4 and a half months in and my patience is waning!

So yesterday I basically hit rock bottom on my patience. Instant replay: I'm standing there looking around me for the nearest bottle of Acme Acid Face Remover to grab, apply and say goodbye to Butterfly's face for good. Sure I'd be permanently disfigured, and of course it'd be excruciatingly painful, but surely... no wait... maybe not... okay, I'm breathing again, I've squeezed out some tears, I've grunted, I've shrieked and here I am again. And now it's easy to see that that was not an option... and neither is picking... so back to wrestling back my screaming will and ego and finding an ounce of patience left deep inside some internal well and take my next breath and keep going. And of course come here to share this experience! So here we are folks, week, what is it now, one million?... okay not really... only feels that way. No, we are in fact, 4 months and 2 weeks into this process and every day has been a struggle, albeit, some more challenging than others. More importantly, every day has been a lesson in waking up with no expectations about how my life and my healing should be progressing, but rather, allowing what is and doing my best to make it through the day without harming myself. There have been, in the last months, several difficult moments that required great strength and courage to get through. One of the most difficult things I find, is since I've cocooned myself from the world, no one who knew me before I started this healing process, has seen what's been going on behind my closed walls. Suddenly, I'm out and about being social and all they see is the Butterfly they once knew to have some rough patches of skin, now suddenly in front of them with huge giant sprawling masses and clusters of red, swollen, lumpy, scaley, blisters and they freak! Some of them try to conceal it, or avoid looking me directly in the eyes... others express their concern. I offer one particular moment from about 2 weeks ago as an example: I've just come out of yoga, so I'm particularly red faced and sweaty, and also free of make-up, because after a 90 minute pep talk to myself in front of the mirror at home, I've decided it's better to let my skin and pores open in the steam and sweat of the yoga room free from any make up to clog it up. One of the guys who works in the yoga studio and has known me for years, but has not seen me since this process began, says, "Honey, what's going on with your skin?" So I'm standing on the street holding my yoga mat and a bottle of water and I just start bawling uncontrollably. I just kind of melt into him and surrender my weight and sob for what seems like an hour. I finally manage to pull myself together and describe what I've been healing from... and the amazing thing is, he said "Oh yeah, my sister went through that. One day you'll look back and think, 'Wow what was that all about?'" Then he recommended me to a chiropractor/energy healer who he thinks can help me. I haven't followed through on it... not because I'm not interested, but because I'm working this through and seeing where it goes. I also had a friend in town from out of the country and a rare opportunity to spend time with her, which forced me to come out of my little shell and be social. Luckily she is incredibly supportive and compassionate and said things like "I think you look beautiful." that made it actually enjoyable to be out of my one track world for a while. And the cloud of doom seemed to lift a little and let the sun peak through and show me the world that waits for me on the other side of this time. And now, here I am, back in my cocoon. Perhaps the walls in here have shrunk a bit, or I got bigger on my journey out, but I'm starting to feel a lot more claustrophobic and impatient than ever before. Unfortunately my skin is not ready for me to come out yet. I thought when I started this process that I would stop picking and then lickety split, snap my fingers and tap the magic hat with the wand, I'd reemerge into the world within 3 months wholly healed and radiantly beautiful. Not so! In fact, here I am approaching month 5 and sections of my face look as bad or worse than they ever have before. But the silver lining remains, that other sections have made it through similar times of never ending break outs and are now shining, clear, ivory colored and luminescent. Areas I thought would never clear and heal look better than they did 4 years ago before I started picking or maybe even better than they ever did in my life. So the only thing I can do is continue to leave it alone, continue my action plan, and just wait and see what happens. But I thought it important to note here in month 4 that life still ain't a bed of roses. But I am looking forward a day when it is, and you can bet I'll be here to share that too! To anyone out there on this path, I wish you love, courage and patience! Love yourself, be good to yourself and be good to others! This too shall pass!