Waking Up and Finding My Light: One day at a time!

I am now 2 months into my healing process and while I believe I have a long road ahead of me, I also believe the worst has passed. For anyone reading this blog who is a skin picker, you know how hard it is to make it one day without picking, much less 2 months, 60 full days. I know that 60 days ago it was impossible for me to imagine being where I am now. I offer this example of hope for someone out there, fighting to make it just one hour without picking. Like most pickers, at some point I was able to see that I was causing more damage than I was doing good to my skin. I could see that when I was able to make it one full day or three full days, or sometimes even a week that my skin would improve. And then what would happen is a whole new round of breakouts would occur and I would freak out and start picking again. What I have come to believe in this process is that I have done such severe damage to my skin with the picking that it is going to have to go through many, many rounds of expulsion in order to fully heal itself. And watching my skin for the past 60 days has given me incredible faith in the natural healing powers of the human body. It is absolutely incredible! It has powers I never knew before and if one positive thing comes from all of this, just seeing my miraculous body in action is a gift I know I will carry forward with me. I had been flirting with stopping picking for quite a while... making it three days and then regressing, then making it four days... but I just couldn't quite get over the hump. A key thing happened in my life at this point. Which I believe will happen for anyone who wants to make a change and needs a true reason to do so. The reason will present itself. My high school drama teacher called me up out of the blue and wanted to get together for coffee. It had been 9 years since I had seen him and he is one of the dearest people in my life. His belief in my talent set me on my path and I am forever grateful that. So we went out to coffee and as I sat across from him I became overwhelmed with emotion. What was amazing to me is that I felt as though I had been through hell and back and that I was in bad shape, but he just sat there and listened to me and what I had been doing with my life and he smiled and he laughed and he kept saying "Good for you Butterfly! Good for you!" And I realized he didn't even see the outer damage I had created, he only saw the same girl he taught and loved 9 years ago. Same soul, different package! I realized that after the trauma I had gone through in my relationships and in my self destruction I was now sitting across the table from true pure unconditional LOVE! I walked out of the cafe feeling like I was floating and my heart felt like someone had used a chisel and managed to crack off a hard coating and that it was now pumping for the first time in years. That love carried me home and started me on my 60 day path. I believe it was the awakening of unconditional SELF love and that is the only thing any of us can hope to find. Now anyone reading this is thinking... how nice, but I can't do it! It's too ingrained! It's too hard! Listen to me! I have been there and even with the love in my heart, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done! Ever! The only way I have managed to make it 60 days is that I have taken it literally moment by moment. I didn't keep track of the exact day count, all I focused on was from the moment I woke up saying "I just have to make it through today. No picking today. I will not pick at myself today" Periodically through the day I would look at the clock and I would say, "It's 3 pm. I just have to make it 7 more hours to bed time." And at 4pm, "Look, You've made it Butterfly! You've made it another hour. Only 6 more until bed." I had set goals before of trying to make it 30 days and failed every time, but just focusing on making it through one day at a time is how I've managed to make it this far. And it has given me a tool to use even now, 60 days in. Just the thought "I just have to make it through today!" relaxes my breath and any panic I feel building melts away. I have to keep reminding myself to be brave and to pray for patience and strength. Periodically in the day when I find myself in the grips of a momentary need to pick, I just say to myself "I pray in this moment for patience and strength." And patience and strength is exactly what I need on this journey. It is an incredibly long and difficult one with many twists and turns in the road.