The Cosmic Drama Ever Unfolding

I haven't posted an update in almost 4 years! It is unfathomable to me that so much time has passed in this journey of healing.... and this small 5 year cycle of healing is only a microcosm of the healing my soul has undergone in its journey through time and space for the millions of incarnations it has taken to get into this current body and this current state of evolution.

There is way too much that has happened over the last 4 years to try to sum up in a meager post. But perhaps, I can shed a little light on where I am now in this process. When I set out to write this blog 5 years ago, it was because I wanted to share a success story on this topic of dermatillomania, excoriated acne, and self-mutilation. What sort of amazes me looking back now is that I believed I was going to have a success story even when nothing seemed to say that that was even possible at the time. But as time has passed and the story has unfolded, something came out of this trip into the darkness that I could never have imagined. To be where I am now, to feel as I do, to have the life I have now, to be with the people I am with, to have the privilege to walk on this sacred spiritual path that I am on, to have a Guru and a sacred line of Gurus and to serve in the capacities in which I have been called to serve, the magnitude and grace of it brings me constantly to my knees in humblest prayer, tears streaming down my face at the unconditional love and mercy of God. I started this journey on my knees in desperation. I now find myself on my knees in devotion.

Perhaps I could end this post there. But I think maybe the value of this blog has been the sheer unadulterated truth, the unveiling, the uncensored sharing of the deepest and the darkest as well as the hope-filled and at times just plain silly underpinnings of my life. I read posts from my early days and I cringe sometimes at where I was, but I refuse to edit or delete those posts in any way. I need to honor where I've been, even though at times those places were not pleasant and were not perfect and were maybe even a little ugly and offensive.

I don't know if anyone is even reading this anymore... the blog counter says that about 450 people have at some point stumbled on this blog and read something. I hope that those who have read anything they have found have been inspired on some level to follow their own journeys and to discover the freedom and joy that is waiting for them on the other side. That's my hope anyway. I only ever started writing this to share a personal story and to hopefully be able to offer comfort to anyone else out there who was also suffering.

One of the things I thought I could share, because it has been a rare experience and one that I think may be of value for others to read about. Way back when I started this blog, I mentioned that I had a "friend" who helped to set me on the path to self-destruction. I mentioned that she was competitive and that we were both actresses, etc... Well, the fascinating turn of events over the last few years is that while I was going through this huge personal journey within myself and behind walls secreted away from the public eye, she rose to super stardom and world recognition and fame and celebrity. I don't want to say too much because of the role she now plays in such a public arena it would be easy to piece together who she is, but I can only sum it up by saying that in the last 5 years, she has risen to the very top of the acting world. If you can imagine the top rung of that worldly success ladder, she has reached it.  I have undergone such a vast array of emotion on the subject.... I loved her while we were friends and wished for her success, but I was haunted by the damage she had done to me. I followed her career closely for years, reading every article, every post, every update, until finally she climbed all the way to the top. And I watched her at the very top.... the very, very tippiest tippy top, and.... then.... I realized.... it was all..... a JOKE, a sham, a false dream, a HOAX!!! A big COSMIC joke! I don't think I can ever fully express what I mean by this, and I know that most people can never actually fully comprehend what I am saying. But I'll try to put some of it into words.

All my life I have been chasing some idealized version of a life that I am supposed to have. I am supposed to be successful. I am supposed to be rich. I am supposed to be famous. I am supposed to have a beautiful house and wear gorgeous clothing and be the vision of men's fantasies and the envy and inspiration for women around the world. I am supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be charming and funny and delightful. And if I am all of these things, then I will be happy. Then I won't be lonely. Then I will have peace.

So I set out to the land of dreams, Hollywood, to find my star and to achieve these goals and to finally fill that emptiness inside of myself and to be happy. But it turns out that all of that seeking outside of myself, just made me unhappy... in fact so unhappy that I ended up causing myself great harm, great destruction, grave depression, serious illness and overall misery. But I was fortunate, because somehow the little voice inside of me that is my soul started calling to me, "I am here. I am within you. I have everything you could ever hope to find. I am very quiet. I am very small. I live in a place of peace and stillness. You must come to where I am. I can not be found where you are now. You must get small yourself. You must get quiet. You must be still. You will find me, and in me, you will find everything you have ever sought." And so began the journey of healing, true healing, the healing of the soul reuniting with Spirit. The rediscovering of that which has always been within.

And God, who is the best story teller there is, has been telling one doozy of a tale through my life. Over the last 5 years, layer by layer, veil by veil, He has been pulling back the curtain of delusion that shrouds this creation, so that I may see it for its beautiful unreality. See it for the staged drama that it is. This latest reveal has freed me from perhaps incarnations of what I like to call the "fame complex". The idea that if we are famous, we have everything and we are happy... and most importantly we are happier than others! One of the things I have come to realize about this "friend" is that there could never be anyone in her life who was an equal. She would work steadily to surround herself with people who she could feel superior to and if she didn't feel entirely superior she would work to find the weak link in that person that would make them smaller and more fragile than her. Essentially she would make herself taller by chopping off the heads of others. A huge gift I have been given over the last few years is to watch that happening on an even grander scale now that she is surrounded by people who have achieved fame and worldly success. To see that even though she is there with them and has done what they have done, it still isn't enough. She is still not famous enough. She wants to be more famous than the most famous. And in watching it, I can see what a sickness it is. How it is an addiction like any other addiction. And it all stems from the same root cause. The farther we are from our true identity as individual sparks of the same one Infinite and Eternal flame of God, the more unhappy, ill, and alone we are, even when we are surrounded by admirers and flatterers and fans.

So how do we reclaim that forgotten image of God within us? Well, I'm on that journey now, and though I may be on it for many more lifetimes, I have at least discovered the path that leads to that end goal. The goal that the soul has been seeking since its very first expulsion from Spirit into the realm of creation. The supreme goal. The purpose of our existence.

When I first came to the realization that the dream I had been chasing for 13 years was a complete hoax, it really shook me to my core. I was left with this unimaginable emptiness and grief and sadness. I was left with the questions, "What do I do now? What on earth do I do with my life now? What job do I do? What role do I play?" I knew that I wanted to devote my life to God, but I had no idea how to do that. Do I remain in the world? Do I join the ashram and renounce all worldly pursuits? Do I marry? Do I remain alone, but in the world? A ton of questions came up for me. And with them a ton of uncertainty. But over time I am finding my way. I've allowed room for all explorations. Slowly I am finding my answers and in time, more shall be revealed. I have come to an understanding that the goal of life is to find God and that we can only do that by living the life that He has given us while asking Him constantly to be a part of each moment. And that before the busyness of the world calls us in the mornings and when our worldly duties are done in the evening, we must retire to a quiet place to seek Him out in the silence of deep meditation. We can be in the world, but not of the world.

There are a series of practices that help us to this end.

A huge thing that has changed my life is the idea of service. Selfless service. Finding a way each day to help someone in some way. Not in an overly eager or compulsive manner. But in a way where I understand that helping someone is actually helping God in that person. Helping someone who is in fact my very equal, my nearest and dearest, in fact my own self in the body of that other being. So my life now is dedicated the concept of selfless service. It is a daily practice, a moment by moment practice. And the more one does it, the easier and more natural it becomes. I find now that I am effortlessly drawn to the helpful action in each moment. And in each act of selfless help to another, I find more and more of my own joy and happiness.

An example of how this practice has affected my life is that this week I had a voice-over audition for a commercial. I finished recording my audition and my mind began to charge forward to booking the job and how I deserved it and how hard my struggle as an actor has been, etc... When all of the sudden, this prayer washed over me. Not for myself. But for all of the other actors who were also auditioning for this commercial. For all of the actors who don't have the opportunity to audition for this role. For all the people who wished they had become actors who decided instead to have a life of safety and security. For all of the agents who wished their clients would book so they can feed their families. For the casting director who has to listen to the 1,500 auditions and narrow it down to 3. For the client who wishes for the best voice to represent their product. For the people who would hear the commercial and benefit from the product that was being sold. The list goes on... And in that prayer, I find my freedom... from the little self and its desires and demands and expectations.

Another example is that one night I was driving to a workshop with a casting director for animation. I was feeling so hopeless. After 15 years in this town and all of the ups and downs I have endured, I just sometimes can't see how this will ever come to pass. How I will ever get to do what I love in some way that benefits others and allows me to support myself financially doing what I've trained and worked so hard to do. So sitting there at a traffic light in my little moment of self-pity, I happen to look to my right and see a Latina woman in her mid-50s sprinting full force and waving frantically for the bus to stop so that she can get onboard. In that moment, I am instantly shaken awake from my little self, my little world, my little self-pity. The thought hits me that I have had the privilege to chase my little dream, while other people don't have such a privilege. That while I am moping in my car about driving to a casting director workshop with a huge animation industry expert, this woman is sprinting to catch a bus to her second job or to get home to her family who she has had to leave to care for another's family all day. That while I'm crying over my little struggle, there is a much bigger struggle outside of myself. I find that I've moved from self-pity to compassion, and in that I am free.

So how do I serve? First, I volunteer regularly at my temple. I remember 4 years ago when I signed up to be on my first committee, I was asked by the organizer if I could do a 2 hour shift 2 Fridays a month. That felt so overwhelming to commit to, but I just went with it and said, "Sure. If I need to scale it back, I will." Then, funny enough, the next week I was called, "We are actually having trouble filling all of the Friday slots. Can you for the time being do 2 hours every Friday?" Whew, panic set in! Every Friday? There's no way I can possibly commit to every Friday! Well guess what. Here I am 4 1/2 years later, and I have missed only a handful of my Friday shifts. And Fridays are actually my favorite days of the week now. I not only serve on the original committee, but I also stay after my first shift to serve on a second committee, and it has extended beyond Fridays. And through this service, I have met so many wonderful people. I have a whole new circle of special, spiritual, striving, seeking friends who are trying to improve themselves and as a result affecting the world around themselves.

I also volunteer reading to kids in low income schools. It started again with 1 hour once a week. And before long I was asked by another teacher and now I read to 3 classes, 1 1/2 hours once a week. I have done this now for 3 years and it brings me more joy and happiness than I ever could have imagined. I also have a 5th grade pencilpal every year with whom I exchange letters and then meet after the year is up. Again, it fills me with such joy and love! It is beyond words.

I have an 83 year old friend who has been on this spiritual path now for 45 years and has demonstrated the powers of faith, loyalty and steadfast determination. He lost his eyesight a few years ago, so now after I read to my kids in the morning, I go to his house and read to him. It might seem like I'm the one doing the favor, but to be in his presence and to have the blessing of his example before me each week, he is the one giving me the true gift.

My neighbors downstairs from me have a lovely brood of children. One girl age 6 and twin boys age 3 1/2. When the mother needs to drive the girl to school, sometimes I get the gift of watching her boys for a half hour or so. Again, sheer bliss and giggles and laughter and play.

So these are just some examples of how I serve. Some of the little ways I try to give back some of the richness I have received.

I also meditate for an hour each morning and an hour each evening and for 3 hours on Sunday evenings. I study my lessons and scripture daily. I exercise and eat a vegetarian diet. I avoid all intoxicants and limit all stimulants and I practice brahmacharya (celibacy).
Through all these seeming restrictions on my so-called freedom, I have found more freedom than I ever dreamed possible.

Life is still not a cake walk. It has its severe challenges. Mostly on the battlefront within my own self. The battle in my mind to make the right choice in each moment. The choice of kindness over meanness, the choice of generosity over greed, the choice of self-control over sense gratification, the choice between humility and pride, the choice of compassion over jealousy or anger, the choice of meditation and stillness over sensory agitation and restlessness. It is always a choice to move closer to God or to keep him hidden away behind the veil of my ignorance and selfishness.

For a fair balance, a story to illustrate that I don't always make the right choices! I have a neighbor who has been revving a motorcycle engine under my window for 6 straight months. He doesn't ride the said motorcycle because he doesn't have a license for it, and just between me and you, the internet audience, I think he's actually afraid to ride it. So instead, like a little boy, he goes out and turns it on and revs it for 15 minutes, 3 times a week. I have tried to reason with him and have asked him not to make so much noise not only under my window, but also under the windows of 20 other condos. My plea fell on deaf ears and I resigned myself to living with his noise. But then one Sunday he turned the bike on when I was in the middle of a much needed nap... and that was it... after 5 years of meditation and trying to choose the right thing in each moment, I just snapped... and it all went out the window in a split second.... LITERALLY... out the window as I yanked it open and with all the violence of 6 months of pent up seething rage, I screamed "TURN IT OFF!!!!!!!!" Not only did I scream.... I actually shook my fists at him! Hah! He turned it off quite abruptly and I went to my 3 hour meditation that evening. Of course as soon as I got myself quiet enough I could see that screaming in rage, no matter how good it felt in the moment, no matter how justified I may have been, my action was not the soul progressing choice. No one is responsible for my response to life's challenges, but me. One's behavior may be wrong, but my behavior is my own and the one thing I have control over. So I turned to prayer, to love, to forgiveness. I asked to change this violence in myself and remove this darkness from my clouded eyes of ego. I went home calm and knew that I should have prayed for this man instead of yelling at him. So I resolved to do just that..... until..... the following Tuesday when he showed up on my doorstep to confront me over my yelling on Sunday! It took me all of 4 minutes until I was in full on screaming, storming, rage mode again! Shrieking at him! And the worst... the moment I regret above all moments.... and I only confess it here, because it's so awful that it's actually quite humorous... I screamed... literally screamed in his face.... "I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR SOUL!!!!" Yeah. I know. I told you it was bad. Because, ya know, ya always want the girl screaming like a raging lunatic to pray for your soul. I'm sure that God is listening to that nut cake and answering all her prayers! Sigh. Anyway. I ultimately attended a condo home owners association meeting on the subject and the man has since turned off his motorcycle for good. I didn't yell at him once during the meeting... in fact I actually smiled at him and sat very close to him both physically and emotionally during the hearing, knowing that in fact he is my very own and that though his actions are inharmonious, so also can my actions be inharmonious and our way to liberation lies in each other. I did roll my eyes a few times and make a few audible sighs at some of his ridiculous justifications. But I did not yell. And I allowed him to hold the door open for me on the way out as he smiled and told me "I'm not the hell's angel you think I am." I know you're not, Dear One. You are God's own perfect child made in his image and love.

Sigh. So as I say. It isn't perfect out here in this world of delusion. But we do our best.

Oh... and that whole excoriated acne thing, that whole dermatillomania thing, that whole self-mutilation thing... well... I can never be completely away from it. It stares at me from the mirror each morning. But so too stares the miraculous healing power of God who has regrown skin and smoothed roughness and soothed swelling as I never could have imagined. My face is not perfect... or perfect in the sense of worldly beauty. I'm scarred. But I now know that these scars are the results of battle wounds I offer proudly to my beloved God as a symbol of my fight to overcome delusion, darkness and ignorance. Without the fight and without these reminders, I may have forever remained on a path leading to more ignorance and more suffering. But these wounds brought me to my knees, where I glimpsed at last the feet of my beloved Guru sent by God to redeem me. Now I follow him steadfastly and know that he is leading me to ever new, ever conscious, ever blissful existence in God's kingdom of immortality.

Wherever you are, I send you love. I send you healing. I send you my prayers for your safe Homecomings.

Aum, Shanti, Shanti, Peace, Amen.