I am 60 days into my healing process from skin picking and I am going to try and remember all the phases I've gone through in these 2 months and relate them here. It has been an incredibly trying time and I just wish I had had someone who was on my side telling me how much better it was going to get and how long it was going to take for me to heal and let go of the habit. So I'll try and be that person to someone else out there.
First off I just want to say that one thing that has kept me going on this path is knowing that nothing in this world is permanent. "This too, shall pass!" The human body regenerates itself completely pretty much every 7 days. Your skin cells slough and regrow on a minute by minute basis and no illness, disease, ailment or habit will punish you your entire life if you believe it can change and are willing to allow it to change. I've read on a lot of websites that excoriated acne will result in PERMANENT SCARS! Oh my! I just want to say here, that I absolutely one hundred percent JUST DO NOT BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE! Your body has the capability of healing from Cancer, it will heal from a few scars that your fingernails created. I promise!
Now I'm also going to say here, that this may take a long time! How long, I'm not sure, because I am still on the path to discovering that myself, but I can honestly say that in 60 days my skin has drastically improved and that I have 100% faith that it will only continue to improve until it is ultimately completely healed!
I'll break this down as best I can remember.
Recovery Log:
1-10 days no picking: Dramatic healing of open sores, scabs and a fading of the redness around picked areas. New minor breakouts and under grounders, but overall much improved.
11-20 days no picking: Original open sores and scabs have faded to a deep purple color. In areas all around my face, huge areas of mass breakouts. By my mouth and jawline, my neck, my upper cheeks and temples. All areas were former hot spots for picking. The breakouts seem to alternate from the right side of my face to the left side and when one area seems to improve the other area seems to get worse. This is a torturous period for me. Another thing I notice in this time period is that skin that was formally indented, areas where I picked breakouts flat or to a point of deflation of the skin are now puffing up and are very three dimensional. Very large cystic type breakouts are present and my skin throbs and itches a lot. Often in areas where there is itching around under grounders, I wake in the morning to find a patch of white heads where the skin has released what was plugging it. Now on the positive side, the skin between the breakouts is much, much improved. It is white and almost luminescent. A glow is coming back all over my face to skin that was formally dull and dead looking. And the breakouts themselves are contained. It is easy to see definition to each pimple and the skin around the pimples is healthy and bright. Overall redness is much improved.
20-30 days no picking: A general draining down and out of my breakouts. My forehead is completely clear and looks like I never picked it. My temples have a few small individual spots, but is much improved. The skin around my nose and upper checks is clear of breakouts. It is as if the breakouts have moved out of the upper portion of my face and are now centrally located around my mouth and jawline and neck. An amazing thing is happening. Instead of big white heads and cystic pimples, of which I still have a few, but not as many as previously, I am noticing instead individual pores are pushing up hard black heads. I continue to not touch these and usually within about 4 days, they come up and out on their own or with very gentle rubbing with my aloe juice cotton ball. Now that the breakouts are clearing, I am starting to see the true underlying damage I've caused. There are purple colored pockets and grooves and lines in my cheeks. There are purple divots by the corners of my mouth, there is a group of about 4 icepick scars on my right cheek and another further back on the same cheek. My skin is rough in areas and large clumps of hard black heads are coming up at once. As I stretch my face open in front of the mirror I see an overall rough texture to my skin, as if underneath it a whole series of breakouts await me. But there is again an overall glow of newness, aliveness and luminescence.
30-40 days no picking: The breakouts around my jawline and mouth continue, but are much more contained. They cover a much smaller area and I am usually able to predict where they will erupt based on the texture of my underlying skin when I stretch my face (by opening my mouth and eyes wide) in the mirror. I am also now experiencing some new breakouts in my cheek areas that had previously cleared. This time however they are individual pimples, one or two or three rather than 9 or 10 at a time. The divots and dents and craters have faded in color, they are now light colored and less obvious. Depending on the way the light hits them, they can be invisible. The icepick scars are still pronounced, but seem to be shrinking in circumference and filling from underneath with new skin. I still have areas where there are dark colored purple scars that are even with my skin level. Some I have kept track of have been present since the beginning of my healing. Overall texture and brightness much improved!
40-50 days no picking: Some new breakouts on my forehead, but a completely different experience. Since they are on new healthy skin, they are far less pronounced and look like anyone else's healthy skin. My mouth and jawline are much more contained. I wish I could say they were clear, but they aren't yet. New breakouts continue to erupt, but seem to clear much quicker than before. Neck breakouts are level with my skin, but dark purple scars remain. The scarring seems to have lessened in depth and numbers on my cheeks. The deep divots by my mouth are less pronounced and there appear to be fewer of them, but the texture there remains uneven, indented and slightly purple.
50-60 days no picking: The overall texture of my skin is much brighter, smoother, and luminescent. Scars are much faded and improving. Breakouts around my mouth area continue to erupt and heal and occasional breakouts further up on cheeks. Big difference in quality of breakouts. They are mostly red and quickly go through their cycle... as opposed to the breakouts that lasted 20 days in the beginning, the cycle is now about 4 days for a breakout to go through it's whole process. The individual pimples are much smaller in size and don't leave purple scarring when they leave. I can still get incredibly frustrated with the breakouts continuing, but I find fighting it's process with my frustration only increases anxiety and delays healing. I try to continue to surrender to the process and accept each day I am given as an opportunity.
I will continue to document my healing and process! But I wanted others to know that even though I've stopped picking for 2 months, the journey to healing is a long road and I'm just on the path. I also wanted to share the symptoms of the healing process to let others know that the breakouts are to be expected and that the emotions accompanying them are normal! Hopefully 6 months in I can share that the scars are gone and that the breakouts are forever gone!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Action Plan!
So every good picker needs to feel that they are physically doing something to help the process of healing. And why wouldn't we? We've been very physically involved in the destruction process, we should be equally physically involved in the healing process!
I'm going list all the things I'm doing differently in my routine and health. They all seem to be helping me... not only my skin, but also my overall health and happiness.
I was lucky enough to have a friend that went to a natural aesthetician for her skin and who gave me a list of things I could do to help regulate my skin's balance.
1.The first and I believe the most important thing to kick start the healing... she gave me a list of ingredients to avoid in my skin, hair and nail products.
They are as follows:
1.Triethanolamine: mimics estrogen in the body and binds estrogen receptors so men get enlarged prostates and nipple and breast enlargement and erection problems and women have weight struggles and increased risk of breast cancer and menstrual probs and PMS.
2. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate and Sarcosinate: is a cell membrane irritant that destroys protein therefore causing skin and collagen damage and aging. Contributes to hair loss and is a carcinogen.
3.Propylene Glycol-Petroleum derivative. Very inflammatory and irritating to skin and organs, toxic and inflammatory.
4. PEG- carcinogenic, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
5. All Parabens (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR ME! Noticed an immediate difference in redness and swelling by eliminating these from my products.) Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparabeth, Propylparaben, Isobutylparaben and any other cheap antimicrobials, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
6. Ureas-Release formaldehyde- toxic and inflammatory.
7. Any of the forms of acrylates, methlacrylate, etc. Carcinogenic.
8. There are many others like Triclosan and most of the alcohols and synthetic fragrances, are all toxic, inflammatory, carcinogenic, aging.
9. Mineral Oil is like Crisco for the pores, from petroleum- toxic aging and inflammatory.
10. Petrolatum- is inflammatory and is Crisco to the pores- causes acne
Now when you start looking at your labels, you're gonna freak! Cause this stuff is in practically everything! I almost had a heart attack! Don't panic! First of all, I started gradually phasing out products I was using and then replacing them with products free of these ingredients. If you have a Trader Joes near you, most of the products they offer are free of all of these ingredients.
As for makeups, primarily foundations, I use Lo real Bare Naturals now. An affordable alternative to Bare Essentials. And Bare Essentials Mineral Veil actually has parabens in it. Aveda has great hair products that are free of most of these ingredients and won't make your hair look like straw! And Whole Foods carries Alba sunscreens which are chemical free and great! That should help get you started!
2.The next thing and again hugely important. I simply stopped washing my face so much! I now wash my face only once a day at night before I go to bed. I use Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Cheap, chemical free and naturally effective. Simple as it gets.
3. In the morning when I wake up, I drink about 3 oz. of Aloe Juice. (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Great health benefits including skin. I then use this same aloe juice as a toner on my face skin before I apply sun screen or moisturizer, morning (after my shower, not washing my face with soap) and night after I wash my face.
It gets blood circulating up and my face turns bright red, but fades about 10 minutes later. No burning or pain, just flush.
4. I stopped exfoliating so frequently. I kept thinking if I sloughed off my skin it would help it release the acne. But in truth it was damaging the collagen that was rebuilding my skin. I now exfoliate once every 2 weeksish with Kimberly Fayer Jojoba Bead exfoliate....very very mild and chemical free. (I am now, June 16th, going to exfoliate with baking soda (see #19)... although I'm going to wait until my breakouts are gone to start this... exfoliating seems to aggravate them and causes new eruptions. I may just cut out exfoliating all together. Still to be determined.)
5. I'm taking the following vitamins: Some are from Perricone's plan and some are from this aesthetician. They all seem to be helping. With the exception of the DMAE which I buy at Whole Foods, all the vitamins can be found at Trader Joes and are very affordable. I just take them once a day with food.
Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Spirulina, Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc combo pill, DMAE, Alpha Lipoic Acid
I'm going list all the things I'm doing differently in my routine and health. They all seem to be helping me... not only my skin, but also my overall health and happiness.
I was lucky enough to have a friend that went to a natural aesthetician for her skin and who gave me a list of things I could do to help regulate my skin's balance.
1.The first and I believe the most important thing to kick start the healing... she gave me a list of ingredients to avoid in my skin, hair and nail products.
They are as follows:
1.Triethanolamine: mimics estrogen in the body and binds estrogen receptors so men get enlarged prostates and nipple and breast enlargement and erection problems and women have weight struggles and increased risk of breast cancer and menstrual probs and PMS.
2. Sodium Lauryl Sulfate and Sarcosinate: is a cell membrane irritant that destroys protein therefore causing skin and collagen damage and aging. Contributes to hair loss and is a carcinogen.
3.Propylene Glycol-Petroleum derivative. Very inflammatory and irritating to skin and organs, toxic and inflammatory.
4. PEG- carcinogenic, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
5. All Parabens (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR ME! Noticed an immediate difference in redness and swelling by eliminating these from my products.) Methylparaben, Butylparaben, Ethylparabeth, Propylparaben, Isobutylparaben and any other cheap antimicrobials, toxic and inflammatory and aging.
6. Ureas-Release formaldehyde- toxic and inflammatory.
7. Any of the forms of acrylates, methlacrylate, etc. Carcinogenic.
8. There are many others like Triclosan and most of the alcohols and synthetic fragrances, are all toxic, inflammatory, carcinogenic, aging.
9. Mineral Oil is like Crisco for the pores, from petroleum- toxic aging and inflammatory.
10. Petrolatum- is inflammatory and is Crisco to the pores- causes acne
Now when you start looking at your labels, you're gonna freak! Cause this stuff is in practically everything! I almost had a heart attack! Don't panic! First of all, I started gradually phasing out products I was using and then replacing them with products free of these ingredients. If you have a Trader Joes near you, most of the products they offer are free of all of these ingredients.
As for makeups, primarily foundations, I use Lo real Bare Naturals now. An affordable alternative to Bare Essentials. And Bare Essentials Mineral Veil actually has parabens in it. Aveda has great hair products that are free of most of these ingredients and won't make your hair look like straw! And Whole Foods carries Alba sunscreens which are chemical free and great! That should help get you started!
2.The next thing and again hugely important. I simply stopped washing my face so much! I now wash my face only once a day at night before I go to bed. I use Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Cheap, chemical free and naturally effective. Simple as it gets.
3. In the morning when I wake up, I drink about 3 oz. of Aloe Juice. (Trader Joes, Whole Foods). Great health benefits including skin. I then use this same aloe juice as a toner on my face skin before I apply sun screen or moisturizer, morning (after my shower, not washing my face with soap) and night after I wash my face.
It gets blood circulating up and my face turns bright red, but fades about 10 minutes later. No burning or pain, just flush.
4. I stopped exfoliating so frequently. I kept thinking if I sloughed off my skin it would help it release the acne. But in truth it was damaging the collagen that was rebuilding my skin. I now exfoliate once every 2 weeksish with Kimberly Fayer Jojoba Bead exfoliate....very very mild and chemical free. (I am now, June 16th, going to exfoliate with baking soda (see #19)... although I'm going to wait until my breakouts are gone to start this... exfoliating seems to aggravate them and causes new eruptions. I may just cut out exfoliating all together. Still to be determined.)
5. I'm taking the following vitamins: Some are from Perricone's plan and some are from this aesthetician. They all seem to be helping. With the exception of the DMAE which I buy at Whole Foods, all the vitamins can be found at Trader Joes and are very affordable. I just take them once a day with food.
Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Spirulina, Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc combo pill, DMAE, Alpha Lipoic Acid
(A little side note here, if you take a Vitamin B complex and experience a burst of red hot rising under your skin, your ears feel like they're on fire, your elbows and knees are red, etc.... don't worry, it's called a Niacin Flush and it's a sign of your capillaries opening. Google search Niacin Flush and read up.)
6. I moisturize my face well in the evening and use Alba sunscreen during the day. Moisture is key!
7. I drink a lot of water! Not excessively, but a lot! The guideline I go by is 1 Quart of water (4 cups) for every 50 pounds of body weight.
8. Now what to do about those pesky white heads that keep popping up! Get ready. This may not be the case for everyone, but for me, part of the healing process has been that once I stopped picking, my skin started forcing out every single bit I had pushed down into it for 4 years! 4 years can accumulate a lot of bacteria and cells and dead skin! I made a promise not to pick, but those white heads are pretty hard to deal with. So here's what I do.... if I wake up and have them, I just make myself wait until I get in the shower. I try not to touch them at all. Usually they will just release themselves under the shower flow. But if they are still there I just gently rub a cotton ball with the aloe juice on it, GENTLY!!!!!!!! and they will usually release. The ones near my mouth are amazing, if I push my tongue on the inside and run with the cotton ball on the skin, often times I can literally see the pore unplug itself and push out a little ball! It's incredible! And it's something I didn't know was possible for all those years, because I was too busy thinking I was making it better by picking! All along my body just wanted to push it up and out and reseal behind it! So that's what it's doing now! Wish I had known that years ago!
9. I change or flip my pillowcase every single night! Think of your pillowcase as underwear for your skin! You wouldn't want to wear your drawers twice. Well, your face doesn't want to be crammed in the same oil, skin cells, bacteria and drool night after night either.
10. I walk! A lot! I walk for at least 30 minutes a day, and in my worst moments of picking I would make sure that I walked for at least an hour. Being out in nature works wonders on releasing my need to pick. It reminds me that I am a smaller piece in a big beautiful healthy functioning world. And when I get home I'm usually tired enough to not even want to pick.
11. I read a lot! The act of reading is so different from the non-act of watching TV or playing on the computer. It is an active process while the others create passive behavior which can trigger an episode of picking.
12. I limit my use of the computer to 30 mins. a day in the evening and watch TV only in the evenings. It has helped me a lot in the moment by moment focus on not picking to have peaceful quiet reflective time in my day. Instead I read, journal, meditate, think, walk, cook, knit, practice yoga etc... It has increased my overall quality of life and just makes me feel happy!
13. I separate my picking habits from all other activities. So basically I say, if I'm watching TV I will not be picking. If I'm on the computer, I will not be picking. If I want to pick, I say, I'll set special time aside to pick. What ends up happening of course is that I don't want to pick in the time that I've consciously set aside for it. I also ask my body, "Body, do you want me to pick at you?" and I usually hear a very clear internal answer of "NO!" This is a key thing in breaking habit. Separate the habit from the habitual places and make the habit the sole focus. It will go away on it's own.
14. I have distanced myself from my social group and have focused my time and energy on healing of myself.
15. Once a week, before I get in the shower, I give myself a gentle all over body massage with sesame oil. Sesame oil is Nature's wonder. It is anti bacterial and soothing and has a million other qualities that I'm not even sure I know. So I start at the top of my scalp and rub about a tsp. of sesame oil in at my scalp level and then gradually progress down the rest of my body ending at the tips of my toes. I then let it soak into my skin for 5 minutes before I get in the shower and wash up. This little act of self love has put me back in contact with my skin and body in a healthy way and has replaced mean angry self picking touch with loving and soothing and caressing touch.
16. One of the latest things I'm doing is owning to myself and others... those who are concerned with my skin and see it as a dermatological issue... I am simply allowing myself to say, "Thank you for your concern. I am actually recovering from a mental health disorder rather than a physical ailment and I am in the process of healing." This owning of being in a state of healing and shifting the focus off my skin and on to a more whole view of me and what I am recovering from, opens the doors to compassion and love and more complete understanding from the people around me.
17. The last thing is that I am just giving in and surrendering more and more to my own body's function, healing and time table for doing so. I am trying to not rush the process, but rather let my healing and recovery unfold before me in the now!
18. I'm adding this! I read that Karen Allen loves Witch Hazel for her skin and then after doing a little research I saw that it would be a great thing to add to my routine. So for the last week (I'm adding this line June 7th) I've been using Thayer's Witch Hazel Toner with calming Lavender! I use it following the aloe juice toner and before I mosturize! Important note here! Any Witch Hazel will do, but make sure there is no alcohol in the ingredient list! Thayer's offers 3 different formulas, but one of them contains alcohol.... so just read the labels. Among it's positive properties, Witch Hazel is said to be a powerful anti inflammatory agent, a bruise and scar reducer, a pore shrinker, a moisturizer and a skin tone evener! In one week I already notice a huge difference!
19. June 16th, I'm adding this. I am now adding a baking soda mask to my regimen. I googled it after hearing it may help in acne and found many positive reviews of it. One suggested mixing water and baking soda to a consistancy resembling milk and patting it over the skin and then allowing it to dry for 30 mins. As it dries it forms a white mask that sucks stuff out. In just 4 days, it has dramatically reduced my breakouts and is bringing stuff that was lurking under my skin to the surface without overdrying my skin. The reviewer was so positive about it and encouraged that it will help even the cystic pimples, it just needs a longer time to penetrate them... so small breakouts clear within one to two days and cystic in a week or so. So far that has been about my experience with it. I am doing it twice a day to begin with and will cut back to once a day as breakouts heal. I am also steaming my face after washing it in the evening for 15 minutes to help my pores open and release. I apply the mask immediately after this and it is really effective at not only pulling stuff out, but softening the hard black heads and my skin texture overall. It feels like a miracle product! I'll continue to update on progress with it. (Little update, it did end up overdrying a bit, but helped so much in clearing. So I'm going to just use it once a week from now on. June 23)
Waking Up and Finding My Light: One day at a time!
I am now 2 months into my healing process and while I believe I have a long road ahead of me, I also believe the worst has passed.
For anyone reading this blog who is a skin picker, you know how hard it is to make it one day without picking, much less 2 months, 60 full days. I know that 60 days ago it was impossible for me to imagine being where I am now. I offer this example of hope for someone out there, fighting to make it just one hour without picking.
Like most pickers, at some point I was able to see that I was causing more damage than I was doing good to my skin. I could see that when I was able to make it one full day or three full days, or sometimes even a week that my skin would improve. And then what would happen is a whole new round of breakouts would occur and I would freak out and start picking again.
What I have come to believe in this process is that I have done such severe damage to my skin with the picking that it is going to have to go through many, many rounds of expulsion in order to fully heal itself. And watching my skin for the past 60 days has given me incredible faith in the natural healing powers of the human body. It is absolutely incredible! It has powers I never knew before and if one positive thing comes from all of this, just seeing my miraculous body in action is a gift I know I will carry forward with me.
I had been flirting with stopping picking for quite a while... making it three days and then regressing, then making it four days... but I just couldn't quite get over the hump.
A key thing happened in my life at this point. Which I believe will happen for anyone who wants to make a change and needs a true reason to do so. The reason will present itself.
My high school drama teacher called me up out of the blue and wanted to get together for coffee. It had been 9 years since I had seen him and he is one of the dearest people in my life. His belief in my talent set me on my path and I am forever grateful that.
So we went out to coffee and as I sat across from him I became overwhelmed with emotion. What was amazing to me is that I felt as though I had been through hell and back and that I was in bad shape, but he just sat there and listened to me and what I had been doing with my life and he smiled and he laughed and he kept saying "Good for you Butterfly! Good for you!" And I realized he didn't even see the outer damage I had created, he only saw the same girl he taught and loved 9 years ago. Same soul, different package! I realized that after the trauma I had gone through in my relationships and in my self destruction I was now sitting across the table from true pure unconditional LOVE! I walked out of the cafe feeling like I was floating and my heart felt like someone had used a chisel and managed to crack off a hard coating and that it was now pumping for the first time in years. That love carried me home and started me on my 60 day path. I believe it was the awakening of unconditional SELF love and that is the only thing any of us can hope to find.
Now anyone reading this is thinking... how nice, but I can't do it! It's too ingrained! It's too hard!
Listen to me! I have been there and even with the love in my heart, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done! Ever!
The only way I have managed to make it 60 days is that I have taken it literally moment by moment. I didn't keep track of the exact day count, all I focused on was from the moment I woke up saying "I just have to make it through today. No picking today. I will not pick at myself today" Periodically through the day I would look at the clock and I would say, "It's 3 pm. I just have to make it 7 more hours to bed time." And at 4pm, "Look, You've made it Butterfly! You've made it another hour. Only 6 more until bed." I had set goals before of trying to make it 30 days and failed every time, but just focusing on making it through one day at a time is how I've managed to make it this far. And it has given me a tool to use even now, 60 days in. Just the thought "I just have to make it through today!" relaxes my breath and any panic I feel building melts away. I have to keep reminding myself to be brave and to pray for patience and strength. Periodically in the day when I find myself in the grips of a momentary need to pick, I just say to myself "I pray in this moment for patience and strength."
And patience and strength is exactly what I need on this journey. It is an incredibly long and difficult one with many twists and turns in the road.
My story:
I encourage anyone on this path to healing to look back and find the starting point of your skin picking and identify what was going on in your life at the time you first noticed you were picking. It helps to find the root cause of where you were and therefore to move forward with that information.
In my case, my picking started 4 years ago. Looking back I can see how vulnerable I was and how little it took to set me on my path.
I had been, up to that point, a very happy, well rounded, energetic young woman with a bright outlook on life. I was just coming out of a relationship with an older man and though my rational mind was aware that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and healthy, a deeper emotional mind thought that I had done something to cause the end. A therapist would quickly point out that the rejection of this older man was very similar to the rejection I felt when I was 12 and my father walked out on my mother and me. Duh! :) I see now that I was very angry with my ex boyfriend and I had nowhere to vent that anger.... I couldn't give it to him as he wouldn't even return my phone calls when I was trying to end the relationship. And I didn't want to vent it to the people who loved me and wanted the best for me in my life. So the only person left to vent it at was myself.
Also at this critical time, an old female friend reemerged in my life. We had gone our separate ways in college and now found ourselves back in the same town and on a similar career path. We reconnected and began spending a lot of time together. I did not know it at the time, but I was opening the door wide open for a sociopath to walk into my life. This "friend" is how the seed of skin picking got planted. I was the fertile soil and water that helped it to grow.
Growing up I had always been an outgoing kid who loved to talk and express myself openly. I went through my ugly duckling phase and pre-braces developed the nickname "Bucky" for my protruding overbite. And the feeling that I was going to just have to be happy with being ugly for the rest of my life set in. I moved forward and developed a lot of other aspects of myself to make up for the lack of beauty I possessed. I was a straight A student, president of the speech and debate club, a foreign exchange student who learned to speak fluent French and a star of the high school stage. I not only just got through high school, but I managed to find joy and happiness in who I was.
Then in college something changed. I don't know what it was, but suddenly the opposite sex found me incredibly attractive. I was getting asked out left and right, had guys honking at me on my walks, had the male staff at the restaurant I worked at howling at me, "Mamasita, you make me CRAZY!!!!" and had landed smack dab in the middle of a relationship with a gorgeous hunk of a man 13 years my senior. For a girl who had decided to just be happy in my unattractiveness, this was shocking to say the least. And the truth is, it brought about a lot of internal uncertainty. I had found a way to negotiate the world as ugly, but this new development was something I had not expected and quite frankly was not prepared to deal with. I felt both thrilled at the attention and terrified of it. Deep down, I just didn't believe I deserved it and I was afraid that the world would catch on... that the void left in me when all of these oglers vanished would be too great for a little girl like me to bear. A part of me was already scrambling for a way out of this dreadful life of attractiveness.
So cut to the end of said relationship and the entering of my sociopathic "friend".
My "friend" and I are in a competitive career field where physical aesthetics are very highly rated. Okay, I'll just say it. We're actresses. In a field of this high level of competition, I did what I've always done... I've minimized my physical attributes where I couldn't possibly compete and focused instead on all the other aspects I could develop. I trained at a well respected school, I got myself in a very respected theatre company, I played unattractive characters with heart and soul and I learned to use text to my benefit. In other areas of my life I learned to cook, to knit, I practice yoga, I learned to nurture and care for others in 4 years of dog sitting, house sitting, and babysitting, etc. I was strong and happy and content. And in a competitive relationship/friendship, I was dangerous. I was a threat that must be neutralized. So very casually at first, and then not so casually in the end, this "friend" started dropping hints that there was something wrong with me... primarily with my skin.
Now I had had skin issues all my life, or at least perceived skin issues. My brother had had full blown acne when he was younger and our family had a history of skin problems. I can remember a moment when I was a tween and my mom discovered a few blackheads on my nose and flipped out. I think her worst fear was that I would go through what my brother had gone through and so she overreacted. She started pushing and prying and nail digging my nose and thus, the introduction to skin picking was accomplished. Then I battled the occasional breakout and tried pretty much every remedy known to man, short of harmful toxic products like acutane. In college I got myself on the pill and discovered Proactive and pretty much got it under control. (Looking back now, it was only a matter of time until it would have cleared up on it's own. And I don't recommend Proactive as I think it causes an enlarging of the pores that damages the naturally healthy skin. People told me after I went off of it that my skin was starting to look really grainy and that now that I had stopped my pores were shrinking)
But now here we are again and this friend is reintroducing a seed of a fear I already had. "You know, Butterfly, I hear you won't get cast if you have even the slightest breakout. You should really do something about that. Take accutane. It'll clear it right up." And then a subtle daily comment about my skin and then an hourly comment about my skin and then a minute by minute comment until suddenly, my skin was the only thing she could talk about.
Naturally my hand crept up to my face and out came the magnifying mirror and suddenly I was spending hours a day staring at the pores on my face and picking. It began as conscious activity and it quickly moved into my unconscious habit driven mind. All hours of the day, no matter what I was doing, watching TV, stuck in traffic, sitting my babies, laying down to sleep... there was not a moment where my silent unconscious hand was not creeping like some eerie detached spider up and down the sides of my cheek, my neck, my forehead, my chin, my chest, etc. My fingernails would pinch furiously at my skin and where there was no bump, they would pick and scratch until a bump formed. I would pick until I bled, really, really bled and until my face burned and my skin was bruised. And then I would go in and see what I had done and panic!!!!!!!!!!!! But the insane thing is that I had convinced myself that what I was seeing was what my friend was talking about. "I have the worst acne! I have the worst skin! I will never have the career of my dreams! Look at my horrible skin!" And then I'd frantically try to wash away the evidence and apply the anti-acne creams and lotions and go to bed and cry.
Over time, my self confidence and happiness and contentedness vanished. I found it incredibly difficult to go out in public. People who had known me before this started reacted very strongly. They loved me, of course, and they wanted the best for me. And unfortunately they didn't know what was really going on, so they started offering me money to see dermatologists and some senior actor friends who knew what I was capable of as an actress started saying things like "Butterfly, it's time for you to get your skin under control. You are too good of an actress and this is holding you back." I can see now that this was like throwing fuel on a raging fire. It just convinced me further that my skin was the problem. It made me feel more hopeless and isolated and it proved what I'd always feared would happen... the people who loved me only loved me when I was pretty and now that I was ugly again, they were going to leave me. That was it. The stage was set and I was ready to play my part.
And so began a 4 year dark period of my life. A 4 year period that I believe has caused a death of something very precious in my soul. A 4 year period that will have a lasting effect on my life. But a 4 year period that is now over. I have been walking down a very dark tunnel and I am now beginning to see the glimpse of light from the other end. I'm moving slowly and steadily towards it and with each step I am getting closer to wholeness and happiness and healing.
In my case, my picking started 4 years ago. Looking back I can see how vulnerable I was and how little it took to set me on my path.
I had been, up to that point, a very happy, well rounded, energetic young woman with a bright outlook on life. I was just coming out of a relationship with an older man and though my rational mind was aware that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and healthy, a deeper emotional mind thought that I had done something to cause the end. A therapist would quickly point out that the rejection of this older man was very similar to the rejection I felt when I was 12 and my father walked out on my mother and me. Duh! :) I see now that I was very angry with my ex boyfriend and I had nowhere to vent that anger.... I couldn't give it to him as he wouldn't even return my phone calls when I was trying to end the relationship. And I didn't want to vent it to the people who loved me and wanted the best for me in my life. So the only person left to vent it at was myself.
Also at this critical time, an old female friend reemerged in my life. We had gone our separate ways in college and now found ourselves back in the same town and on a similar career path. We reconnected and began spending a lot of time together. I did not know it at the time, but I was opening the door wide open for a sociopath to walk into my life. This "friend" is how the seed of skin picking got planted. I was the fertile soil and water that helped it to grow.
Growing up I had always been an outgoing kid who loved to talk and express myself openly. I went through my ugly duckling phase and pre-braces developed the nickname "Bucky" for my protruding overbite. And the feeling that I was going to just have to be happy with being ugly for the rest of my life set in. I moved forward and developed a lot of other aspects of myself to make up for the lack of beauty I possessed. I was a straight A student, president of the speech and debate club, a foreign exchange student who learned to speak fluent French and a star of the high school stage. I not only just got through high school, but I managed to find joy and happiness in who I was.
Then in college something changed. I don't know what it was, but suddenly the opposite sex found me incredibly attractive. I was getting asked out left and right, had guys honking at me on my walks, had the male staff at the restaurant I worked at howling at me, "Mamasita, you make me CRAZY!!!!" and had landed smack dab in the middle of a relationship with a gorgeous hunk of a man 13 years my senior. For a girl who had decided to just be happy in my unattractiveness, this was shocking to say the least. And the truth is, it brought about a lot of internal uncertainty. I had found a way to negotiate the world as ugly, but this new development was something I had not expected and quite frankly was not prepared to deal with. I felt both thrilled at the attention and terrified of it. Deep down, I just didn't believe I deserved it and I was afraid that the world would catch on... that the void left in me when all of these oglers vanished would be too great for a little girl like me to bear. A part of me was already scrambling for a way out of this dreadful life of attractiveness.
So cut to the end of said relationship and the entering of my sociopathic "friend".
My "friend" and I are in a competitive career field where physical aesthetics are very highly rated. Okay, I'll just say it. We're actresses. In a field of this high level of competition, I did what I've always done... I've minimized my physical attributes where I couldn't possibly compete and focused instead on all the other aspects I could develop. I trained at a well respected school, I got myself in a very respected theatre company, I played unattractive characters with heart and soul and I learned to use text to my benefit. In other areas of my life I learned to cook, to knit, I practice yoga, I learned to nurture and care for others in 4 years of dog sitting, house sitting, and babysitting, etc. I was strong and happy and content. And in a competitive relationship/friendship, I was dangerous. I was a threat that must be neutralized. So very casually at first, and then not so casually in the end, this "friend" started dropping hints that there was something wrong with me... primarily with my skin.
Now I had had skin issues all my life, or at least perceived skin issues. My brother had had full blown acne when he was younger and our family had a history of skin problems. I can remember a moment when I was a tween and my mom discovered a few blackheads on my nose and flipped out. I think her worst fear was that I would go through what my brother had gone through and so she overreacted. She started pushing and prying and nail digging my nose and thus, the introduction to skin picking was accomplished. Then I battled the occasional breakout and tried pretty much every remedy known to man, short of harmful toxic products like acutane. In college I got myself on the pill and discovered Proactive and pretty much got it under control. (Looking back now, it was only a matter of time until it would have cleared up on it's own. And I don't recommend Proactive as I think it causes an enlarging of the pores that damages the naturally healthy skin. People told me after I went off of it that my skin was starting to look really grainy and that now that I had stopped my pores were shrinking)
But now here we are again and this friend is reintroducing a seed of a fear I already had. "You know, Butterfly, I hear you won't get cast if you have even the slightest breakout. You should really do something about that. Take accutane. It'll clear it right up." And then a subtle daily comment about my skin and then an hourly comment about my skin and then a minute by minute comment until suddenly, my skin was the only thing she could talk about.
Naturally my hand crept up to my face and out came the magnifying mirror and suddenly I was spending hours a day staring at the pores on my face and picking. It began as conscious activity and it quickly moved into my unconscious habit driven mind. All hours of the day, no matter what I was doing, watching TV, stuck in traffic, sitting my babies, laying down to sleep... there was not a moment where my silent unconscious hand was not creeping like some eerie detached spider up and down the sides of my cheek, my neck, my forehead, my chin, my chest, etc. My fingernails would pinch furiously at my skin and where there was no bump, they would pick and scratch until a bump formed. I would pick until I bled, really, really bled and until my face burned and my skin was bruised. And then I would go in and see what I had done and panic!!!!!!!!!!!! But the insane thing is that I had convinced myself that what I was seeing was what my friend was talking about. "I have the worst acne! I have the worst skin! I will never have the career of my dreams! Look at my horrible skin!" And then I'd frantically try to wash away the evidence and apply the anti-acne creams and lotions and go to bed and cry.
Over time, my self confidence and happiness and contentedness vanished. I found it incredibly difficult to go out in public. People who had known me before this started reacted very strongly. They loved me, of course, and they wanted the best for me. And unfortunately they didn't know what was really going on, so they started offering me money to see dermatologists and some senior actor friends who knew what I was capable of as an actress started saying things like "Butterfly, it's time for you to get your skin under control. You are too good of an actress and this is holding you back." I can see now that this was like throwing fuel on a raging fire. It just convinced me further that my skin was the problem. It made me feel more hopeless and isolated and it proved what I'd always feared would happen... the people who loved me only loved me when I was pretty and now that I was ugly again, they were going to leave me. That was it. The stage was set and I was ready to play my part.
And so began a 4 year dark period of my life. A 4 year period that I believe has caused a death of something very precious in my soul. A 4 year period that will have a lasting effect on my life. But a 4 year period that is now over. I have been walking down a very dark tunnel and I am now beginning to see the glimpse of light from the other end. I'm moving slowly and steadily towards it and with each step I am getting closer to wholeness and happiness and healing.
Why I'm writing this blog: Hope for skin pickers!
I decided to write this blog when I searched the web for the success stories of skin pickers and found a lot of people struggling on the path, but very few uplifting or inspiring stories.
What I was hoping to find was a story of someone who had stopped picking and had amazing results to share. I wanted to know how long it took for them to get through the worst of it and how long it took them to break the habit. I wanted to know if their scars were fading and how long it was taking. I wanted to know what caused them to change and how it was affecting the rest of their lives.
What I found instead was a lot of people like myself, begging for someone out there to share this hope with them. And I found a lot of medical information from an establishment looking to create profit for themselves. It was so discouraging to see a message board with someone begging for help and hope and support, filled with responses from analytical doctors giving them gobbly goop information about "blah blah, this is your disorder and you have to take an antidepressant and blah, blah". We live in a world of the medical industrial complex, where there is constant pressure on us to ask our doctors and just take a pill and all will be well.
In my journey to healing I have tried to find a way to avoid this system and trust myself.
So I've decided to write this blog and document my journey and hopefully help someone else out there in the world looking for this type of story. And maybe help myself in the process.
What I was hoping to find was a story of someone who had stopped picking and had amazing results to share. I wanted to know how long it took for them to get through the worst of it and how long it took them to break the habit. I wanted to know if their scars were fading and how long it was taking. I wanted to know what caused them to change and how it was affecting the rest of their lives.
What I found instead was a lot of people like myself, begging for someone out there to share this hope with them. And I found a lot of medical information from an establishment looking to create profit for themselves. It was so discouraging to see a message board with someone begging for help and hope and support, filled with responses from analytical doctors giving them gobbly goop information about "blah blah, this is your disorder and you have to take an antidepressant and blah, blah". We live in a world of the medical industrial complex, where there is constant pressure on us to ask our doctors and just take a pill and all will be well.
In my journey to healing I have tried to find a way to avoid this system and trust myself.
So I've decided to write this blog and document my journey and hopefully help someone else out there in the world looking for this type of story. And maybe help myself in the process.
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