3 months clean today!!!!

If I was in AA, I'd get my 3 month clean coin today and walking up to collect it in a meeting with others struggling on the path to sobriety would feel like a celebration and victory over my disease. But I'm not in AA, I'm at home allowing this healing process and am my own silent witness to my celebration!

3 Months have passed since I began this journey and every single day has been a lesson in patience and strength. There were days that I like to call my "burka days" where I was thinking of not leaving the house without a full covering separating my healing, fragile skin from the harsh reality of the outside world. There were social obligations to be met and facing groups of people while my skin was in full expulsion mode was like stepping into hell's fiery embrace. Every minute required courage and faith and constant vigilance on my part to insure that no stressful situation caused me to go back on all the work I had achieved and my promise to myself that I will not pick no matter what.

As recently as one week ago, my skin was a mine field of swollen, puffy, red and purple mounds and rough patchy blackheads and my hope that I was nearing the end of the worst was crushed. But I can honestly say, that making it through that week and finding a love of baking soda masks (more description at the bottom of my action plan blog) has helped to propel me to the other side. I feel today like I'm turning a new leaf, like I've made it up the side of a horrendously steep mountain and I'm seeing the view of my final destination for the first time... I know the climb down is going to be treacherous and difficult as well, but seeing the other side of the mountain and the gorgeous valley below gives me new legs and after resting and enjoying the fruits of my effort, I'll be ready to continue on my way.

As for the habit pattern itself, I have to say that although the urge to pick can creep in unconsciously when my mind is tired or I'm trapped in feelings of inadequacy, it is a distant thought and a more prevailing wisdom in me will not allow it to take over my being. And having made it this far on the path, I do not want to have to go through this expulsion process ever again! An inner state of balance in me knows that I can not go back... only forward from here.

And the result is that my skin is healing! Truly, truly healing. I am not going to lie and say that it is all flowers and candy and kittens and my skin is flawless.... it isn't. But I do feel that I have made it to the downward climb.... I feel like the eruptions will be less frequent, less dense and less time in healing from now on. I feel like I've finally found a routine that works and the breakouts have gotten to a point of being tolerable. The purple scarring is almost all faded and the major cystic breakouts are so minimal... right now they are confined to an area of my neck where there were previous dark purple scars. The overall texture is smooth and bright especially on my forehead which has been clear for the longest period of time. My nose and the skin under my eyes and upper cheeks is the clearest it's been in 4 years and bright and glowing. My upper rear cheeks still continue to have minor eruptions and are right now covered in patches of little black heads and hard pores that are softening and releasing daily with my baking soda masks and evening steams. The skin around my mouth which was the worst area of my picking continues to erupt and push stuff out... this area has required the greatest amount of patience and love, and I am now seeing the first signs that it will clear completely and heal. I'm not sure how long this will take, but I feel it may be sooner rather than later.

So here I am, 3 months in, finally breathing a sigh of relief and praying that this clearing and healing continues. I can not wait to share where this journey takes me and what pot of gold lies at the end of this rainbow. I am more committed than ever and have found a great acceptance of myself in this process that I hope will stay with me for the rest of my life. Forever blessed, forever in the moment, forever healing in love.