, hair and nail products.
They are as follows:
1.Triethanolamine: mimics estrogen in the body and binds estrogen receptors so men get enlarged prostates and nipple and breast enlargement and erection problems and women have weight struggles and increased risk of breast cancer and menstrual probs and PMS.
2. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate and Sarcosinate: is a cell membrane irritant that destroys protein therefore causing skin and collagen damage and aging. Contributes to hair loss and is a carcinogen.
3.Propylene Glycol-Petroleum derivative. Very inflammatory and irritating to skin and organs, toxic and inflammatory.
4. PEG- carcinogenic, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
5. All Parabens (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR ME! Noticed an immediate difference in redness and swelling by eliminating these from my products.) Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparabeth, Propylparaben, Isobutylparaben and any other cheap antimicrobials, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
6. Ureas-Release formaldehyde- toxic and inflammatory.
7. Any of the forms of acrylates, methlacrylate, etc. Carcinogenic.
8. There are many others like Triclosan and most of the alcohols and synthetic fragrances, are all toxic, inflammatory, carcinogenic, aging.
9. Mineral Oil is like Crisco for the pores, from petroleum- toxic aging and inflammatory.
10. Petrolatum- is inflammatory and is Crisco to the pores- causes acne
Now when you start looking at your labels, you're gonna freak! Cause this stuff is in practically everything! I almost had a heart attack! Don't panic! First of all, I started gradually phasing out products I was using and then replacing them with products free of these ingredients. If you have a Trader Joes near you, most of the products they offer are free of all of these ingredients.
As for makeups, primarily foundations, I use Lo real Bare Naturals now. An affordable alternative to Bare Essentials. And Bare Essentials Mineral Veil actually has parabens in it. Aveda has great hair products that are free of most of these ingredients and won't make your hair look like straw! And Whole Foods carries Alba sunscreens which are chemical free and great! That should help get you started!
2.The next thing and again hugely important. I simply stopped washing my face so much! I now wash my face only once a day at night before I go to bed. I use Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Cheap, chemical free and naturally effective. Simple as it gets.
3. In the morning when I wake up, I drink about 3 oz. of Aloe Juice. (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Great health benefits including skin. I then use this same aloe juice as a toner on my face skin before I apply sun screen or moisturizer, morning (after my shower, not washing my face with soap) and night after I wash my face.
It gets blood circulating up and my face turns bright red, but fades about 10 minutes later. No burning or pain, just flush.
4. I stopped exfoliating so frequently. I kept thinking if I sloughed off my skin it would help it release the acne. But in truth it was damaging the collagen that was rebuilding my skin. I now exfoliate once every 2 weeksish with Kimberly Fayer Jojoba Bead exfoliate....very very mild and chemical free. (I am now, June 16th, going to exfoliate with baking soda (see #19)... although I'm going to wait until my breakouts are gone to start this... exfoliating seems to aggravate them and causes new eruptions. I may just cut out exfoliating all together. Still to be determined.)
5. I'm taking the following vitamins: Some are from Perricone's plan and some are from this aesthetician. They all seem to be helping. With the exception of the DMAE which I buy at Whole Foods, all the vitamins can be found at Trader Joes and are very affordable. I just take them once a day with food.
Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Spirulina, Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc combo pill, DMAE, Alpha Lipoic Acid
I'm going list all the things I'm doing differently in my routine and health. They all seem to be helping me... not only my skin, but also my overall health and happiness.
I was lucky enough to have a friend that went to a natural aesthetician for her skin and who gave me a list of things I could do to help regulate my skin's balance.
1.The first and I believe the most important thing to kick start the healing... she gave me a list of ingredients to avoid in my skin, hair and nail products.
They are as follows:
1.Triethanolamine: mimics estrogen in the body and binds estrogen receptors so men get enlarged prostates and nipple and breast enlargement and erection problems and women have weight struggles and increased risk of breast cancer and menstrual probs and PMS.
2. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate and Sarcosinate: is a cell membrane irritant that destroys protein therefore causing skin and collagen damage and aging. Contributes to hair loss and is a carcinogen.
3.Propylene Glycol-Petroleum derivative. Very inflammatory and irritating to skin and organs, toxic and inflammatory.
4. PEG- carcinogenic, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
5. All Parabens (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR ME! Noticed an immediate difference in redness and swelling by eliminating these from my products.) Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparabeth, Propylparaben, Isobutylparaben and any other cheap antimicrobials, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
6. Ureas-Release formaldehyde- toxic and inflammatory.
7. Any of the forms of acrylates, methlacrylate, etc. Carcinogenic.
8. There are many others like Triclosan and most of the alcohols and synthetic fragrances, are all toxic, inflammatory, carcinogenic, aging.
9. Mineral Oil is like Crisco for the pores, from petroleum- toxic aging and inflammatory.
10. Petrolatum- is inflammatory and is Crisco to the pores- causes acne
Now when you start looking at your labels, you're gonna freak! Cause this stuff is in practically everything! I almost had a heart attack! Don't panic! First of all, I started gradually phasing out products I was using and then replacing them with products free of these ingredients. If you have a Trader Joes near you, most of the products they offer are free of all of these ingredients.
As for makeups, primarily foundations, I use Lo real Bare Naturals now. An affordable alternative to Bare Essentials. And Bare Essentials Mineral Veil actually has parabens in it. Aveda has great hair products that are free of most of these ingredients and won't make your hair look like straw! And Whole Foods carries Alba sunscreens which are chemical free and great! That should help get you started!
2.The next thing and again hugely important. I simply stopped washing my face so much! I now wash my face only once a day at night before I go to bed. I use Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Cheap, chemical free and naturally effective. Simple as it gets.
3. In the morning when I wake up, I drink about 3 oz. of Aloe Juice. (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Great health benefits including skin. I then use this same aloe juice as a toner on my face skin before I apply sun screen or moisturizer, morning (after my shower, not washing my face with soap) and night after I wash my face.
It gets blood circulating up and my face turns bright red, but fades about 10 minutes later. No burning or pain, just flush.
4. I stopped exfoliating so frequently. I kept thinking if I sloughed off my skin it would help it release the acne. But in truth it was damaging the collagen that was rebuilding my skin. I now exfoliate once every 2 weeksish with Kimberly Fayer Jojoba Bead exfoliate....very very mild and chemical free. (I am now, June 16th, going to exfoliate with baking soda (see #19)... although I'm going to wait until my breakouts are gone to start this... exfoliating seems to aggravate them and causes new eruptions. I may just cut out exfoliating all together. Still to be determined.)
5. I'm taking the following vitamins: Some are from Perricone's plan and some are from this aesthetician. They all seem to be helping. With the exception of the DMAE which I buy at Whole Foods, all the vitamins can be found at Trader Joes and are very affordable. I just take them once a day with food.
Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Spirulina, Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc combo pill, DMAE, Alpha Lipoic Acid
(A little side note here, if you take a Vitamin B complex and experience a burst of red hot rising under your skin, your ears feel like they're on fire, your elbows and knees are red, etc.... don't worry, it's called a Niacin Flush and it's a sign of your capillaries opening. Google search Niacin Flush and read up.)
6. I moisturize my face well in the evening and use Alba sunscreen during the day. Moisture is key!
7. I drink a lot of water! Not excessively, but a lot! The guideline I go by is 1 Quart of water (4 cups) for every 50 pounds of body weight.
8. Now what to do about those pesky white heads that keep popping up! Get ready. This may not be the case for everyone, but for me, part of the healing process has been that once I stopped picking, my skin started forcing out every single bit I had pushed down into it for 4 years! 4 years can accumulate a lot of bacteria and cells and dead skin! I made a promise not to pick, but those white heads are pretty hard to deal with. So here's what I do.... if I wake up and have them, I just make myself wait until I get in the shower. I try not to touch them at all. Usually they will just release themselves under the shower flow. But if they are still there I just gently rub a cotton ball with the aloe juice on it, GENTLY!!!!!!!! and they will usually release. The ones near my mouth are amazing, if I push my tongue on the inside and run with the cotton ball on the skin, often times I can literally see the pore unplug itself and push out a little ball! It's incredible! And it's something I didn't know was possible for all those years, because I was too busy thinking I was making it better by picking! All along my body just wanted to push it up and out and reseal behind it! So that's what it's doing now! Wish I had known that years ago!
9. I change or flip my pillowcase every single night! Think of your pillowcase as underwear for your skin! You wouldn't want to wear your drawers twice. Well, your face doesn't want to be crammed in the same oil, skin cells, bacteria and drool night after night either.
10. I walk! A lot! I walk for at least 30 minutes a day, and in my worst moments of picking I would make sure that I walked for at least an hour. Being out in nature works wonders on releasing my need to pick. It reminds me that I am a smaller piece in a big beautiful healthy functioning world. And when I get home I'm usually tired enough to not even want to pick.
11. I read a lot! The act of reading is so different from the non-act of watching TV or playing on the computer. It is an active process while the others create passive behavior which can trigger an episode of picking.
12. I limit my use of the computer to 30 mins. a day in the evening and watch TV only in the evenings. It has helped me a lot in the moment by moment focus on not picking to have peaceful quiet reflective time in my day. Instead I read, journal, meditate, think, walk, cook, knit, practice yoga etc... It has increased my overall quality of life and just makes me feel happy!
13. I separate my picking habits from all other activities. So basically I say, if I'm watching TV I will not be picking. If I'm on the computer, I will not be picking. If I want to pick, I say, I'll set special time aside to pick. What ends up happening of course is that I don't want to pick in the time that I've consciously set aside for it. I also ask my body, "Body, do you want me to pick at you?" and I usually hear a very clear internal answer of "NO!" This is a key thing in breaking habit. Separate the habit from the habitual places and make the habit the sole focus. It will go away on it's own.
14. I have distanced myself from my social group and have focused my time and energy on healing of myself.
15. Once a week, before I get in the shower, I give myself a gentle all over body massage with sesame oil. Sesame oil is Nature's wonder. It is anti bacterial and soothing and has a million other qualities that I'm not even sure I know. So I start at the top of my scalp and rub about a tsp. of sesame oil in at my scalp level and then gradually progress down the rest of my body ending at the tips of my toes. I then let it soak into my skin for 5 minutes before I get in the shower and wash up. This little act of self love has put me back in contact with my skin and body in a healthy way and has replaced mean angry self picking touch with loving and soothing and caressing touch.
16. One of the latest things I'm doing is owning to myself and others... those who are concerned with my skin and see it as a dermatological issue... I am simply allowing myself to say, "Thank you for your concern. I am actually recovering from a mental health disorder rather than a physical ailment and I am in the process of healing." This owning of being in a state of healing and shifting the focus off my skin and on to a more whole view of me and what I am recovering from, opens the doors to compassion and love and more complete understanding from the people around me.
17. The last thing is that I am just giving in and surrendering more and more to my own body's function, healing and time table for doing so. I am trying to not rush the process, but rather let my healing and recovery unfold before me in the now!
18. I'm adding this! I read that Karen Allen loves Witch Hazel for her skin and then after doing a little research I saw that it would be a great thing to add to my routine. So for the last week (I'm adding this line June 7th) I've been using Thayer's Witch Hazel Toner with calming Lavender! I use it following the aloe juice toner and before I mosturize! Important note here! Any Witch Hazel will do, but make sure there is no alcohol in the ingredient list! Thayer's offers 3 different formulas, but one of them contains alcohol.... so just read the labels. Among it's positive properties, Witch Hazel is said to be a powerful anti inflammatory agent, a bruise and scar reducer, a pore shrinker, a moisturizer and a skin tone evener! In one week I already notice a huge difference!
19. June 16th, I'm adding this. I am now adding a baking soda mask to my regimen. I googled it after hearing it may help in acne and found many positive reviews of it. One suggested mixing water and baking soda to a consistancy resembling milk and patting it over the skin and then allowing it to dry for 30 mins. As it dries it forms a white mask that sucks stuff out. In just 4 days, it has dramatically reduced my breakouts and is bringing stuff that was lurking under my skin to the surface without overdrying my skin. The reviewer was so positive about it and encouraged that it will help even the cystic pimples, it just needs a longer time to penetrate them... so small breakouts clear within one to two days and cystic in a week or so. So far that has been about my experience with it. I am doing it twice a day to begin with and will cut back to once a day as breakouts heal. I am also steaming my face after washing it in the evening for 15 minutes to help my pores open and release. I apply the mask immediately after this and it is really effective at not only pulling stuff out, but softening the hard black heads and my skin texture overall. It feels like a miracle product! I'll continue to update on progress with it. (Little update, it did end up overdrying a bit, but helped so much in clearing. So I'm going to just use it once a week from now on. June 23)
Waking Up and Finding My Light: One day at a time!
I am now 2 months into my healing process and while I believe I have a long road ahead of me, I also believe the worst has passed.
For anyone reading this blog who is a skin picker, you know how hard it is to make it one day without picking, much less 2 months, 60 full days. I know that 60 days ago it was impossible for me to imagine being where I am now. I offer this example of hope for someone out there, fighting to make it just one hour without picking.
Like most pickers, at some point I was able to see that I was causing more damage than I was doing good to my skin. I could see that when I was able to make it one full day or three full days, or sometimes even a week that my skin would improve. And then what would happen is a whole new round of breakouts would occur and I would freak out and start picking again.
What I have come to believe in this process is that I have done such severe damage to my skin with the picking that it is going to have to go through many, many rounds of expulsion in order to fully heal itself. And watching my skin for the past 60 days has given me incredible faith in the natural healing powers of the human body. It is absolutely incredible! It has powers I never knew before and if one positive thing comes from all of this, just seeing my miraculous body in action is a gift I know I will carry forward with me.
I had been flirting with stopping picking for quite a while... making it three days and then regressing, then making it four days... but I just couldn't quite get over the hump.
A key thing happened in my life at this point. Which I believe will happen for anyone who wants to make a change and needs a true reason to do so. The reason will present itself.
My high school drama teacher called me up out of the blue and wanted to get together for coffee. It had been 9 years since I had seen him and he is one of the dearest people in my life. His belief in my talent set me on my path and I am forever grateful that.
So we went out to coffee and as I sat across from him I became overwhelmed with emotion. What was amazing to me is that I felt as though I had been through hell and back and that I was in bad shape, but he just sat there and listened to me and what I had been doing with my life and he smiled and he laughed and he kept saying "Good for you Butterfly! Good for you!" And I realized he didn't even see the outer damage I had created, he only saw the same girl he taught and loved 9 years ago. Same soul, different package! I realized that after the trauma I had gone through in my relationships and in my self destruction I was now sitting across the table from true pure unconditional LOVE! I walked out of the cafe feeling like I was floating and my heart felt like someone had used a chisel and managed to crack off a hard coating and that it was now pumping for the first time in years. That love carried me home and started me on my 60 day path. I believe it was the awakening of unconditional SELF love and that is the only thing any of us can hope to find.
Now anyone reading this is thinking... how nice, but I can't do it! It's too ingrained! It's too hard!
Listen to me! I have been there and even with the love in my heart, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done! Ever!
The only way I have managed to make it 60 days is that I have taken it literally moment by moment. I didn't keep track of the exact day count, all I focused on was from the moment I woke up saying "I just have to make it through today. No picking today. I will not pick at myself today" Periodically through the day I would look at the clock and I would say, "It's 3 pm. I just have to make it 7 more hours to bed time." And at 4pm, "Look, You've made it Butterfly! You've made it another hour. Only 6 more until bed." I had set goals before of trying to make it 30 days and failed every time, but just focusing on making it through one day at a time is how I've managed to make it this far. And it has given me a tool to use even now, 60 days in. Just the thought "I just have to make it through today!" relaxes my breath and any panic I feel building melts away. I have to keep reminding myself to be brave and to pray for patience and strength. Periodically in the day when I find myself in the grips of a momentary need to pick, I just say to myself "I pray in this moment for patience and strength."
And patience and strength is exactly what I need on this journey. It is an incredibly long and difficult one with many twists and turns in the road.
My story:
I encourage anyone on this path to healing to look back and find the starting point of your skin picking and identify what was going on in your life at the time you first noticed you were picking. It helps to find the root cause of where you were and therefore to move forward with that information.
In my case, my picking started 4 years ago. Looking back I can see how vulnerable I was and how little it took to set me on my path.
I had been, up to that point, a very happy, well rounded, energetic young woman with a bright outlook on life. I was just coming out of a relationship with an older man and though my rational mind was aware that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and healthy, a deeper emotional mind thought that I had done something to cause the end. A therapist would quickly point out that the rejection of this older man was very similar to the rejection I felt when I was 12 and my father walked out on my mother and me. Duh! :) I see now that I was very angry with my ex boyfriend and I had nowhere to vent that anger.... I couldn't give it to him as he wouldn't even return my phone calls when I was trying to end the relationship. And I didn't want to vent it to the people who loved me and wanted the best for me in my life. So the only person left to vent it at was myself.
Also at this critical time, an old female friend reemerged in my life. We had gone our separate ways in college and now found ourselves back in the same town and on a similar career path. We reconnected and began spending a lot of time together. I did not know it at the time, but I was opening the door wide open for a sociopath to walk into my life. This "friend" is how the seed of skin picking got planted. I was the fertile soil and water that helped it to grow.
Growing up I had always been an outgoing kid who loved to talk and express myself openly. I went through my ugly duckling phase and pre-braces developed the nickname "Bucky" for my protruding overbite. And the feeling that I was going to just have to be happy with being ugly for the rest of my life set in. I moved forward and developed a lot of other aspects of myself to make up for the lack of beauty I possessed. I was a straight A student, president of the speech and debate club, a foreign exchange student who learned to speak fluent French and a star of the high school stage. I not only just got through high school, but I managed to find joy and happiness in who I was.
Then in college something changed. I don't know what it was, but suddenly the opposite sex found me incredibly attractive. I was getting asked out left and right, had guys honking at me on my walks, had the male staff at the restaurant I worked at howling at me, "Mamasita, you make me CRAZY!!!!" and had landed smack dab in the middle of a relationship with a gorgeous hunk of a man 13 years my senior. For a girl who had decided to just be happy in my unattractiveness, this was shocking to say the least. And the truth is, it brought about a lot of internal uncertainty. I had found a way to negotiate the world as ugly, but this new development was something I had not expected and quite frankly was not prepared to deal with. I felt both thrilled at the attention and terrified of it. Deep down, I just didn't believe I deserved it and I was afraid that the world would catch on... that the void left in me when all of these oglers vanished would be too great for a little girl like me to bear. A part of me was already scrambling for a way out of this dreadful life of attractiveness.
So cut to the end of said relationship and the entering of my sociopathic "friend".
My "friend" and I are in a competitive career field where physical aesthetics are very highly rated. Okay, I'll just say it. We're actresses. In a field of this high level of competition, I did what I've always done... I've minimized my physical attributes where I couldn't possibly compete and focused instead on all the other aspects I could develop. I trained at a well respected school, I got myself in a very respected theatre company, I played unattractive characters with heart and soul and I learned to use text to my benefit. In other areas of my life I learned to cook, to knit, I practice yoga, I learned to nurture and care for others in 4 years of dog sitting, house sitting, and babysitting, etc. I was strong and happy and content. And in a competitive relationship/friendship, I was dangerous. I was a threat that must be neutralized. So very casually at first, and then not so casually in the end, this "friend" started dropping hints that there was something wrong with me... primarily with my skin.
Now I had had skin issues all my life, or at least perceived skin issues. My brother had had full blown acne when he was younger and our family had a history of skin problems. I can remember a moment when I was a tween and my mom discovered a few blackheads on my nose and flipped out. I think her worst fear was that I would go through what my brother had gone through and so she overreacted. She started pushing and prying and nail digging my nose and thus, the introduction to skin picking was accomplished. Then I battled the occasional breakout and tried pretty much every remedy known to man, short of harmful toxic products like acutane. In college I got myself on the pill and discovered Proactive and pretty much got it under control. (Looking back now, it was only a matter of time until it would have cleared up on it's own. And I don't recommend Proactive as I think it causes an enlarging of the pores that damages the naturally healthy skin. People told me after I went off of it that my skin was starting to look really grainy and that now that I had stopped my pores were shrinking)
But now here we are again and this friend is reintroducing a seed of a fear I already had. "You know, Butterfly, I hear you won't get cast if you have even the slightest breakout. You should really do something about that. Take accutane. It'll clear it right up." And then a subtle daily comment about my skin and then an hourly comment about my skin and then a minute by minute comment until suddenly, my skin was the only thing she could talk about.
Naturally my hand crept up to my face and out came the magnifying mirror and suddenly I was spending hours a day staring at the pores on my face and picking. It began as conscious activity and it quickly moved into my unconscious habit driven mind. All hours of the day, no matter what I was doing, watching TV, stuck in traffic, sitting my babies, laying down to sleep... there was not a moment where my silent unconscious hand was not creeping like some eerie detached spider up and down the sides of my cheek, my neck, my forehead, my chin, my chest, etc. My fingernails would pinch furiously at my skin and where there was no bump, they would pick and scratch until a bump formed. I would pick until I bled, really, really bled and until my face burned and my skin was bruised. And then I would go in and see what I had done and panic!!!!!!!!!!!! But the insane thing is that I had convinced myself that what I was seeing was what my friend was talking about. "I have the worst acne! I have the worst skin! I will never have the career of my dreams! Look at my horrible skin!" And then I'd frantically try to wash away the evidence and apply the anti-acne creams and lotions and go to bed and cry.
Over time, my self confidence and happiness and contentedness vanished. I found it incredibly difficult to go out in public. People who had known me before this started reacted very strongly. They loved me, of course, and they wanted the best for me. And unfortunately they didn't know what was really going on, so they started offering me money to see dermatologists and some senior actor friends who knew what I was capable of as an actress started saying things like "Butterfly, it's time for you to get your skin under control. You are too good of an actress and this is holding you back." I can see now that this was like throwing fuel on a raging fire. It just convinced me further that my skin was the problem. It made me feel more hopeless and isolated and it proved what I'd always feared would happen... the people who loved me only loved me when I was pretty and now that I was ugly again, they were going to leave me. That was it. The stage was set and I was ready to play my part.
And so began a 4 year dark period of my life. A 4 year period that I believe has caused a death of something very precious in my soul. A 4 year period that will have a lasting effect on my life. But a 4 year period that is now over. I have been walking down a very dark tunnel and I am now beginning to see the glimpse of light from the other end. I'm moving slowly and steadily towards it and with each step I am getting closer to wholeness and happiness and healing.
In my case, my picking started 4 years ago. Looking back I can see how vulnerable I was and how little it took to set me on my path.
I had been, up to that point, a very happy, well rounded, energetic young woman with a bright outlook on life. I was just coming out of a relationship with an older man and though my rational mind was aware that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and healthy, a deeper emotional mind thought that I had done something to cause the end. A therapist would quickly point out that the rejection of this older man was very similar to the rejection I felt when I was 12 and my father walked out on my mother and me. Duh! :) I see now that I was very angry with my ex boyfriend and I had nowhere to vent that anger.... I couldn't give it to him as he wouldn't even return my phone calls when I was trying to end the relationship. And I didn't want to vent it to the people who loved me and wanted the best for me in my life. So the only person left to vent it at was myself.
Also at this critical time, an old female friend reemerged in my life. We had gone our separate ways in college and now found ourselves back in the same town and on a similar career path. We reconnected and began spending a lot of time together. I did not know it at the time, but I was opening the door wide open for a sociopath to walk into my life. This "friend" is how the seed of skin picking got planted. I was the fertile soil and water that helped it to grow.
Growing up I had always been an outgoing kid who loved to talk and express myself openly. I went through my ugly duckling phase and pre-braces developed the nickname "Bucky" for my protruding overbite. And the feeling that I was going to just have to be happy with being ugly for the rest of my life set in. I moved forward and developed a lot of other aspects of myself to make up for the lack of beauty I possessed. I was a straight A student, president of the speech and debate club, a foreign exchange student who learned to speak fluent French and a star of the high school stage. I not only just got through high school, but I managed to find joy and happiness in who I was.
Then in college something changed. I don't know what it was, but suddenly the opposite sex found me incredibly attractive. I was getting asked out left and right, had guys honking at me on my walks, had the male staff at the restaurant I worked at howling at me, "Mamasita, you make me CRAZY!!!!" and had landed smack dab in the middle of a relationship with a gorgeous hunk of a man 13 years my senior. For a girl who had decided to just be happy in my unattractiveness, this was shocking to say the least. And the truth is, it brought about a lot of internal uncertainty. I had found a way to negotiate the world as ugly, but this new development was something I had not expected and quite frankly was not prepared to deal with. I felt both thrilled at the attention and terrified of it. Deep down, I just didn't believe I deserved it and I was afraid that the world would catch on... that the void left in me when all of these oglers vanished would be too great for a little girl like me to bear. A part of me was already scrambling for a way out of this dreadful life of attractiveness.
So cut to the end of said relationship and the entering of my sociopathic "friend".
My "friend" and I are in a competitive career field where physical aesthetics are very highly rated. Okay, I'll just say it. We're actresses. In a field of this high level of competition, I did what I've always done... I've minimized my physical attributes where I couldn't possibly compete and focused instead on all the other aspects I could develop. I trained at a well respected school, I got myself in a very respected theatre company, I played unattractive characters with heart and soul and I learned to use text to my benefit. In other areas of my life I learned to cook, to knit, I practice yoga, I learned to nurture and care for others in 4 years of dog sitting, house sitting, and babysitting, etc. I was strong and happy and content. And in a competitive relationship/friendship, I was dangerous. I was a threat that must be neutralized. So very casually at first, and then not so casually in the end, this "friend" started dropping hints that there was something wrong with me... primarily with my skin.
Now I had had skin issues all my life, or at least perceived skin issues. My brother had had full blown acne when he was younger and our family had a history of skin problems. I can remember a moment when I was a tween and my mom discovered a few blackheads on my nose and flipped out. I think her worst fear was that I would go through what my brother had gone through and so she overreacted. She started pushing and prying and nail digging my nose and thus, the introduction to skin picking was accomplished. Then I battled the occasional breakout and tried pretty much every remedy known to man, short of harmful toxic products like acutane. In college I got myself on the pill and discovered Proactive and pretty much got it under control. (Looking back now, it was only a matter of time until it would have cleared up on it's own. And I don't recommend Proactive as I think it causes an enlarging of the pores that damages the naturally healthy skin. People told me after I went off of it that my skin was starting to look really grainy and that now that I had stopped my pores were shrinking)
But now here we are again and this friend is reintroducing a seed of a fear I already had. "You know, Butterfly, I hear you won't get cast if you have even the slightest breakout. You should really do something about that. Take accutane. It'll clear it right up." And then a subtle daily comment about my skin and then an hourly comment about my skin and then a minute by minute comment until suddenly, my skin was the only thing she could talk about.
Naturally my hand crept up to my face and out came the magnifying mirror and suddenly I was spending hours a day staring at the pores on my face and picking. It began as conscious activity and it quickly moved into my unconscious habit driven mind. All hours of the day, no matter what I was doing, watching TV, stuck in traffic, sitting my babies, laying down to sleep... there was not a moment where my silent unconscious hand was not creeping like some eerie detached spider up and down the sides of my cheek, my neck, my forehead, my chin, my chest, etc. My fingernails would pinch furiously at my skin and where there was no bump, they would pick and scratch until a bump formed. I would pick until I bled, really, really bled and until my face burned and my skin was bruised. And then I would go in and see what I had done and panic!!!!!!!!!!!! But the insane thing is that I had convinced myself that what I was seeing was what my friend was talking about. "I have the worst acne! I have the worst skin! I will never have the career of my dreams! Look at my horrible skin!" And then I'd frantically try to wash away the evidence and apply the anti-acne creams and lotions and go to bed and cry.
Over time, my self confidence and happiness and contentedness vanished. I found it incredibly difficult to go out in public. People who had known me before this started reacted very strongly. They loved me, of course, and they wanted the best for me. And unfortunately they didn't know what was really going on, so they started offering me money to see dermatologists and some senior actor friends who knew what I was capable of as an actress started saying things like "Butterfly, it's time for you to get your skin under control. You are too good of an actress and this is holding you back." I can see now that this was like throwing fuel on a raging fire. It just convinced me further that my skin was the problem. It made me feel more hopeless and isolated and it proved what I'd always feared would happen... the people who loved me only loved me when I was pretty and now that I was ugly again, they were going to leave me. That was it. The stage was set and I was ready to play my part.
And so began a 4 year dark period of my life. A 4 year period that I believe has caused a death of something very precious in my soul. A 4 year period that will have a lasting effect on my life. But a 4 year period that is now over. I have been walking down a very dark tunnel and I am now beginning to see the glimpse of light from the other end. I'm moving slowly and steadily towards it and with each step I am getting closer to wholeness and happiness and healing.
Why I'm writing this blog: Hope for skin pickers!
I decided to write this blog when I searched the web for the success stories of skin pickers and found a lot of people struggling on the path, but very few uplifting or inspiring stories.
What I was hoping to find was a story of someone who had stopped picking and had amazing results to share. I wanted to know how long it took for them to get through the worst of it and how long it took them to break the habit. I wanted to know if their scars were fading and how long it was taking. I wanted to know what caused them to change and how it was affecting the rest of their lives.
What I found instead was a lot of people like myself, begging for someone out there to share this hope with them. And I found a lot of medical information from an establishment looking to create profit for themselves. It was so discouraging to see a message board with someone begging for help and hope and support, filled with responses from analytical doctors giving them gobbly goop information about "blah blah, this is your disorder and you have to take an antidepressant and blah, blah". We live in a world of the medical industrial complex, where there is constant pressure on us to ask our doctors and just take a pill and all will be well.
In my journey to healing I have tried to find a way to avoid this system and trust myself.
So I've decided to write this blog and document my journey and hopefully help someone else out there in the world looking for this type of story. And maybe help myself in the process.
What I was hoping to find was a story of someone who had stopped picking and had amazing results to share. I wanted to know how long it took for them to get through the worst of it and how long it took them to break the habit. I wanted to know if their scars were fading and how long it was taking. I wanted to know what caused them to change and how it was affecting the rest of their lives.
What I found instead was a lot of people like myself, begging for someone out there to share this hope with them. And I found a lot of medical information from an establishment looking to create profit for themselves. It was so discouraging to see a message board with someone begging for help and hope and support, filled with responses from analytical doctors giving them gobbly goop information about "blah blah, this is your disorder and you have to take an antidepressant and blah, blah". We live in a world of the medical industrial complex, where there is constant pressure on us to ask our doctors and just take a pill and all will be well.
In my journey to healing I have tried to find a way to avoid this system and trust myself.
So I've decided to write this blog and document my journey and hopefully help someone else out there in the world looking for this type of story. And maybe help myself in the process.
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