Creaking and cracking my new little wings open in the Sun!

My Beloveds!!!!
It has been oh so long since I have written! In case you were wondering, I'm still here in the world kickin' and screamin' along. :)

I have to say that overall my life is going so well it is unbelievable. From where I was 2 years ago to where I am now is HUGE!

For one thing on a physical level, my skin has been through a miraculous transformation. It is still not perfect... and my disorder is still not perfectly healed, but the difference is remarkable. I went out to dinner with a group of friends I hadn't seen in a while the other night. I have lopped my long curly hair down to a short little pixie cut (something I never could have done 2 years ago, both for confidence reasons and for the sake of not scaring small children on the street when I was going through the worst of the healing breakouts) and all of my friends were cooing, "You look so fantastic!" My friend Will came and held my face in his hands and I said, "Will, I'm mangled." And he didn't say anything, he just started kissing me all over my face. I can not tell you what that gesture meant to me.

The world seems to be sending me that same message over and over and over. "I love you. Get over it. You're beautiful, NOW, as beautiful as you have ever been and I love you."

Another example is the other day I got called randomly to work a day as an extra on a little TV show. It was a union job and only a few hours long and I figured it would be good, not only to get paid, but to get back out there into the world of on-camera acting (my biggest fear since going through all of this) and extra work is the safest way to do this, because I'll just be a blurry image in the background no one should even notice, if the actors are doing their jobs. So I showed up on set and it felt great to be there. Like I wanted to run over to the Craft Services tables and throw my arms around them and scream, "Oh how I've missed you! I never thought I'd see you again!" And it also felt great because I realized how confident I've become in so many other areas of my life, that the acting thing is just something I do, it isn't EVERYTHING I AM! What a relief! So while all of this is going on in my experience, there is also that evil little old voice in the back of my head nagging, "They're gonna freak when they see your skin." But it's a quiet voice now and there are so many other loving voices in my head that it really doesn't have much power any more. So I just said, "Hey you, Little Voice, glad you could join us, but pipe down so we can get on with our day." So first I'm standing in line to get my eggs and toast and there's a PA standing behind me eying me, but not in the "damn!-that-girl's-face-is-whack" kinda way, but in a "there's-a-hot-new-chick-on-set" kinda way, and after my delicious Craft Service breakfast I hop in the van to go from the holding area to the set, and the van driver is like totally checking me out and then I get to the set and the 1st AD is flirting with me and the director suddenly has swivel-neck disorder and the DP has drop-jaw disorder. Okay, I'm exaggerating.... but only a little. Like the vibe around the joint is definitely pro-Butterfly, and I'm diggin it! I mean I haven't been a piece-o-meat in 2 years, and I gotta say that this is the first, and probably last time, I'm actually kind of liking it! But it isn't just the dudes. I go to wardrobe check and after watching extra after extra sulk off to change into their second outfit choice after being snubbed by the costumer's keen eye for fashion, I get to the front of the line where she looks me up and down and says, "C-uh-ute!!!!" So now we're on set and they're setting up the scene, and I kind of shirk off to this table that I'm sure won't be in the scene, or if it is it'll be so blurry no one will ever be able to tell I'm a woman, much less a mangled one, when all of the sudden I hear, "Hey Arizona, get over here." The 1st AD, having learned my home state in his flirting session and now using it as my nickname, is waving me over. So I get there and he says, "We need the pretty girls to be in the scene." and he proceeds to place me right behind the lead actors. Now for most extras this is a dream come true. For me, not so much. For two reasons, one my skin issues, but two and most importantly is that I have no desire whatsoever to be seen jaw-jacking in the background while two people do what I have been training to do for 11 years. Which is stand in front of me, feeling superior, and do a scene that they have memorized, rehearsed in their trailers and are now filming take after take. But I gotta say, that today, I'm a-okay with the whole thing. Even the bitchy guest star who keeps starin' me down can't phase me. I'm on a set, I'm in a scene and people are diggin me! And the best part of being right up there is that I'm literally nose to nose with the whole process, I get to watch the actors over and over again and the camera moves and the director giving advice on the next take, and I just start thinking, "Why did you psych yourself out over this!? This is no big deal! You can do this!" So that is just huge!

So folks out there in internet land, after 2 years in my safe little cocoon, I'm finally crawling out and stretching my little fragile wings. I'm going to yoga 6 days a week and doing stuff in my classes that I never thought humanly possible, think Flying Pigeon Pose and Forearm Scorpion. I live in a gorgeous new condo that I worked with a contractor one on one with to design and renovate. I cook in the kitchen that I measured, designed, ordered from Ikea and oversaw the installation of. I shower in the showers I picked the travertine tiles for, I wake up in my blackberry-mocha-painted bedroom that came from my hard work in finding a real estate agent and mortgage broker, and from talking my mom down off the crazy scared bridge she was on every day through the process of purchasing our new home. I meditate each morning to gorgeous light streaming in my windows and each night to the glow of the moon. I volunteer every week for my spiritual organization and greet sweet souls who come to find their spiritual healing in one of the most sacred places I have ever seen on Earth. I got a new voice-over agent who has been getting me out for leading voices on Disney cartoons, which is something I've always dreamed of, and I am getting positive feedback from the casting directors. I auditioned for 2 plays last month and had positive experience in both.

About 4 years ago I sat in the courtyard in front of the biggest theatre complex in Los Angeles, (home to the 2 major Equity Theatres and the LA Philharmonic and Opera), with the fountains going off spraying water 40 feet in the air, and looking around at the thousands of people milling about for a pre-show dinner, I thought, "This is it. This place, this work, these people, THIS is why I have worked so hard for so long and sacrificed so much. So that one day I can wake up in the morning and come here to rehearse a play that one day I will perform for these beautiful people and we can share a moment of living breathing art together. If I can some day work here, all of this struggle and strife will be worth it." After years of submitting my picture to the casting director and hearing nothing but deafening silence as a response, 3 weeks ago I finally had my very first audition for LA's biggest theatre. The feedback from the casting director was positive. And I'm sure there will be more opportunities like this in the future.

All of this would not be possible if not for the grace of God, who came to me in my darkest hour as I literally lay curled in a ball on the floor of my bedroom rocking and moaning, "Please God, please, have mercy on me. Please comfort me. Please help me stop hurting myself. Please show me the way. Please help me want to live. Please, please, please. I want to love myself and I want You to love me."

I would not be here if He had not responded. I know that now. And it scares me. But to anyone who feels that they can not go on, all I can say is, "Don't you want to see what waits for you, if you do? There's so much out there, all you have to do is show up and try to take your next breath."

To my sweet readers. I love you all dearly. I wish you the best of this world and the best of the world that lies beyond the physical world with which we have come to identify ourselves. The world that is waiting for us to discover it, the one just behind the darkness of our closed eyes. May God truly bless you and may you feel His presence in each moment of your life. Jai Guru, Jai Ma, Jai, Jai, Jai!!!!