In reading Anatomy of the Spirit and looking at the energy fields of the body, I noticed that the primary location where my skin continues to erupt in painful and horribly unattractive batches is in the area of my 5th Chakra. This section of the body's energy field relates to surrendering personal will to divine will.
In realizing this I see that I have been so actively focused in my healing process, so hands-on, but it has been from a very analytical point of view, using my rational knowledge of the world, healing and my body. It has also been very time driven, a constant focus on how long this is taking and a focus to the future of a life without this illness. And my body consciousness, meaning my focus on my physical body, is completely out of balance with the whole and complete essence of my entire being.
My biggest challenge in this process is to turn over my will to God. To surrender to this process. To lay down any personal hopes that I have in this and let what will be, be.
So starting yesterday, I have covered my mirrors in my house with cloths and posted a note reminding myself "Thy will, not mine, be done." And repeating a dialogue/prayer in my thoughts "This healing is Your healing. This suffering is Your suffering. I heal as You intend me to heal. I endure as You intend me to endure." A constant surrender to whatever is out there. Laying down my WILL. Accepting this moment as it is and not as I wish it to be.
Already, in just one day, changing the pattern of constantly looking at every minute detail of my skin, every pore, every eruption, every scar, every patch of clear skin, has profoundly reduced my anxiety. It has also freed all of that energy and TIME I was spending in front a mirror for me to use in developing other areas of my life. It feels like one of the best things I've done for myself!
I'll report the results as they appear!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Reference Books
A lot of the courage and mental and spiritual strength I have found in this healing process has come from the literature I have been reading so I thought I would share the books here. Maybe they'll help anyone who's looking for inspiration and strength in this journey.
1. Legacy of Luna by Julia Butterfly Hill (Courageous young woman who surrendered to God's will and sat in a Redwood tree for 2 years protesting clear cutting. A journey back to nature and to trusting a power higher than oneself. And a huge testament to the power of patience!)
2. Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda (I'm not sure a more compassionate, loving or inspirational spiritual story exists. Life changing book.)
3. When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd (A book about transformation, growth, change and the power of waiting for a path to be revealed, trust and faith.)
4. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss (A book about the body's energy system and healing process from a spiritual perspective. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. )
5. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay (A book about the bigger picture of illness and suffering. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. Filled with positive affirmations.)
6. The Body has a Mind of Its Own by Sandra Blakeslee and Matthew Blakeslee (A study of the body maps of the brain and how the mind-body connection can change and improve our lives. Asks and identifies scientific reasoning to questions like "Why do we still feel fat after losing weight? Provides a look at causes of anorexia, bulimia, obsessive plastic surgery, etc...)
7. Diary of a Woman's Search by Radha (A story of a Canadian woman who lives with her spiritual teacher, guru, in India for a year and the transformation of her spirituality. An easy read for Western audience journeying to surrender to a different way of being.)
8. Magical Mind Magical Body by Deepak Chopra (I listened to this on cassettes that a friend lent me, but there may be a book version. Deepak filled with love and compassion. He gives you information about overcoming addiction and practical information about the body's natural regeneration process. Useful techniques in both changing the thinking process associated with healing and also physical practices to help your body heal. A wonderful blend of science, spirituality, and medicine.)
9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel (Lovely fiction about patience, love, acceptance of one's life circumstances and spiritual journey.)
1. Legacy of Luna by Julia Butterfly Hill (Courageous young woman who surrendered to God's will and sat in a Redwood tree for 2 years protesting clear cutting. A journey back to nature and to trusting a power higher than oneself. And a huge testament to the power of patience!)
2. Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda (I'm not sure a more compassionate, loving or inspirational spiritual story exists. Life changing book.)
3. When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd (A book about transformation, growth, change and the power of waiting for a path to be revealed, trust and faith.)
4. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss (A book about the body's energy system and healing process from a spiritual perspective. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. )
5. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay (A book about the bigger picture of illness and suffering. Helps identify deeper root emotional issues that create illness and dis-ease in the body. Filled with positive affirmations.)
6. The Body has a Mind of Its Own by Sandra Blakeslee and Matthew Blakeslee (A study of the body maps of the brain and how the mind-body connection can change and improve our lives. Asks and identifies scientific reasoning to questions like "Why do we still feel fat after losing weight? Provides a look at causes of anorexia, bulimia, obsessive plastic surgery, etc...)
7. Diary of a Woman's Search by Radha (A story of a Canadian woman who lives with her spiritual teacher, guru, in India for a year and the transformation of her spirituality. An easy read for Western audience journeying to surrender to a different way of being.)
8. Magical Mind Magical Body by Deepak Chopra (I listened to this on cassettes that a friend lent me, but there may be a book version. Deepak filled with love and compassion. He gives you information about overcoming addiction and practical information about the body's natural regeneration process. Useful techniques in both changing the thinking process associated with healing and also physical practices to help your body heal. A wonderful blend of science, spirituality, and medicine.)
9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel (Lovely fiction about patience, love, acceptance of one's life circumstances and spiritual journey.)
Monday, June 16, 2008
3 months clean today!!!!
If I was in AA, I'd get my 3 month clean coin today and walking up to collect it in a meeting with others struggling on the path to sobriety would feel like a celebration and victory over my disease. But I'm not in AA, I'm at home allowing this healing process and am my own silent witness to my celebration!
3 Months have passed since I began this journey and every single day has been a lesson in patience and strength. There were days that I like to call my "burka days" where I was thinking of not leaving the house without a full covering separating my healing, fragile skin from the harsh reality of the outside world. There were social obligations to be met and facing groups of people while my skin was in full expulsion mode was like stepping into hell's fiery embrace. Every minute required courage and faith and constant vigilance on my part to insure that no stressful situation caused me to go back on all the work I had achieved and my promise to myself that I will not pick no matter what.
As recently as one week ago, my skin was a mine field of swollen, puffy, red and purple mounds and rough patchy blackheads and my hope that I was nearing the end of the worst was crushed. But I can honestly say, that making it through that week and finding a love of baking soda masks (more description at the bottom of my action plan blog) has helped to propel me to the other side. I feel today like I'm turning a new leaf, like I've made it up the side of a horrendously steep mountain and I'm seeing the view of my final destination for the first time... I know the climb down is going to be treacherous and difficult as well, but seeing the other side of the mountain and the gorgeous valley below gives me new legs and after resting and enjoying the fruits of my effort, I'll be ready to continue on my way.
As for the habit pattern itself, I have to say that although the urge to pick can creep in unconsciously when my mind is tired or I'm trapped in feelings of inadequacy, it is a distant thought and a more prevailing wisdom in me will not allow it to take over my being. And having made it this far on the path, I do not want to have to go through this expulsion process ever again! An inner state of balance in me knows that I can not go back... only forward from here.
And the result is that my skin is healing! Truly, truly healing. I am not going to lie and say that it is all flowers and candy and kittens and my skin is flawless.... it isn't. But I do feel that I have made it to the downward climb.... I feel like the eruptions will be less frequent, less dense and less time in healing from now on. I feel like I've finally found a routine that works and the breakouts have gotten to a point of being tolerable. The purple scarring is almost all faded and the major cystic breakouts are so minimal... right now they are confined to an area of my neck where there were previous dark purple scars. The overall texture is smooth and bright especially on my forehead which has been clear for the longest period of time. My nose and the skin under my eyes and upper cheeks is the clearest it's been in 4 years and bright and glowing. My upper rear cheeks still continue to have minor eruptions and are right now covered in patches of little black heads and hard pores that are softening and releasing daily with my baking soda masks and evening steams. The skin around my mouth which was the worst area of my picking continues to erupt and push stuff out... this area has required the greatest amount of patience and love, and I am now seeing the first signs that it will clear completely and heal. I'm not sure how long this will take, but I feel it may be sooner rather than later.
So here I am, 3 months in, finally breathing a sigh of relief and praying that this clearing and healing continues. I can not wait to share where this journey takes me and what pot of gold lies at the end of this rainbow. I am more committed than ever and have found a great acceptance of myself in this process that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. Forever blessed, forever in the moment, forever healing in love.
3 Months have passed since I began this journey and every single day has been a lesson in patience and strength. There were days that I like to call my "burka days" where I was thinking of not leaving the house without a full covering separating my healing, fragile skin from the harsh reality of the outside world. There were social obligations to be met and facing groups of people while my skin was in full expulsion mode was like stepping into hell's fiery embrace. Every minute required courage and faith and constant vigilance on my part to insure that no stressful situation caused me to go back on all the work I had achieved and my promise to myself that I will not pick no matter what.
As recently as one week ago, my skin was a mine field of swollen, puffy, red and purple mounds and rough patchy blackheads and my hope that I was nearing the end of the worst was crushed. But I can honestly say, that making it through that week and finding a love of baking soda masks (more description at the bottom of my action plan blog) has helped to propel me to the other side. I feel today like I'm turning a new leaf, like I've made it up the side of a horrendously steep mountain and I'm seeing the view of my final destination for the first time... I know the climb down is going to be treacherous and difficult as well, but seeing the other side of the mountain and the gorgeous valley below gives me new legs and after resting and enjoying the fruits of my effort, I'll be ready to continue on my way.
As for the habit pattern itself, I have to say that although the urge to pick can creep in unconsciously when my mind is tired or I'm trapped in feelings of inadequacy, it is a distant thought and a more prevailing wisdom in me will not allow it to take over my being. And having made it this far on the path, I do not want to have to go through this expulsion process ever again! An inner state of balance in me knows that I can not go back... only forward from here.
And the result is that my skin is healing! Truly, truly healing. I am not going to lie and say that it is all flowers and candy and kittens and my skin is flawless.... it isn't. But I do feel that I have made it to the downward climb.... I feel like the eruptions will be less frequent, less dense and less time in healing from now on. I feel like I've finally found a routine that works and the breakouts have gotten to a point of being tolerable. The purple scarring is almost all faded and the major cystic breakouts are so minimal... right now they are confined to an area of my neck where there were previous dark purple scars. The overall texture is smooth and bright especially on my forehead which has been clear for the longest period of time. My nose and the skin under my eyes and upper cheeks is the clearest it's been in 4 years and bright and glowing. My upper rear cheeks still continue to have minor eruptions and are right now covered in patches of little black heads and hard pores that are softening and releasing daily with my baking soda masks and evening steams. The skin around my mouth which was the worst area of my picking continues to erupt and push stuff out... this area has required the greatest amount of patience and love, and I am now seeing the first signs that it will clear completely and heal. I'm not sure how long this will take, but I feel it may be sooner rather than later.
So here I am, 3 months in, finally breathing a sigh of relief and praying that this clearing and healing continues. I can not wait to share where this journey takes me and what pot of gold lies at the end of this rainbow. I am more committed than ever and have found a great acceptance of myself in this process that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. Forever blessed, forever in the moment, forever healing in love.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
A little more mental insight!
I just want to share a little more of my thought process.
I am closing in on my 3 month mark here and although I have not picked, I still can feel so frustrated with the process taking so long! I can feel so isolated, so alone and so unsupported by the society in which I live that places such an enormous importance on physical aesthetics!
But these feelings have brought me some tremendous insight into the human drama, my own included.
One thing I've realized on this journey is that this place, this physical plane of existance is the ONLY place I can do this work! This is an essential part of my soul's development and I don't want to carry this work forward with me from this life! Now I don't know what comes next, maybe it's another reincarnated life, maybe it's heaven or hell, maybe all that awaits me at the end of this physical journey is a decomposition in the earth's sweet soil, but what I do know is that this moment is the only time I have to do this work on this issue. Here and now, I am choosing to let this go and to heal! I believe this choice is changing my future life and more importantly I believe this work is changing my soul's work as well. Just by surrendering to this work and allowing this work to be my sole purpose, my SOUL purpose, I am allowing the natural will of the world to work itself upon me and that is such a gift!
I also am coming to realize that this may be my journey in this physical world, but it is the journey of each individual I come into contact with, as well. We are all here working this stuff out! My current karmic work is all over my face for the world to see, but when I feel ashamed or impatient looking at a friend with glowing clear skin, I have to remind myself that this friend has her own work to do as well! I can't see her work, but she has it too or she wouldn't be here!
So knowing this is my work for now, I am able to continue healing and surrendering and hopefully a year from now I can move on to even bigger soul work. I know that each day of this process is increasing my patience, my love, and my compassion towards others. And that work is a blessing and a gift!
I am closing in on my 3 month mark here and although I have not picked, I still can feel so frustrated with the process taking so long! I can feel so isolated, so alone and so unsupported by the society in which I live that places such an enormous importance on physical aesthetics!
But these feelings have brought me some tremendous insight into the human drama, my own included.
One thing I've realized on this journey is that this place, this physical plane of existance is the ONLY place I can do this work! This is an essential part of my soul's development and I don't want to carry this work forward with me from this life! Now I don't know what comes next, maybe it's another reincarnated life, maybe it's heaven or hell, maybe all that awaits me at the end of this physical journey is a decomposition in the earth's sweet soil, but what I do know is that this moment is the only time I have to do this work on this issue. Here and now, I am choosing to let this go and to heal! I believe this choice is changing my future life and more importantly I believe this work is changing my soul's work as well. Just by surrendering to this work and allowing this work to be my sole purpose, my SOUL purpose, I am allowing the natural will of the world to work itself upon me and that is such a gift!
I also am coming to realize that this may be my journey in this physical world, but it is the journey of each individual I come into contact with, as well. We are all here working this stuff out! My current karmic work is all over my face for the world to see, but when I feel ashamed or impatient looking at a friend with glowing clear skin, I have to remind myself that this friend has her own work to do as well! I can't see her work, but she has it too or she wouldn't be here!
So knowing this is my work for now, I am able to continue healing and surrendering and hopefully a year from now I can move on to even bigger soul work. I know that each day of this process is increasing my patience, my love, and my compassion towards others. And that work is a blessing and a gift!
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